Import: A cool story idea!

[MADB]

I'm actually 21...hope I'm not violating board rules here... ...but I have a neat idea for a story, that could also do well as young adult fiction, and I'm curious as to what you guys on this forum think of it.

From my topic in the other forum:

I have a really cool idea for a short story / novelette that I'm working on. I wanted to run it by you guys and get your thoughts on it - both LDS and non-LDS. Also, if you have any good suggestions for it, feel free to comment.

The story starts out with two main characters and a main antagonist. The main characters are both premortal spirits, who are destined to be brother and sister when they pass into mortality. They know the identity of their mother, but not of their father(s). The boy is named Raphael and the girl is named Isabelle. The antagonist is named Vincent, and he is a demon - a premortal spirit who sided with Lucifer against Jehovah and Michael. The mother of Raphael and Isabelle is Luellen - she is not a premortal spirit, but a born human, and she doesn't know about Raphael, Isabelle, or Vincent anymore, because her memory has been erased.

In the story's paradigm, the war in heaven was fought like this: Jehovah was chosen, Lucifer rebelled, and Lucifer began to gain a following, both by persuading people to his side, and by having his followers make "dark promises" to the other premortal spirits, which generally went something like this "if you side with Jehovah and Michael, I promise you that I'll make your life miserable by giving you this temptation and this weakness and doing this and this." Jehovah and Michael countered by organizing their followers to make other "promises," such as "I promise you that if you'll side with Elohim, I will be your mother / brother and will do all I can to provide for you, protect you, teach you the right way," etc. In this way, eventually everyone was persuaded to take a certain side, and certain relationships were established. There were also relationships established among premortal spirits before the grand council, but these were generally solidified and transformed to the next level by the opening phases of the war.

In the story, preborn and postborn spirits can fight each other with spirit swords, spirit bows, spirit staffs and whips, etc, kind of like a fantasy story. The angel children fight with weapons of light, and the demon children fight with weapons of darkness. Except that when a spirit is struck down by a weapon, they don't "die," instead, they pass out of earth's space time and back into the dimension of premortal spirits. In order to come back into Earth's space time, they have to forfeit a certain amount of time - in other words, they can't come back to earth for a certain amount of time, say, five or six months, or even several years.

Raphael was a very valiant spirit in the opening phases of the war. He and Luellen both convinced Isabelle, who was almost too scared to have the faith to side with Jehovah and Michael. It was because of their promises to her that she decided the way she did. However, Vincent, who was also their friend, sided with Lucifer - and he was given the mission to persuade the three of them to side against Jehovah. He failed in his mission, and so his purpose and mission becomes to fulfill his "dark promises" to the three of them.

The story opens outside of a bar in a ghetto neighborhood on earth. Luellen has already been born - but thanks to Vincent and his demon warriors, she has become steeped in sin and is an alcoholic and a drug addict. She is clearly not in a position to fulfil her promises to Isabelle, and Isabelle is scared. Just previous to the opening of the story, Vincent confronted Raphael with a message - that when the sun sets, it will be the last he will see of the sun before passing on. Raphael knows that conditions are very unfavorable for him to come down on earth, and Isabelle is scared to part with him. They gather together an army of friends among the angel children, and invade the bar, where Vincent is tempting one of the customers to have a one night stand with Luellen, and thus cause Raphael to pass to the other side. The invasion is unsuccessful, and Luellen falls to temptation, while most of the angel children are "slain." Raphael passes on to the other side due to Luellen's fornication, while Isabelle herself falls under Vincent's blade, and is sent out of earth for the next nine months.

She has a dialogue with God, in which God reminds her of His promises - kind of like a patriarchal blessing to a premortal spirit. Isabelle is still scared, but she doesn't give up. For this part, I intend to keep the section brief, and to give nothing other than the actual dialogue. That way, the reader can have whatever image of God without feeling threatened (though it will be clear that God is a Father God, and Isabelle is His child). I don't intend for this story's audience to be exclusively LDS.

When she comes back, she arrives in Earth in a small suburb of the main city. She's without friends, feels very alone, and doesn't know what to do. She finds another premortal spirit, who is also very sad. His name is Tristen, and he is sad because both of his parents are sad. His parents are both good Christians, able to provide a loving, supportive home, with a strong desire to raise a large family. However, they have both been trying for a few years to have children, and are very sad because they haven't been able to do it. Tristen is sad, not only because he loves his parents and feels their pain, but also because he knows that he is the sole spirit who will ever be born to them. Isabelle becomes friends with Tristen, and together, they hatch a plan. The plan is to get Tristen's parents to discover and adopt Raphael and Isabelle.

However, Vincent learns of the plan, and moves to thwart it. The rest of the story details the struggle of the angel children, and finishes when Isabelle passes to the other side, successful in her mission to save herself and Raphael from life on the streets.

What do you think? Any suggestions? Does it sound like an exclusively LDS story, or does it sound like something that other Christians could also enjoy? Do you know of anyone who might want to publish it? Any publishers that specialize in religious fiction? Any flaws that you can see, or potential for paradoxes? What do you think?

Any comments or suggestions? Thanks!

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