blueroses

Here are a few random thoughts that I hope make sense: A) I think some people who feel broken inside need validation from unbiased third parties because, in the middle of the crisis they are in, their own sense of self worth and judgement can often be skewed. Of course we should take complete ownership over our own decisions, but what if we can't see the obvious answer because of the situation we are in? What if we feel too shut down? What if we don't even know where to begin? Then, I think, an outside opinion can be a valuable thing. B) Some people, too, need to just get their story out. It doesn't mean they want to shame their spouse, or destroy a reputation--they just need to reach out. I'm not in a physically abusive situation, but I've known many who are. Most of them think they are making too big of a deal out of their situation. Most of them believe they deserve what they get. Most blame themselves. It takes an outsider to come in and tell them that they are in a dangerous situation, before they believe it. I think, in some cases, the same thing can be said for emotional abuse as well. And in some cases, a person needs to be told that they are dealing with normal stuff--stuff that can be fixed. C) I don't want to paint the wrong picture about my situation. Things are not ALL bad. We have peaceful moments. Most of the time, we get along fairly civilly. It's just in those moments when his rage takes over that I get scared, and blamed, and confused, and hurt. I'm guessing that most marriages go through ups and downs, times when one spouse gets angry and says and does things they regret. I'm also guessing that many married couples experience rifts in communication. I realize that these are common things. But I also see a few red flags in my own situation that have me worried, and I'm genuinely curious if others see them too, or if I'm making a big deal out of nothing (which is, admittedly, a phrase I hear a lot in my household). Hope that made even the tiniest bit of sense.

Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I will definitely try asking him to come with me to counseling again. It's so important to exhaust all the options and try as hard as you can to make things work. I'm sure my own sensitivity contributes to the problem, possibly aggravates him more. That's definitely something I can work on with my counselor. My only worry with asking him to go to counseling is the anger issue. Every single time that I've ever tried to intervene and help him, he has always gotten angry at me, stomped off, yelled, even thrown things. And yes, each time I've intervened, I've done so very quietly and peacefully (because that's just the way I roll). How do you help someone who is always angry at you? Or who will twist your careful attempts to help with rage? Thanks again for your comments--they are all so helpful!

Eowyn, Thanks so much for your thoughts. It is time for me to decide with Heavenly Father what to do--I totally agree. And no one else can give me that permission but the Lord. The thing is, I am so broken inside. It's so hard for me to trust my feelings, even divine ones. I am really praying hard now for healing and love from above. Sometimes it just feels . . . gray. You know what I mean? And I am constantly confused because I'm getting so many different messages. I'm sure there is a divine lesson behind this--maybe Heavenly Father's way of empowering me with my own choice, and helping me to own it. Not quite sure. But yes, you are absolutely right. Thank you for bringing that up. :)

He has no interest in going with me to counseling. He believes it is my problem alone.

I totally understand it's hard to even know where to begin to help a person whose history you only know a fragment about. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, nonetheless. I'm all about making things work, if they can. That's why I've been to see a counselor for 3 years, have sought for advice from the bishop, have stayed active and involved in the Church, and have tried SO hard to keep the peace in my home. But when there is constant anger and yelling and blame, when efforts to talk to and reason with him result in indifference and MORE anger, it's just hard to feel like it will work. There comes a point when you just begin to wonder if you've done all you can do. But, as mentioned, there are no magic answers. No one can validate or answer except for the Lord. I totally get that. Just wanted to get my story out.

Selek, I don't have statistics to back me up at all. I wasn't trying to make a blanket statement. I was trying to be empathetic to those who might be in a similar situation. Please don't twist my words into condemnations. It hurts.

Thanks for your responses. I have counseled with my bishop, but there wasn't a black-and-white response, it was more up to my own judgment, which is why I posted. It's very hard for me, even with fasting/praying/going to counseling to know what to do. It's been a very difficult situation in general. One in which I've run up against many walls, with little to no support at all. As far as the second response is concerned, I don't know how to respond to that. Maybe I'm too dense to understand what you mean. Is assuming that many are in similar situations a bad thing? Was I in the wrong? Please help me understand. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have posted at all . . .

The short(ish) history: I have been married in the temple. We have kids. My husband, though often unaware of it, displays daily acts of hurtful behavior towards me, including but not limited to: passive aggressiveness, isolation, the cold shoulder, temper tantrums, yelling, emotional abandonment, and belittlement. It sounds horrible in those terms, but most of the time, these acts are done in a very subtle way, through very passive means. He is the perfect guy in public, which makes going to church and seeing happy couples around me very painful. Most of the time, he tells me that I'm being too sensitive, that it's my fault, that I should learn to think in his terms, and that I'm making too big of a deal out of things. I honestly believe that most of the time. I rarely bring up any issues between us out of fear of his anger. He has never been physically abusive, but sometimes I worry that he could be, if provoked (I have tried VERY hard to keep the peace so that I don't test those limits.) In many, many ways, he is a good man, and the very few people I've reached out to have told me to either work harder on my marriage because he's got so many great qualities, or to leave him. I am getting mixed messages. I am totally confused. Not only that, but my self-esteem is at a rock bottom, so I don't trust my own decisions. There's a ton more to it than this, but I will end with a question. At what point does the church condone divorce where emotional abuse is involved? I honestly don't see this as a healthy situation to be in, and my hope in it is very thin, but I understand that we need to hold on and work at our marriages until we've exhausted all of our options. I just don't know how much is enough? Or how I would bear the weight of an answer like "stick it out because it will all be better in the eternities." I have no doubt that many of you are in similar situations. I would love to hear your experiences/thoughtful advice. It has taken a monumental amount of courage for me to post this!