When the kids are gone

[jolee65]

The granite is turning out great thanks for asking :) I joined the gym on Friday I do enjoy working out and its my time alone even if im in a room with alot of people, it helps me sleep better and coping with stress.

He have been together since 1984 married in 1988 divorced for 2 yrs back for 5yrs

He didnt have an interest in politics or history when we dated and i dont mind it but it does consume his free time constantly.

He doesnt like lawn work including mowing so I do the lawn he has helped with digging holes for planting and has also gone to the store to buy plants with me.

He took me shopping over the weekend to buy new church clothes and was really into saying what he liked and his thoughts about what looked good on me , he was very helpful.

I think hes trying to make a difference in how he interacts it seemed nice to hear his thoughts and opinions.

[Alaskagain]

Jolee, I just want to thank you for posting this thread. It helped me very much to write my responses.

It has been one of those months, where everytime I turn around, it has been, "Something ELSE that I have to take care of!"

And because of this, yesterday, when a new Something Else came up, I turned to him and nicely said "Here, YOU can take care of this. I have to go run some errands." I gave him the phone number and told him who to ask for and what questions to ask, and you know what? He looked very confused for a minute, but then HE took care of it!

I'm going to start doing that more often!

[BenRaines]

jolee, thanks for the feedback of your weekend. I know that during my learning of how to be a good husband it just took a teacher with patience. My wife has been working for 33 years to get me trained the way she wants me to be and I know she won't leave me since she doesn't have the energy to train another.

Even after 33 years I am still learning what to do to keep her happy.

As we all know or should know if we don't, "When mommas happy, everyone is happy and when she isn't, hide the sharp things" :)

Ben Raines

[jolee65]

You can say that again, because he loves to debate and its usually about something small and we are both are very passionate people, I have suggested going on line and joining a group that likes to discuss current issues just so he can get out alot of that need to vent or go into long discussions about history. LOL

Pride seem to be a large problem we both have to much of it and it turns into pettiness.

[jolee65]

Jolee, I just want to thank you for posting this thread. It helped me very much to write my responses.

It has been one of those months, where everytime I turn around, it has been, "Something ELSE that I have to take care of!"

And because of this, yesterday, when a new Something Else came up, I turned to him and nicely said "Here, YOU can take care of this. I have to go run some errands." I gave him the phone number and told him who to ask for and what questions to ask, and you know what? He looked very confused for a minute, but then HE took care of it!

I'm going to start doing that more often!

LOL,.........Good for you :) I know that confused act is just that an act and it doesnt wash anymore , I even called him on it the other day when I told him what we needed to do to finish the tile work in the kitchen he kept saying what do you mean what are you talking about , I just started laughing and said figure it out.

Thats nice to know that I could help someone else , Thank You Too. :)

[zookeeper]

Loving someone is an action...If you did once, why not now? Has he really changed that much? Have you? Best advice I've ever heard is always treat your spouse as you did when you were dating. (Not waiting for them to do the same.)

[hankpac]

I have read this entire thread top to bottom.

My take:

Your husband has more than word of wisdom problems, he has serious mental health problems. Long term use of Marijuana creates an inertia of both thought and action.

Several of his behaviors as described are typical of depression as well.

Since we cannot really make a diagnosis over the internet, and since you will never solve your problems based on what advise you get on a forum, I suggest you talk to a professional (perhaps first a marriage counselor, even if he won't go), and others, including clergy, as to how to 1. asses the situation in toto, 2. design a plan of action to deal with the situation, and 3. ways and means to act on your plan most strategically.

"Getting back together for the kids" is noble, but rarely satisfies the participants, especially if none of the problems are fixed.

You want to do things, and go places, He wants to sit and stew and browse the internet.

You don't want to argue, he calls you names, and swears at you. You want to discuss things, he walks off. Little things (your description) get blown out of proportion. This boy has problems.

Women often think that if the "Just love him enough" they can fix this.

Poor match for a couple with no kids at home, and often a recipe for separation.

Get help, good luck.

[jolee65]

He stopped about 2 1/2 wks ago, he has his bad days but hes doing his best we read scripture 2-3 times a week he went to his first preisthood meeting last Sunday but I can tell he struggles I keep the stress down and that helps we will just have to see.

[Alaskagain]

I disagree with hankpac who said,

"and since you will never solve your problems based on what advise you get on a forum"

Excuse me, but I have solved a few problems by reading about similar circumstances on a forum board, in particular, lds.net! And the influence of the Holy Spirit can solve a lot more problems (and in kinder ways) than someone with a professional counseling degree who is without benefit of that influence. Yes, there is a place for professional counseling, and an LDS professional counselor for an LDS member who has problems would be the best way to go -- I have seen a lot of problems caused when non-member counselors do not respect our beliefs.

old proverb:

"It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward, only to stumble backward."

small steps in what jolee posted :

he stopped about 2-1/2 weeks ago (belittling?)

he's doing his best

he went to priesthood last Sunday

Jolee keeps the stress level down.

Sounds like steps in the right direction to me. Jolee, I just want to encourage you to continue in what you are doing to improve your marriage. The more you emphasize the positive, the more you will see the improvements.

I don't know if I will be back on here until after the holidays, so I wish you a Merry Christmas!

[jolee65]

Its going to be little steps and Im hoping he can see that im trying also, today is the first Sunday I missed but he still went I woke up feeling really poorly upper respatory infection it think , I did watch service on BYU tv it wasnt the same no sacrament but Im glad I watched anyway. thank you all for your advice and we will continue to work at it and we try to keep the spirit in the house by reading scripture.