countryminded21

I too am a RM I fully understand what you are going through. I received the gospel at 9 years of age & felt comfortable & good about the teachings of the plan of salvation. It felt good in my life & throughout my teens. I went on a mission as I made a decision throughout my life that I wanted to share it with others. The MTC was a struggle for all. Our district faced adversity amongst us, we were all just a bunch of young ones aged 19 for the guys & 21 (like I was) for the women. WE had a desire to share the gospel & accepted the challenge placed for us. We got through the 3 wks & entered the missionfield. I can say I enjoyed the missionfield. I had a few personal challenges that I didn't resolve before I came on a mission, as I knew not really of the importance of it, but through counselling of a good mission dad & mum & leaders I overcame. I planted seeds & harvested them. My knowledge of the plan of salvation was thin I only could say I must have felt the testimony of the missionary couple who taught me, but didn't fully understand the implications of the plan of salvation & how Jesus Christ played an important role in fulfilling that plan. It wasn't till I studied on a mission did I gain my own personal testimony. It wasn't a bolt of lightening or a burning sensation. It was more of a peace & understanding that I lacked for all those years & only really understood when I came into the mission field. Mission was the best learning school for me. The challenge was when I returned not having that time to study as much as I did, but made an effort to do little by little. I thought others would expect lots from me, been returned missionary I had this concept that others will look at me differently & think I know all the answers when I DONT I am only human, I dont know the meaning of all things. It comes little by little, and that process still does. I left the church when I was 25 through some sad experiences in my life that made me doubt priesthood & the authority. The roles they played. I had anxiety problems I faced depression due to a RM who I was to marry chose to leave me 2 months before the planned wedding day, & also a death of a best friend whom was like a brother to me (I carried a lot of guilt for a year or so until I felt comfortable that i HAD been forgiven) & then losing a job. I remained in this state for 2 years. I came to church few times as I couldn't bare it no longer as many rumors were going round, had little support still from my ward members. Then I began to recover & went back to college to study part time got a job in care home. Then met my true love whom isn't a member of the church & fell away from the church, only attending about 6-12 times a year! only staying for sacrament. I married him this year. I thought of church as I missed the times of sacrament remembering the covenants. I missed rembering my savior. I said a prayer with the soul that I may walk one day into sacrament meeting. That prayer was answered the very time I woke up I got a peaceful feeling & a whispering saying "Be an example" I thought this was my answer that I have to be an example to my husband & since then I have gone to church every other week (due to work comitments). I still have concerns that matter as i am ex'd member, but I feel that my relationship is with God not with the people around me in church. I can learn from them & their examples but I am there for ME. I can say i liked my time off church as I had time to think of what is important in my life. I thought differently and still do now. I am more questioning than i used to be. I used to accept things as they were taught to me. Since been married its changed my life. He isn't a member of the church, but feels strongly about the LOVE OF CHILDREN & especially with the war in Iraq he is very concerned. He wants it stopped cause the commandment to LOVE one another & thou shall not kill doesn't make sense to why people have to go to war to kill inicent people. I have a nephew who is Half Iraq & its placed a heart sting on my soul. Some of the docterines are confusing to me & some of the writings in the scriptures are confusing, but I tend to pick out the good that teach me & inspire me to do better. I hope this has helped in some way for you. Any questions please feel free to email me or drop a line. Take care Love CG from UK