tearbear

Hi, I hope I'll be able to get some advice on a problem I'm having... I'm not sure where to turn!! I'll write (as briefly as I can) all that's happened in the last couple of years... I met my partner when I started a new job in June 2007. At that point, he was just a friend. Anyway, he was LDS, and introduced me to the church. As we started discussing things, we became closer, were an item... I was taking the discussions and was then baptised mid-October 2007. We were very happy in the church... He had already been a member for around two years and loved everything about the church... He was the stake YSA rep and institute rep, as well as being a ward missionary. I was also called as a ward missionary after a few months, and loved being part of the work. Anyway. Around 10 months go by, and we're in August 2008. Very innocently, wanting to learn more about church history, I started Googling things, and came across a lot of things that weren't in line with what I was being taught. Things that were completely different, and I remember feeling completely shocked and as though these things couldn't possibly be true... In all honesty, I don't remember details (thats how important all this seems to me now!) but there were things about archaeological evidence for the BoM, discrepancies about things happening in Palmyra etc... I felt cheated, and the more I tried to look for things to put it right, to find an explanation... The more deep-set these things became. I told my partner about what I'd seen. I was terrified, I thought he would break up with me for looking at things like this, even though it wasn't something I'd set out to read, that wasn't what I wanted at all... I was very happy in the church... But he turned around and said he'd had questions of his own, and things hadn't "felt right" for a while. Anyway. After speaking to a few people in the stake - friends, our Bishop - and after reading a little more, we left. That was late September 2008. There had been about six weeks between my first reading about the church and us writing to the Bishop saying we were not going to be attending any more. We had a couple of meetings with the Bishop after that, but questions didn't get answered. Honestly, I don't think I was ever honest about what I'd seen, and what I needed answering. I was too scared to mention anything, even though it was having such a detrimental effect on my faith... I was scared what their responses would be - I thought they couldn't possibly refute everything and have "decent" answers. So I gave brief responses to his questions and left it at that. My partner said even less. He still hasn't really explained to me what HIS problems were with the church. In the last 7/8 months we haven't been to church at all. We've done things people usually do when they leave - lived the life of a couple of 20-somethings that aren't members... The way people in society generally live. With all the bells and whistles. We're living together now, as of late March 2009, in a rented house. We've just been wandering along, not really thinking about anything other than ourselves and trying to make ourselves happy in this new life we have. Last Sunday, my partner proposed to me. I'm exstatically happy about that, and I love to think that we're going to be married and REALLY start our life together... But here's the problem. Over the last month, since we moved in, I've been thinking "OK, things are going to the next level now... We're not just dating any more, what is important to ME? What will make ME happy? What do I think will make US the most happy?" And honestly, I really would like to go back to church. I try to think about the details that led me to leaving, and I cannot think of a single one. Nothing that would seem THAT important. I think I perhaps acted on a whim. All I know now is what I feel in my heart, and I feel that church is the right place for us to be. Especially now... We're going to be married, and shortly after thinking about starting a family... This is a whole new ball game. Where do I want to raise my family? The answer is, I would LOVE to raise my family in the church. I loved who I was back then. Not that I'm a complete monster now, I'm still a pretty good person, but I felt that much better on the INSIDE. I think about my marriage, and the first thing that pops into my mind is the Temple. I never got to go through my endowments when I was in the church... I did some baptisms, and that was amazing, but I want to be able to go through the Temple. I want to be sealed to my husband. I've gotten nothing out of being away from the church, other than a few hangovers and after the initial feeling of being "free", just a kind of emptiness. I miss the social activities, I miss my friends that I made in the church (I still see them, but not as much with being away), I miss the family-oriented feel to the place. I miss being around genuinely GOOD people. Now, if he felt the same, it would be amazing, but that's the problem. He doesn't. He doesn't even know if he believes in God at all any more. He's perfectly happy the way he is, and doesn't see the need to change. He says the person he was at church wasn't him. He looks back now and hates the person he was. I can't see him ever going back... And he still won't tell me exactly what it was that made HIM leave in the first place, what HIS problems were. I want to go back... But not without him. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with... I love him more than anything in this world and cannot imagine my life without him... But I want a life in the church. I don't want my family to be divided... I just don't know what to do Also, a further point... If we do go back to church, I'm terrified I won't get my Temple marriage anyway (I'm in the UK, so it would have to be after a "normal" ceremony) because of us living together now. But a Temple sealing is what constitutes marriage for me, I can't imagine it any other way... I'm sorry to go on for so long... I didn't mean it to be this long, I've just never spoken about this before and it's all come out at once!