busfeliz

I have not seen it that is what I am trying to decide. If I should look or not. He has given me the choice. So I don't know what exactly was said

When he began texting her he felt it was vey innocent. He talks to a lot of people. He is very social. When the conversation turned inappropriate he made a decision not to stop the conversation right there. He knew at that point he was making a wrong decision. He said he just let her talk about her sexual experiences and he did not really respond. Just short sentences like, "oh really that's interesting" he admits that he was curious to see how far she would go. He knows this was wrong. When she took it further and actually sent him pictures he was surprised. He told her that he just wanted to talk and wasnt interested I that and stopped talking to her and never did again. He kept the evidence because he was afraid that because she was a public figure who was obviously seeking attention and when he didn't give her everything that she wanted she might retaliate and set him up. So he kept the evidence to prove that she came on to him. He used to be a police officer so it is very common for him to save emails and record conversations as evidence.

Is it healthy to look at them or will it just make me more upset in the long run?

The naked text actually happened before the budoir photoshoot he has just been keeping it from me.

He says because she is a public figure that he doesn't want to put our family out there to be Involved in whatever ensues. I'm sure part of it is to save face but he doesn't want to start a media frenzy that could prolong the hurt that I am already feeling. And he doesn't want me to see the texts or pics because he feels it will just haunt me forever

I confronted the girl that he took budoir photos of and I don't regret it at all. I simply sent her a message asking her to cut all ties with my husband. I asked her to please never speak to him again because what he did with her was I direct violation of a promise that he made to me. She said she totally u sees told and apologized. And never responded to my husband ever again, even after he sent her an apology. So I felt like I got some closure with that situation. I certainly don't blame this girl but I am glad I confronted her I feel much better.

I need some closure. I feel like I need to know what he said to her, I need to see the pictures and the. I need to let her know that what she did was wrong and if she gets stripped of her title then she needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. I am going through so much anxiety that I couldn't even work today! It is consuming me. I feel like the only way to get closure and move on is to know exactly what happened and allow her to suffer whatever consequences may arise.

Oh how the saga continues. I just found out last night that a few months ago my husband was up late talking to someone online and it got out of hand and she ended up sending completely nude photos of herself to him. I want to confront the girl but my husband won't let me because she is a public figure and he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

I agree. But he does not. So where do we go from there? Either he gives up the female friends and is unhappy and hard to live with or I say ok have female friends and then I am unhappy and hard to live with.

I agree. And I inquired about the calender in a very civil manner. The rest of the story is that he had already bought this calender (way before any problems at even surfaced) previously and as a promotional thing the cheerleaders devlivered them door to door. This was right after the unauthorized budior photoshoot with another girl so things were very touchy and sensitive around our house...so what does my husband do? Did he say no I don't want the calender anymore? No because he felt he had ever right to have that calender because there is nothing wrong with it. Did he say, pleaso don't come over, I will just pick it up later at my convenience. No he didn't. He told her to come over at a time when he knew I woulnd't be home, so that he wouldn't have to deal with me and my obsessive controlling nature. It just so happened that I came home from work early that day and that's when I saw her giving my husband the calendar. We had a huge fight about it and he ripped it up and threw it away right in front of me. So a month later when I find the same calender in his tuck, I was a little upset. Did I yell at him? No I simply asked him why he had another calendar. And told him that it really hurt my feelings that he would go out and buy another one. But he didn't think there was anything wrong with the calendar in the first place so I know that's why he didn't have any qualms about buying another one. He wants to use it for his business...he owns a Rolling Video Game trailer and he takes his trailer to football games and sometimes the cheerleaders will sign autographs in the trailer after the game. But I don't think that should trump your wifes feelings.

My fear is that, we really just differ in our views of what is appropriate and what is not appropriate so much so that our marriage is destined to be one fight after another. Because he sees no harm in his actions until I get upset. And then he says, "oh wow that's crazy I didn't know that you would be so upset about that. Sorry, I won't do that again." But then a few days later he does something else, not the exact same thing but something along the same lines, because he doesn't see what the big deal is. Am I making any sense?

He keeps saying, "I'm trying but nothing is good enough for you." I don't think I am asking for too much. I just want my husband to take my feelings into consideration before he does things.

He says he will do anything to keep our marriage together, but then everytime I turn around he is doing something else that hurts my feelings, ie: the calender, texting other women, talking to the girl he did the budoir shoot with (he says it was on a purely professional basis, which it could have been; but I would think that he would have enough common sense to not associate with her at all even on a professional level out of respect for me.) He keeps saying, well you never said I couldn't talk to her (I'm thinking, did that really need to be said?) or you didn't tell me that I can't text women at night. But it's a catch-22 because I can't anticipate all the stupid things he is going to do that are going to hurt me. So am I required to just make general statements like, don't text or talk to other women period. If I did that he would become very upset and say I am taking away everything and trying to control his every move. Which would be true. But I can't trust his judgement. He thinks certain conversations are perfectly ok to have while i would find them very innapropriate. And that is why we keep having issues, because he genuinely feels that he has done nothing wrong (besides the budior photoshoot without my knowledge.) Everything else he does is perfectly safe and normal to him and I am over reacting. So I know he will just hurt me again because he doesn't get it, he doesn't see anything wrong, that's why he does them.

I posted awhile back on "Feeling Betrayed" because my husband had taken some budoir photos of another woman. We are currently seeing a marriage counselor and trying to work through our issues but still having a very hard time. We are negotiating boundaries right now, which is proving to be a lot harder then expected. I really don't trust his judgement of what is appropriate and what is not. Recently he bought a calendar with pictures of cheerleaders from a local football team. By the worlds standards these photos were not pornographic, but I feel like as members of the chuch we should be held to a higher standard. The girls were wearing short skirts, tube tops, and other very revealing clothes. Am I out of line to ask him to throw it away? We also argue about his friendships with other women. I am having a hard time with him having any interactions with other women. I realize I cannot forbid him to speak to women but at this point I have asked that he not photograph any other women and not to private message them on FaceBook, although he still texts other women. What do healthy, safe relationships with people of the opposite sex look like? Because my husband thinks I am being super controlling.

I am very interested in Mark Mabry's story...is there an article that talks about his journey or a youtube video of his talk that you know of?

I don't know where all the talk about other cultures comes into play...we don't live in those cultures we live in this culture...a highly sexualized culture; so yes, naked women are sexual and budoir photos, especially, are sexual. That is their purpose. And I believe that being sexual is perfectly ok, as long as it is with your husband or wife. When other people get inlolved I start to have a problem.

Wow! I was not expecting all of this... but then again I have never ventured into a forum before, so I don't know what I expected. I do know that there is A LOT more going on in this situation then meets the eye and A LOT more then I have time to explain in a forum. We both (my husband and I) have been through many trying times in the past several years: death, substance abuse, cutting, failed businesses, intimacy issues, PTSD, depression, anxiety. The reason I came to this forum was to get an idea of where other LDS members have drawn the line on this particular subject. I needed to feel validated for my hurt feelings. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one that felt confused about where the boundaries are. And by the responses here I can see that there is no black and white answer. Maybe the only thing that can be agreed on is that lying to your spouse is wrong. And I know that and my husband knows that. But just because someone acknowledges that they have done something wrong and apologizes and seeks restitution, it doesn't mean all those hurt feelings dissapear. He is willing to put in the work to get our relationship back and I am too (and yes we do have 3 children) now I am just wondering how to do that. How do I regain trust, where do we draw realistic boundaries. I in no way, shape or form justify what my husband did but I know that he loves me and he made awful decisions because he is hurting too. He has been hurting for a very long time. Like I said before, I just needed some validation that what he put me through was very painful as well. I know the only way to get through this is to turn to the Lord for comfort and forgivenss and get some counseling to work out the details. I appreciate what everyone has said.

I do no think that my husband is a con man. I think he just does not understand bounderies and when to draw the line on what is appropriate and what is not. He is very outgoing and very social...always has been. But it was always, in my opnion, appropriate and within the right bouderies. Now I feel like they are not, ie: private facebook messages with girls that I don't know and A few days ago...a cheeleader for a local semi-pro football team showed up to our house to hand deliver his cheerleading calender. (some promotional thing they do for everyone who buys the calender...I know this to be true because I checked it out.) The girls were fully clothes, but they were sexy clothes. He didn't think buying the calender was wrong. I think it is inapropriate.

My sentiments exactly...of course I am not ok with the budoir shots of other women (me I am perfectly ok with.) But I feel very uncomfortable with the relationships he is cultivating out there on facebook no matter what types of photos he is taking.

I find all these very, very odd, especially #3. It would be one thing (to me) to be a photographer and have people seek you out. Now, I have friends and a sister who are photographers, and I get they have to put themselves out there and hunt for clients. But for photography of this nature? I find it extremely inappropriate. He was not originally seeking out budoir shoots...just more like glamour photography. It's the women that have asked him to do the budior shoots after he takes the glamour shots.

Sorry I assumed wingnut was male

Are you suggesting that men are not turned on by women in lingerie if they are not in love whith them? How can you take a "sexy budiour shoot" and not get the least bit turned on? That is the nature of the photos.

Wingnut...Are you married? And would your wife approve of you taking these types of photos? Not only is the nature of the photos that bothers me, but it is the way he has gone about photography as a whole. #1 He bought thousands of dollars worth of equipment without my knowledge #2 he has only gotten paid for 2 shoots, the others he does as a hobby (thus not as a job to support his family.) #3 He seeks out beautiful women to shoot...meaning he hunts around on facebook and slowly develops relationships with women until he feels comfortable enough to ask them to do a photoshoot. This inevitably involves a lot of flirting. How appropriate is that behavior?

Wingnut...I appreciate hearing the other side of the coin. So you think it is perfectly ok for a member of the church to take these types of photos? We as church members are counseled to steer clear of pornography and this looks like he is fully participating in it. I don't think budoir photos are wrong...In fact, my husband has taken many of me...but for him to take it outside of our marriage and do that with other women doesn't sit right with me. He claims he gets no sexual gratification from it, but I have a very hard time believing that because I know how much he has enjoyed the photos he has taken of me.

We have talked about this. He admitted he was wrong to lie about the shoot and he admits that he lied because he knew I would be mad because I already asked him not to do it. We have both agreed to go to marriage counseling but it is taking a while to get it set up. In the mean time I am going crazy. The fact that he knowingly did something that would hurt me so badly was enough to crush me, But on top of all of that, it bothers me that he thinks it's ok (besides the fact that I didn't approve.) As a member of the church holding the priesthood, is it ok for him to be taking sexy photos of women in their underwear? He really doesn't think so. I can't even stand him talking to girls openly on facebook at this point. And he thinks I am being crazy and controllng. Last night he was looking at a pic of one of his "friends" on facebook and she was wearing very revealing clothing. I asked him who she was and we got into a fight because he didn't like my tone. Apparently my tone was, "why are you friends with that skanky girl" and I agreed. Yes that was my tone! I want to know why you have any business being friends with single women on facebook that dress like hookers. Don't I have the right to ask that?