LRK99

Many of you had read my post from earlier, and I really appreciate the advice. I told my husband I was going to seek counseling and talk to the bishop- and he was free to come along. It upset him and he thinks I'm going to turn the church against him, but again I invited him to come along if he wants to be involved. I've been such on edge around him. When we were first married, I was much more affectionate. I appreciated him more, said nicer things, did more things for him, etc. And it's stopped. I can't say if it's because our son was born and all of my attention went toward him, or I simply decided I didn't want to put up with my husband anymore and turned off. Before we were married, though he had a strong testimony as mentioned, he had a negative view toward women. He always made jokes about how women were less and how we only had roles in the bedroom and kitchen. I always assumed he was just joking around, though deep inside it hurt. I did confront him on this, and he assured me he didn't actually mean it. However, over the years, he's still managed to talk down to me from time to time. Calls me an airhead, calls me a dummy, etc. Even on the road, he's always convinced the "bad" driver is woman. He STILL talks about women being less than him. It was especially bad when he had that female, micromanaging boss. If he and I got into any disagreement, he'd yell at me and say, "I don't need another woman telling me what to do!" He talks down to our toddler. Constantly calls him a bad boy. Calls him a retard. Calls him stupid. Calls him dumb. I always talk to him about how I don't feel comfortable about it, and he just shrugs if off and says, "he doesn't understand anyway." He doesn't see the whole picture. He doesn't get why it's important to not call him names at all. My son is going through his "mommy" phase, as well as his independence. Many times he doesn't want to be around his dad simply because he stresses him out. My husband takes personal offense to this, thus continuing down the cycle. On the other hand, they do have great days together at times. My son gives him kisses, runs to him, plays with him, and my husband can be very involved. Anyway, my husband told me yesterday he would be inactive if we divorced, as the church doesn't mean anything to him anymore. He also threatened to make sure he doesn't take our sons to church (I'm pregnant with another boy). This was during the middle of a fight, when I lost my temper after he spanked him in the shower. I can't be around him anymore. He's negative, moody, and treats his family like he's better than us. Maybe I simply lost my interest in pleasing him because I finally snapped to his behavior. I have to ask him to do nice things for me. I have to ask him to help me out with things (which usually results in stomping around and loud sighs). I don't know, maybe it's unfair for me to expect him to be nice to me when I won't be nice in return. Maybe I'm being selfish by giving up on caring about him. I've become so mean to him. I resent him. I just feel at this point it's a waste of time and energy to be nice, as I'm certain he won't change in the way he treats me and my son. I'm hoping counseling can help, but I just don't know. Thank you again for reading my concerns.

Thanks for your input, everyone. On a regular day, I don't think about leaving him or leaving the marriage, but often it gets to the point where I'm so tired of dealing with him, I think about it. I would much rather work through our differences. I have mentioned marital counseling more than once to him. He's not much of a fan and thinks he already knows what's wrong (which typically revolves around me and not "us"). "If you would just do this...", etc. Every fight and disagreement is because of me. He won't take credit for his role, which is by far the most frustrating thing. He has the entire week off for Christmas. Yesterday morning, while I was trying to feed our toddler, clean up the kitchen mess from the big breakfast I made, trying to get my own food together, and dealing with a puppy who was pooping all over the floor, my husband began complaining about how I never do any chores around here and what a mess the place was. He started vacuuming, going off about how I just let things get so messy, etc. After about 5 minutes, I began to tune him out as I had other things to deal with. My toddler was now being clingy and whiny and wanted to be held while I tried to clean up after he ate, and I was putting the puppy away in her crate. His complaining probably lasted a good 30 minutes. After, he was angry at me for ignoring him and not acknowledging him, stating I just never listen. I simply told him I heard everything he said, but was not in the mood to discuss it right away. He told me I couldn't take criticism well. I told him what he was doing was not criticism, but complaining. If he really has a concern about what I do or don't do around here, it would be best to wait for a time where everything is calm, I'm not multi-tasking, he's calm, and we can discuss it like adults. Otherwise, he would not be receiving a desired response. I feel he does this often. Brings things up at the worst times, expecting me to drop everything and apologize for my flaws. We could be having a discussion about car batteries and he'll find a way to sneak in some sort of insult or point out a flaw of mine. I simply shut down and don't want to be around him when he does this, which to him makes him feel like I'm not listening or acknowledging anything he says. Anyway, I know I have my flaws too. Most days I really DON'T want to be around him. I don't want to fight. I don't want to listen to him. Often, I'll admit, I do start ignoring him and getting defensive. I know there's more I can do on my part. I know I can be more affectionate with him. I used to be very affectionate and always paid attention to him, but I've been staying away from him lately. I'm too exhausted to get into anything. I don't serve him as I used to. Again, I appreciate the advice. I will pray and seek guidance from the Lord. I will step up and do my part to be a better wife. I love how many of you mentioned selfishness as being a main culprit of divorce. I agree. I've become selfish. We're both stubborn and selfish. Often I feel I'm giving so much of myself to our son, he's been cut out. I can't say if that has triggered his behavior, or his behavior has triggered me to stay away from him. Like he says, we don't have much of a marriage anymore. We just live together. Okay, back to Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone! This is the only time I've had to respond, so it's out now. :)

I'll do my best to give a background without taking too long. Married 9 years, 1 toddler, 1 on the way. When I met my husband and we were dating, he was very involved in the church. He had a strong testimony, volunteered for everything, and it continued well into our marriage. We fought a lot the first couple years of marriage, as we are both stubborn. I wasn't very good at conflict resolution, as I was always spanked, yelled at, and punished without real talks from my parents. So, my only solution was to yell and try to get the last word. It took me a bit to realize this, and I made major changes. We were actually very happy after those first couple of years. Rarely fought, got along well, spent a lot of time with one another, traveled, etc. Then, 6 1/2 years into our marriage, we had our firstborn, as we had tried for over 4 years. Things changed. My husband began diving into the online world. Nothing pornographic or social media wise, but spent time watching a lot of YouTube videos and browsing the web, typically guy related humor type sites and news sources. He had always been a bit of an internet junkie, but it became much worse. I had a hard time with our newborn and felt I was dealing with it all myself while my husband lived in his own world. He hated his job at the time, having a boss who was a serious micromanager. He was not only miserable at work, but I felt he was miserable at home, and suggested he had the male version of postpartum. I advised him to take a visit to his doctor and talk to someone, which he did. He spoke to a counselor for a good year, and was put on anti-depressants. Fast forward to almost a year. Knowing how miserable he was in his job, I suggested he start looking for a change. I helped him apply to many places, and he ended up with a wonderful job out of state. He says he's happy here, and about 6 months ago, decided to go off of his medication (we've only been out of state for 6 months, so he went of meds right after the move). I feel like we're back to square one. He still says he's happier at his job, but something in him has changed again. He's delved so much into his online world and watches highly profane Youtube videos. He plays them out loud until I ask him to use headphones or turn it off. It's gotten to the point where he says "they're just words". Now, in the past couple of weeks, he will cuss and use the F word toward me when angry, even over something small. His temper is short, his patience is non-existent, and he talks down to me. I feel my son and I take the brunt of whatever is making him angry. Of course, it's always somebody else's fault he's mad. The driver on the road, me, our son, the dog, the tree outside, etc. I suggested he's depressed again and how I'm concerned about his behavior. To add, he's lost his testimony and interest in the church. He fell behind on tithing, but I pushed it (I stay home with our son) and wouldn't drop it until he caught up again, as I had to plan the budget. I was about to visit our temple for a RS trip, and I told him I didn't feel right because of being behind in tithing. This is when he made changes to catch up, so we are caught up again. Many Sunday mornings he doesn't want to go to church. When I talk to him about my concern, he says he's sacrificed so much for the church already. I feel him pulling away is a huge factor to why our marriage is falling apart. Guilt maybe? I don't know. He's no longer interested in the temple and told me he doesn't miss going (it's been over a year since he's been). When I suggest we read scriptures, he gets defensive and thinks I'm preaching to him. With his anger, my son gets stuck in the middle. As much as I dislike spanking, his first reaction when angry is to hit. Not slap or do anything hard, but spank his bottom (he's 18 months). I've expressed my discomfort with this. I feel he's too rough with our son. He has zero patience for him and treats him like he's much older, not a baby. I just feel like we are constantly on eggshells around him. I don't know if I can stick around anymore. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of his short temper. I'm tired of him always being angry. I'm tired of it always being everyone else's fault. He refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions. I'm tired of my son being thrown in the middle of this. I'm tired of the garbage he watches and listens to, and how he exposes it to our boy without a care. I'm tired of the way he speaks to me. I'm not perfect either. I lose my temper with him. I'll say mean things to him as well. I'm not always calm and collected myself. I snap at him when I feel I'm being stretched too thin. We're both conflicting, not just him. I just feel like a perfectly good day can go sour so quickly because of his temper. Thanks for reading.