Repentant

Roseslipper: you are so very sweet!! Thank you!!!:)

Thank you for sharing that selek. I do identify very much with this as I need courage everyday as a Panic Disorder sufferer, to continue. I also have to have this courage to continue to face my life everyday and the feeling of despair that my mistake has brought me. I want to be better and I am doing everything I can to be my best.

I love your comparison of life to an ocean, I grew up by the ocean in a foreign country. However sometimes I feel bad because I feel that I am the only one that makes mistakes. I look around and feel that everyone is so much better than me. I always have that feeling of inadequacy. Even before I made this big mistake...

Thank you so much Roseslipper! I guess the one good thing that has come out of this is that I am praying more and reading scriptures again and wearing garments. I have decided that I don't have to listen to my husband when he gives bad advice. Sometimes he gives good advice but sometimes he doesn't. I should only listen to the good advice....

Well, I am not really Depressed. I just have Panic Disorder and Anxiety. Anti depressants are used to treat Panic because they work on the same chemical in the brain as Anti Anxiety medication without being addictive. Once the Anti Depressant kicks in in a few weeks I most likely won't need the Anti Anxiety meds. Panic disorder runs in my family: my sister has it and several of my cousins have it. That said, I did have a scary childhood which may have contributed. However I cannot change my childhood but I need to change the way I think and see life. I worry about everything and beat myself up for everything. Now that I truly have a reason to beat myself up is really hard..... I have talked to therapists about my past but I just don't find digging in the past very constructive.... Well, I guess that I am dwelling in the past right now by continue to beat myself over what I did, even after my husband has forgiven me, I have spoken to the bishop and heck!! I even asked my mother in law for forgiveness!!! They were all forgiving, except for me!!

I think the pain is coming from living a life that goes against my beliefs and moral standards. I have been meeting with the Bishop every 2 weeks. My husband has made a huge 180 degree turn and I have switched jobs to a normal receptionist job. However I am struggling with self trust and I worry whenever men try to talk to me or approach me that I give out some kind of "bad girl vibe". I am wearing modest clothing again. I have struggled with marital problems for a long time. I think that between the financial stress, living in a way that makes me feel guilty and marital struggles I can see where the pain is coming from. It was very hard to work as a flirty atmosphere and convention model in skimpy clothing for 4 years, then come home to my 4 children and stressed out husband and then go to church. My husband says I cannot compartmentalize. He asks: Can't you do modeling without falling for a guy? Can't you do your job and then go to church without having to over-analyze and self question so much? why? Well, I can't, what I do has to be consistent otherwise I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me. I can't help that. So I don't want to go those jobs or not wear my garments. I don't want to be LDS and act like I am not, be a mom and act like eye candy at conventions. I end up wondering who I am! Thank you Literate Parakee for your encouraging post :-) Your questions were very thoughful...

Hello everyone, I am feeling really miserable about what I have done. After 16 years of marriage I have done what I thought I would never do, I committed adultery. My marriage had been rough for about 6 years due to financial hardships which were making my husband extremely stressed out and Depressed. We both lost faith in the church even though we continued to attend. During 1 year my husband became aggressive even though he never hit me but threatened to kill me. I went to the bishop for help at the time and told my husband that if he ever did that again or hurt any of the children I would leave. After that he changed completely and stopped being aggressive. I also had been doing some commercial modeling jobs that paid very well. At times I felt uncomfortable with some of the clothing that I had to wear and some of the flirting required to work some of the events, it was a sexy job. I stopped wearing my garments. Sometimes I tried to go back to wearing them but my husband would say that he liked it better when I didn't wear them. I stopped wearing them again, because I guess deep inside I also liked not wearing them. My husband encouraged me to continue as I couldn't find another job that paid as good and we truly could not afford our bills otherwise. We did not qualify for Wellfare, Medicaid or Foodstamps and he did not want to ask for money from the bishop. I did that job for 4 years. To make the story short, in time my husband begun to encourage me to get close and friendly with some of the wealthy men that were in that environment. I was not comfortable with that. One man actually asked me out and offered to pay me to go out. My husband said: "we only have $87 in the bank and no other money coming in!! Please go and see what you can get!!!" I went. The man offered me all kinds of money if I married him. He asked me to stay the night. I refused and told him I could not do that. I went back home. When I related to my husband what had happened he said to me: "I am a looser who cannot make any money. You should leave me and go with him. I cannot take care of you. Please leave. I want you to stop loving me". I tried to hug him but he pushed me away. That same week, I had been feeling lonely and had been texting with a man that I had met at an event. I had been telling him all my drama and my sorry story and he acted like he cared for me. I felt I had feelings for this man. I went and had sex with him. I felt comforted at the moment. Afterwards I started feeling terrible and to ask myself "what have I done"? I could not stand the guilt and told everything to my husband 2 days later. He was very sad and angry. But told me later that he forgave me and would stay with me because he felt he had put me on a bad position. He told me I didn't need to go to the bishop, but I felt too bad and I confessed to the bishop as well. I am having a very hard time getting over this and forgiving myself because I keep wishing that I wouldn't have listened to my husband and wouldn't have gone out with the rich guy and wouldn't have had the affair with the other guy either. It has been 6 years of trying really hard to get an income that will pay for the bills for us but now looking back I would have rather risk losing our home and be destitute than feeling this guilt. I wish I wouldn't have worked those jobs for 4 years that got me gradually comfortable with interacting with men too closely.... I don't know what to think of myself!!! I also suffer from Panic Disorder which is a stress related disorder in which you are suddenly struck with feelings of terror for no reason. What I did and my intense feelings of guilt triggered a relapse so I have also started again on Medication to keep it under control (Anti-Depressants and Anti Anxiety medication). How do I forgive myself after what I have done? How can I see myself as a good person again after what I have done? How can I be happy again?