SALZBURGERMADL

It helped me because it confirmed to me that forgiveness is a process that comes through healing. To many people expect a victim to let it go and forgive right away. Trust me, I am not Mother Theresa. There have been times in the past when I lost it and screamed. But the point is that I'm human and make mistakes. Within 8 years I had gone from a bad marriage, loosing a newborn, abandonment by husband whIle pregnant with 2 little ones, moving to a new country, becoming a stepmother to teens who were grieving the loss of their mother, a very rocky marriage and did not want me and the list goes on. To say I was stressed was an understatement and I very quickly plunged into a deep suicidal depression. I had very little support during those times and my life was not easy.

It helped me because it confirmed to me that forgiveness is a process that comes through healing. To many people expect a victim to let it go and forgive right away

Healing from abuse takes time. Read Elder Richard G Scotts 1992 talk on healing from abuse.

I don't have time for a lengthy reply as I'm heading out to get my antidepressant prescription refilled. But that's just it, how dare I not be perfect? Last I heard, the only way to be perfect was through the atonement and by taking on His name. The list of trials, traumas and losses I've been through is lengthy and yet I've been expected to not fall apart and raise my voice when my kids step out of line. Both my ex and my husband undermined me as a mother. So my kids have developed a false impression of how a mother is supposed to be. I hate to say this but I'm certain that the portrait of what a mother in Zion is like is not portrayed very accurately in YW. I did fall apart and experienced a deep depression. I'm doing a lot better, but my kids are still hurting and some angry that I wasn't the mother that they needed.

The thing about communication is that I have little difficulty doing so with other people, the problem is communication with my family. Furthermore, I could be wrong about this but I feel that my family has developed an unreasonably high expectation for mothers and how they are supposed to conduct thrmselves.

Not to worry, I knew what you meant. The point was that I had made the suggestion of going somewhere and it was refused. Until she is ready to go there is little I can do but wait. She says that she has forgiven me, but I feel that she hasn't fully forgiven me yet. If she had she would not have interpreted the things I had said with such hostility. A short whole ago she wrote me and asked that we stop fighting because she missed sharing baby photos with me. I wrote back and told her that I loved her and that at no point had I been arguing with her because I wasn't angry with her. I have attended therapy by myself and it has been very helpful. I have also relied on the healing power of the atonement and that has made a tremendous difference. But like Elder Scott said in a talk given many years ago, healing from abuse takes a long time.

I agree with going to see a therapist and I even suggested that this morning but she refused. About 10 years ago she was angry with me for having a hard time forgiving her dad and leaving what he did to us in the past, adultery and abandonment while i was pregnant. She says that she forgave me about 1 1/2 years ago but day before yesterday things blew up again. She had made a comment that brought a very painful memory back to the surface and I told her this. I wasn't angry, I was in pain. It angered her and things spun out of control from there. It's also very hard to talk on the phone or face to face as I grew up in a home with a very narcissistic, highly intelligent older sibling and have been verbally and emotionally abused and backed into a corner by my spouse when I tried to communicate with him. It has caused me to be very afraid to talk with members of my family.

I should add that I've been a member nearly 40 years, I served a mission, I've always honoured the covenants I made in the Temple and at baptism. I do my best to be compassionate to others. I do my best to be worthy of the atonement and to be a disciple of Christ.

Once again my adult daughter has reminded me of what an abusive mother I am. I'm heartbroken that according to her all my kids see me as being such a terrible person. I know I'm far from perfect and I know that I have made plenty of mistakes, but I rarely raise my voice at them. I do write angry texts at times because I'm afraid of confrontations. Once in a while, maybe once or twice per year, I loose it and yell. I used to yell a lot more when the kids were younger because I was under a lot of stress due to challenges and trauma. I'm just heartbroken that they see me as being that kind of a person. My husband doesn't help much because he comes from a perfect lds family who never raised their voces. How bad am I really?