anon20

...hence the question.

I can honestly tell you I didn't think I'd ever find myself in this situation. I appreciate all the help I can get. If there were ever a missionary that wes trunky, it'd be me, I'm on the internet for heaven's sake. I'm here though, because I need to talk about this so I can get my head straight. Sadly I can't even talk about this with my companion. I've prayed and fasted and studied to the point everything is sore and tired, and I don't know what more to do. I've received the answer in prayer, or what I thought was an answer in prayer, that I should go home, and that is one of the biggest influences that caused me to talk to my mission president, but I was told my answer came from 'other sources' than that of the spirit. This is not the only reason for my going-home either. I have no drive to work as a missionary, being here stresses me to tears, and I'm pulling everyone else around me down, not to mention wasting my time in not helping anyone, especially myself. They say obedience is the key, and I busted my butt to be 100% for my first ten months, and after falling with a bad companion, I picked-up again for three months. Just recently I've had another relaxed companion with whom we didn't leave the house. I don't have the will-power to kick-start myself again, especially while I'm wasting away in a branch that has twenty members when the sun is shining and two, including the missionaries, when the sky is gray. My current companion is suffering greatly because I'm pulling him back. Wouldn't it be best just to get-out of the way?

My excuse was that it would simply be easier later, like when I marry... ooo boy, no it is not. The important thing to remember is that while the social interactions we have in the church are almost necessary, they need not dictate what we think and do. Your bishop can help. If he doesn't, take it a step further. Its tough, but I wish in had the strength to do it when I was your age.

To explain the story, I began with a huge interest in sex, brought-on by my best friends in elementary school. It didn't take long being a tech wiz to find that naked girls were not just available, but common on the internet. Surprisingly to me, it didn't take long to find-out how to make my erection satisfying either. Like they say about cigarettes and alcohol, sometimes it only takes one, and from the point, going just a day without it is difficult. From age eleven to age today at age twenty, I've fought with this. I'd be lying if I said this is my first time trying to stop, but I suppose that's the point of an addiction. I'm a Mormon and grew up as such, so my first great attempt to stop this came at about age fourteen. I talked with my bishop about it. I felt so ashamed, as he'd asked about this specific thing before and I'd lied to him about it. I stopped for about one week, but I guess I wasn't ashamed enough. When I failed the first time, I didn't have the guts to tell him again, so I just ignored the problem again. I continued my personal attempts to stop it on my own, but my mind lost to my body time and time again. Several years later, I found myself preparing to serve as a missionary. Everything except my secret was in* order. I still didn't* get over my problem so, once again, I just ignored it. Soon I found myself in an environment with good people everywhere, no talk of the subject, and no internet. I was in the missionary training center. Soon, one week, two weeks, three weeks passed without a problem or relapse. One day was particularly hard, had a relapse about three and a half weeks in, but then another four, and entire month without even masturbating. I'd become a new person, I felt great, other than the fact that that I believed myself to still be a sinner for not confessing my sin... but I had more energy than ever and was as high as the clouds. Soon, I arrived in South America, where I was sent to serve as a missionary. I tried and tried and tried to avoid the thought of sex, but if any of you here know what South America is like, you'll know that you see pornography everyday without touching a computer. They call Las Vegas bad... I tell you its nothing. Within a week of arriving here, I was back to my addiction, and back to my grumpy-old-self. Three months of fighting a losing battle with myself, I went to talk to my mission president. I thought I'd be going-home and entering an addiction clinic, and I thought that by telling him my problem I'd figuratively be opening Pandoras Box and telling everyone I know 'I can't serve a mission because I'm addicted to porn!' It took such an effort to tell him because of that, and I was counting on receiving real help. To my dismay I was told 'just get over it.' "Don't spend too long in the shower" and "count to forty" were the only suggestions I received... things I'd done before. When I tried to bring it up with him again, he just basically told me 'I don't want to hear about it, get back to work.' From personal experience, I can tell you its hard to have the drive to wake-up at 6:30 in the morning to walk door to door in the hot South American sun to talk to people about Jesus and how he solves problems, especially when I've got my own that's not getting fixed. I reached the point where I gave-up, but now I'm back on track and want to quit. If I really want to go home, I have the choice to do so, but the humiliation will be... incredible. I think there are few who can truly understand this. Either way I'm willing to do the necessary, and I would like suggestions to help me get-out of this nine-year-old hole I've fallen-in. The biggest question on my mind if I should quit the mission to get this fixed.