Forget_me_not

I have been married to my husband for over 14 years. We were married in the temple and have 5 children together. Four years ago he told me that he no longer believed the gospel was true and that he didn't want to go on pretending anymore. I was completely blind sided and felt like the foundation on which my life was built on was crumbling beneath me. We have struggled for the past four years trying to find common ground, but besides our children we really don't have anything in common. We were opposites that attracted and we got married young and pretty fast. We had only know each other a little over 4 months when we got married. As most marriages go we've had our ups and downs, but since he's decided to leave the church the downs have out numbered the ups 10-1. About 6 months after he told me he was leaving the church, I found out I was pregnant with our 5th child. It was an unplanned pregnancy and on his part, unwanted. He became very distant and cold towards me and for awhile he wouldn't even talk to me. I felt very alone during my pregnancy and was afraid to let myself feel joy about a new life entering this world and becoming a part of our family. Then one evening after we had put the kids to bed, he told me he was going to start drinking as a way to deal with the stress. He said that he wasn't asking for my permission, but was telling me as a courtesy. I was stunned. I told him that I didn't want alcohol in the house or around the kids, and he replied that he had already bought a mini fridge with a lock to keep in the computer room. At that moment I thought this is it, I can't go on raising my children with him anymore. But the fear of being a single parent of 4 children with one on the way was too scary... Things have improved since then, and my husband is a good man. He loves our children and is a good provider, but it's been a struggle for me to raise my children alone in the gospel and I often feel a lot of resentment towards him although I am trying hard to forgive him and love him for who he is. But I don't know that I do love him anymore. We have grown apart and I feel very alone because I don't feel like I can confide in him. He spends his evenings working on the computer and he usually sleeps in our guest bed because he says it's easier for him to sleep. I often feel like we're more like room mates than a couple. Since his decision to leave the church I have struggled with my own testimony and have sometimes thought that it would be so much easier if I left the church too. But I know in my heart that the gospel is true and I can't deny the confirmations I have felt from the Holy Ghost. I feel like I am falling short though when it comes to raising my children in the gospel. It is difficult to have FHE because my husband doesn't want to be involved. I try to read from the Illustrated scripture stories or from "The Friend" before bedtime with my kids and have family prayer. But it's always a struggle to get my kids to go to church because they want to stay home with Daddy. I've explained to my kids that Daddy lost his testimony, but it's a hard concept for them to really understand. My son told me that he didn't want to go to church anymore because Daddy told him that they brainwash you there. I want my kids to have the example of a worthy priesthood holder in their lives; I want someone I can go to the temple with and to be able to teach the gospel to my children with; I don't want my heart to ache at night wishing to have someone I can share my hopes, desires, and goals with; I wish I could be stronger and better trust in the Lord; And I want to feel joy not loneliness when I think about spending the rest of my life with my husband.

If you are still seeking advice or perhaps perspective on your quandary, I can offer you some insight that may be helpful as my husband told me a few years ago that he was leaving the church. We are still married and now have 5 children but it hasn't been easy...