I have been a member all of my life (34years) however, for the past 17 years I have been in and out of the church, inactive for about 9 of them. I have been through so much in the last 5 years, surviving a difficult divorce that lasted in having PTSD to giving up my twins for adoption ( I was pregnant when my husband(not lds) asked me for a divorce), to losing custody of my 3 children from the marriage.
For the first 2 years of my ordeal I was the most spiritual that I had ever been in my life. My bishop and his wife would always joke with me and say I was going to be translated. Thats how spiritually high I felt. I had a solid testimony and I never waviered from the gospel. However, after the birth of my twins and making the decision to give them up for adoption and the subsequent custody loss of my 3 children to my ex-husband, I lost everything in me. I doubted God and the church. I didn't understand why God or the bishop and his wife would have influenced me to make such difficult decisions and why would God take my kids from me. I became very angry and bitter. I soon stopped going to church and I soon found myself spiraling downward.
I essentially lost what was so precious to me not just my children but my testimony and my longing to be an active member in the church. I was so angry and hurt that God would allow such horrible things to happen to me, that I soon found myself battling many addictions. In January of this year, I had enough of the poor choices I was making and the affect it had on my life and my children. I decided with prayer that I needed to come back to the church. I longed for that spiritual high that I felt only 3 years ago. I wanted my temple recommend back and I wanted that wonderful feeling back, hoping and praying that it would bring good things into my life.
I met with my bishop and discussed my desires to have my recommend back as well as return to activity. The bishop told me it would take some time for this to happen and that I would have to go through a disciplinary council as well. He told me to keep coming to church and it would get better. At the time I really didn't feel a burning desire to come back I just knew it was the right thing to do and more than ever I wanted that feeling that I experienced just 3 years earlier.
It has now been 10 months later and I have to say I still don't feel a burning desire to come back to the church. I just feel so numb as though what I've been through has taken everything out of me. I pray every day, I go to church when I'm not sick (I had stomach cancer this year), I read many church books mostly inspirational ones, I listened to all of conference this year, and I read the BOM. I have one addiction left to give up however, I just want that desire to want to be active again. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm more frusterated now than ever before. I just don't understand why I feel this way and I'm so discouraged by the fact that I don't feel a burning desire to stay active.
I'm just looking for some advice and support, I long to feel a desire inside me.
