Arctica

Why do you think she will throw down the hammer at you if you mess up your grammar, or say the wrong thing? Is she moody? Does she pout? Does she act superior? OR is she caring and kind, even when people make mistakes? If you are so nervous around her, it makes me wonder that she might be a bit judgmental, rather than a caring person. It would be ok to make mistakes around a person who cares about your well being. What is it that attracts you to her? If it's only her looks and her smarts, maybe that's not enough to build a relationship on. Does she call you to see how your are doing, or are you always calling/texting her? If you are the one always initiating contact, she may not be super interested right now. But I would consider the other qualities (being kind, caring, forgiving, accepting...i.e able to love another person) more important than how attractive she is, and how intellectual she is. So maybe you don't need to stress quite so much, you are just gathering information about her--does she have those qualities that make someone a good companion? Do you? Or are you pursuing her because being with her make *you* look good? Just a some thoughts to think about. Good luck!

It sounds like you went from trying to figure out how to deal with your abusive husband, to being determined to sell your house and move back to where you previously came from, and sounds like you are focusing on that, as if it will solve your problems. I would like to suggest, that you are just distracting yourself by putting your focus on the house issue...that is not the real issue. I would be surprised if your marriage will be any different whether you live in this part of town or that... What you are trying to do is to change your husband. You can't change your husband, only he can change himself, if he wants to. You can only change yourself, and how you react to your husband. I have found studying Real Love by Greg Baer helpful, as I am trying to deal with my particular situation, I recommend his works, there is lots of free information on his website, you can google it, and while I don't "buy" all of it, this information has helped me tremendously to stop feeling victimized by someone's behavior, as in, whether their actions or non actions will determine whether I can be happy. Perhaps it's time to accept the fact that your husband is somewhat selfish, short tempered, and not capable of being particularly loving? Would that be a proper assessment of how he is? You can still be happy, but you have to realize that he won't be the source of (all) of your happiness. Maybe some, at some point. It is too much, anyway, to expect one person to fill you with happiness, they would get pretty exhausted in the process, especially if you are very empty inside already.

I would just like to applaud you for trying to live a pure and clean life, while dealing with the SSA at the same time. I think the bishop can help you to get back on track-- his job is to administer the proper way to start the repentance process...I think people sometimes assume that the bishop's job is also to make them feel better, and to feel understood-- some bishops do this, and others don't know how. They are just regular guys, I know, my husband is one, this is his second time being a bishop. So give them some slack, don't expect them to do more than they are capable of--but this I promise you that your bishop *is* capable of doing: getting you on the road to repentance, and *then*, you *will* feel better, as you can start fresh, pure and clean, after whatever process it is that needs to be completed to repent of what was done.

New here, what a fascinating discussion! I wrote a story for you: She met her Knight in Shining Armor, fell in love, prayed about it, and Heavenly Father answered her prayer with a YES! She should marry him! They went to the temple, where they both promised—more than promised-- they covenanted with one another, and with God even, that they would love one another forever. They would go to church together, raise their children in the gospel together, they’d go to the temple together…maybe they even talked about going on a mission together some day. Confident in their joint hopes and dreams, she happily walked out of the temple hand in hand with the one she said she would love for eternity. She did live that dream for many years, until something happened, that eventually caused Knight to blame God and decide that that dream was not one he chose to live any more. The depth of her disappointment is bitter and deep. How did this happen? Did God, in fact, set *her* up? She did pray about marrying him, and God had said yes! He did know—as He does know everything-- that Knight in Shining Armor would not stay strong, right? ….just making a point, that the bad guys got to choose to cause you misery, just like you get to cause it to those around you. And the main point to remember, the people making these choices are not out to make you miserable, they made these choices are only to make themselves happy (very temporarily, I might add). It is not about *you*, meaning, it didn’t matter, whether it might cause you harm or not, as long as they were getting what they needed. Just like your choosing to go inactive is not about *her*, but she certainly does feel the effects of it. She also, could blame God. Does God set you up for misery? No, but I think agency is such a basic principle, that we are allowed to hurt those around us, very deeply sometimes, when we misuse it. Also, I was thinking about what you wrote about blessings-- All your neighbors are children of our Heavenly Father, and He loves them all with a perfect love. I believe that his love for them, and each of us, is unconditional, I believe that He will bless all of us (members and nonmembers, atheist etc etc.) with as much as possible. What I mean with unconditional love is, that he doesn’t count whether they keep any commandments or not, he loves and blesses them anyway with as much as possible. Similarly, I don’t think we can count how many commandments we keep, and then expect similar amount of blessings, but rather, that we are also to love God unconditionally…. And keep the commandments –and especially our covenants--anyway, no matter what. Yes, I am aware of the teachings where it is said, that as long as you do A, B and C, you will get the blessings predicated to those commandments. I could be wrong, but it has not been my experience. I believe that those blessings may come, but may not come in this life. The test, that I believe we are in, is what do we do, when those blessings do not come. There doesn’t exist some kind of blessing store, where we go and pay with each commandment we have kept, and pick up those blessings. In my opinion, it is what you do when those blessings *don’t* come, will you still love and serve God? (See Daniel 3). It’s my favorite scripture, particularly the phrase “but if not…” Back to the blessings. The difference between you and them (your atheist, etc. neighbors), is that when keeping your covenants, you get to keep your blessings for eternity (the ones that matter, anyway. I am, obviously talking about your family.) From reading what you have posted, I can see a few blessings that you have—it looks like you have a loving wife who has stood by you all these years; your family is active in the church; you have a good BYU-bound son, who considers you the best Dad on earth. (If you don’t consider them blessings, maybe I can trade you my husband’s well paying, prestigious job, my children some of whom hardly talk to me, several of whom are less active, and my teenage son who just told me is gay—for the family that you have.) Ok. Just kidding (about the trade.) I think the blessings will come someday for me too, although maybe not in this life. I still love the gospel, more than anything!