Pistachio

I agree with all you have said, Jane doe and applepansy. I need to have a good talk with him and really find out what is his reasoning and if he still wants to do his own thing, then my doubts will get worse and it will be best to just cool off the whole marriage thing all together. It won't be easy. My kids have become quite attached to him too. We will all be affected. Thanks for all the comments, they've really helped.

Hi Applepansy, his family do not have the means to to help him, they are struggling financially and ideally, if he was working he would be sending money to them to help out. He wants to 'put together' some money to buy a ticket but I don't think he can earn enough to support himself whilst he is there. He intends on getting help from the government, a benefit paid weekly to new entrepreneurs, which differs from a Job seekers benefit because he won't be required to attend the benefit office every week. He'll only receive the normal amount of weekly payment a jobseeker gets. It's not much. So he wants to somehow live on and save up for his ticket. His plan is to sleep on his friend's couch, as he has given up his own place. Then save up the benefit money for a few weeks till he can buy a ticket. This might mean becoming a burden on the family he will be staying with? Then I guess he will somehow get someone to send him the payments as they arrive and he will support himself on that while he's with family. I'm trying to understand this all myself. I'm trying to see the reason in it all. so, basically.. 1. He doesn't have the funds with which to set up a business right now, and neither does his family so I don't see the wisdom in going to do that now. 2. Our plans are that we will settle in the UK together and move back home sometime in the future when the kids are older, so I don't see the wisdom is starting the business abroad right now, as he won't be there anyway. 3. For him to fulfil his desires, I see him being away from us for at least 6 months, this will include the time it takes to save up for a ticket, and the time he spends over there. 4. While he was in the UK the last couple of months he helped me move out of my house and into a bigger house that we planned would be our home together. We were planning on being married within a couple of months, he would move in and he would then be able to work and contribute to the expenses of our bigger home. Then other issues came up and now I am left to pay the rent and outgoings on the house on my own. I don't see the wisdom in that. I still think, as I put it to him, that we should get married and start our lives together, get him settled in a job, enjoy some time together for once, and put these things first before going abroad to see family. 6 months to a year would be all we would need. This would enable us to save up enough money, not just for travel expenses, but to help ease the financial strains of the family members back home too. Typing all this out is actually helping me, and reading all the comments. I'm really considering moving on with my life. Some prayer and fasting and inspired advice should help me make the right decision.

Hi all and thanks for all your input. They have all been very useful. I want to touch on some points which might help. We have been dating for about a year but have known each other for about 26 years. We have had feelings for each other for a very long time and have already come through a few trials together. He does want to marry me as I him and I have realised the this will take work. I have been able to see areas in my personality that need improvement and have been working on them. Things I think are important to make this relationship work. I'm becoming a better person I hope, slowly but surely. I have asked him to let us go and get married abroad where both our families live and that would cover both our desires. He is happy with that but he wants to stay there for up to 2 months or even more if he can, because he wants to spend more time with his family and he wants to try and make arrangements for a business venture over there. I feel that when we marry, we should return home together and set up our home and he can get a job and we establish our family. We both have children but only mine will be with us for a while, and then hopefully his ex will let us have their kids now and again. Then I thought, after a while he can go back to see family and start a business maybe after 6 months or so? He currently has nothing. He has no funds with which to start the business venture right now. I thought it would make more sense to come home and work and save up some money and then go back and do what he needs to do. He didnt like the idea of coming back home with me at first. He wanted to stay behind for the reasons I stated above. Then he later accepted he would return with me but he felt 6 months was too long to wait before going back. I'm starting to doubt him and this isn't good. I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't be marrying him at all. Not because he isn't accepting my idea but because he seems to be making these decisions based on his own desires only and not based on common sense and wisdom. At the moment, he has residency permit in Ireland and I live in England. Getting married would enable us to be together as he has to apply for a visa to come here and pay for accommodation etc otherwise. It's all so complicated and I'm losing hope just typing this all out.

I'm going to cut to the chase here. I'm dating a guy and I want to marry him. However, he seems to have a few more priorities that come before our plans to be married. I'm not a very patient person and this will be a second marriage for both of us. Do I wait until he has sorted all these things out or do I accept that I'm not important enough to him and run? He says he wants to visit his family who live abroad because he has not seen them in 14 years. He says he needs to go for 6 weeks or more. He wants to put money together to do this and he wants to sort out his residency in Ireland. As far as I'm concerned, we need to do what we can to be married as soon as possible. We have been dating for a while now. I don't know how long it will take him to sort things out and how long I might have to wait but I'm not happy. I don't feel like I matter at all. I'm scared and I want to walk away. I love him and I don't think I can walk away from him. Someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. Thanks in advance.

Thanks everybody for your advice. I did have a talk with him and apparently I misunderstood what he was saying. He said that he had agreed to do as I suggested and that he is always open to suggestions anyway. It did seem unlike him to ignore ( as I thought) my suggestion. I guess I need to see how it works out with money issues when he starts working, before we start any real wedding plans. I really appreciate all your inputs and will let you all know how it goes.

What you've said really hits hard. Because if this is how he is going to be with money, and he won't change, then there's no use in me talking to him about it. I should start to seriously consider ending it. It won't be easy.

Hi Gwen, We only just got engaged and have not booked anything or set a date. I think the counselling sounds like a good idea, but I would have to pay for it and I can't afford it. We had planned to have a joint account with equal say, after marriage. I want to talk to him about it but I'm worried that it will seem like I'm trying to make him choose between me and his kids. DO I talk to him about it or just accept that he will always put his kids first financially, even if we are struggling and his ex is rolling in dough. Isn't there a way it would be fairer?

Thanks, I certainly do not want to put all these children through another divorce. I would rather stay on my own than get into another marriage with problems that I can see from the get go.

My fiancé and I are both divorcees with children under 12 years of age. He has 3 and I have 2. He is currently unemployed and I am working. I also have a small business that I'm trying to build up to hopefully make some significant profit in the next couple of years. My fiancé's ex wife doesn't work and gets money from the government. She also gets money from my fiancé's multilevel marketing business, which is about £150 a month. He isn't active in the business really but it pays out because other people he signed up to it are active. So in total his ex gets about £650 a week. This is more than I earn with my job and my business. My fiancé told me this morning that when he starts working, and gets paid, he will send his first months wages to his ex for his kids and he will give his second month's wages to his cousin who has been putting him up for free until he gets a job. He just moved to the UK so is still finding his feet. I suggested he gave some of each month's wages to the kids and some to his cousin each month. He disagreed with this and said it was a 'spiritual' thing he felt he needed to do. I am struggling with this. I have spent more money than I can afford on visiting him, while he was abroad and even now. On our dates, I usually pay. He still lives a 3.5 hour drive away from me. He keeps saying he will pay me back when he starts earning some money. I never ask him to, but he insists he will. He has shown me he loves me in other ways but I am a little disturbed by this. I thought he would have considered doing what he promised. I thought he would try to get some money from his monthly payments to help towards being able to visit me more regularly. I didn't mind before but now I do. Sending a months salary to his ex (who gets more than I do already) for the kids and then the next months salary to his cousin. Where do I come in? Please tell me straight. Am I being evil? Selfish? I'm not being supportive to him as a father in thinking this way am I? I just feel like I'm losing my money and working hard and spending my hard earned money on this relationship but I wasn't considered a priority when he does start earning. Can anyone relate to this or have any advice. I feel bad that I feel this way so if I'm wrong someone please tell me so I can sort myself out. Thanks.