Scarlett

I have to be so careful. I don't claim that this is normal or healthy, but I know this conversation will make him very low and if he's not mad, he will instead feel worthless. I know we need counseling, but I'm scared of it, if I'm being honest. I don't think he would take it well, and I'm scared to get that ball rolling. I've considered going on my own, and that might be what I need to do, at least at first. He has actually said he is willing to, so it's not that. But I feel like there are conversations I need to have without him first. I fear that he actually doesn't need the connection like I do. I remember his mom telling me once that his dad (they are divorced since my husband was a teenager) admitted that he only got married because it was a commandment. I don't actually think my husband is that way, but at the same time, I see him being pretty content not having a great connection with me. In fact, the excessive gaming seems to have a calming effect on him, so maybe I should be glad for that. But then what? I'm not content. I want us to be best friends.

Also, we have a very hard time talking about this. He feels ganged up on, no matter what I say.

I like what you suggest about rules. That might help. One of the difficulties is that he is often on call for work, so he can't miss that. That's one of the reasons he always feels like he has to have his phone. As far as not being jealous... I like the advice and I agree, but it is honestly all day every day that he has his face in his phone and can barely have a conversation. So yes, I do feel jealous and I'd like not to, but even if I'm not feeling jealous, it's still excessive. We have never done counseling. I have been *this close* lots of times, but then things get better enough that I put it off again. It's hard to say if he thinks it's a problem or not. He knows it's a problem enough to promise me that after whatever current event he's participating in is over, that he'll be done. One of the games runs these events that each last for two weeks, and he gets very involved. After the last time, he told me he wasn't going to do one of those events again. And then a week ago, he mentioned to me that he was in the middle of a new one and he was surprised that I was unhappy about it. And then he told me this one was going to end on Sunday (this past Sunday) and he would be done after that, but somehow that has now been extended to tonight. So he has already informed me that that is how he will be spending his evening tonight (Valentine's Day). He wants to have dinner together, at least. So I think he knows it's a problem, but he's so sucked in right now that he doesn't want to do anything about it. And I don't trust what he says about it anymore, which he thinks is really unkind of me. The thing is, I really don't think I'm mean about it. I understand he likes the games. His brain never stops, so he needs something to occupy his mind, and I understand that. But it is just out of control. And I do feel neglected. I wonder if I will ever get to have a marriage with real connection. And that makes me really sad.

Hello. I've been reading some of the forums here and I feel like this is a good place for sound advice. My husband is addicted to games on his phone. This is not new, but it used to be PC games. It has been going on for most of our 15-year marriage, but there have been times when it has been better. Right now, I feel like it is out of hand. He seems to have lost control. I saw him checking in on one of his games during Sacrament Meeting this week, which is something that I know even he would usually think is inappropriate. He is on his phone constantly. Truly, I would say that during the time he is home, or even when we are out doing something as a family, he checks it every 2 minutes or more. Always! His current fixation causes him to get home from work about two hours late every night, because he's working on his games so much. He has two main ones that take up his time. This means we either have dinner without him or we have a late dinner, every night. He is near impossible to have a conversation with because he's either on his phone or he's thinking about it, or he just lacks the patience or attention span to hear what I'm saying. He frequently does not hear the things I say to him, and I think it's because he is so focused elsewhere. The reasons I'm unhappy about this are: -I feel like he is much more interested in apps on his phone than he is in me. -I feel like he is teaching our kids to value unimportant things and spend excess amounts of time on things with no lasting value. -It inhibits our general progress in life. So much time is spent on these games that it gets in the way of doing other, better things. Last night, he had our 10-year-old boy out until almost 11 p.m. playing Pokémon Go. He didn't even run it by me. We homeschool, so he didn't have to be up early for school, FWIW. I was irritated, but didn't want to fight about it. When he came home, he suggested I go put our son to bed and then we could spend some time together. I told him I had things I needed to do. Which was true. I wasn't trying to be rude, but he could tell I was unhappy. So he accused me of being a grouch and wanting to "fight all the time." Which I don't think is true. He regularly complains that he can't get to work on time because our nighttime and morning schedules are too late, but then he also comes home from work late because of games and keeps my oldest kid out late because of games, so I feel like his complaints about our schedule are unfair and confusing. Two of his work buddies and an old friend of ours also play one of these games, so he feels like he is doing something normal and even good because he's constantly interacting with these friends. But I can't know if they are as distracted from life as he is by it. So I guess my question is, how SHOULD I be when I feel like his behavior in this area is inappropriate? Should I just let it slide and put on a happy face for the sake of marital peace? He's a good man and I know it. But I do feel hurt by it, and I feel like him calling me a grouch or telling me I'm so mean about it, is him deflecting blame when he knows he's acting inappropriately. Am I off base? What do I do? This has been happening off and on for our whole marriage, but these particular game have been a time suck for about 9 months or so.