hey there. first of all, i have a question, do you live in Utah? haha.. sorry to say that.. but i am from California and I currently live in Utah. I love the state, but somethings the people here are overwhelming. we somethings compare ourselves or as women of the church we feel that we need to compete with others. I just went to a fireside which Sister Beck from the General RS talked about this. It needs to STOP! women in the church often try to out do each other. she said, "its not needful to have a successful family by having FHE, have family scripture study, and sew leper bandages out of silk as you go so".I grew up in a family which we had it off and on, but i think i turned out alright. its nice to try to have a family prayer or scripture study, but it doesn't always happen as we want it to. we are not perfect and we shouldn't act like we are. we are all beggars, who all depend on the same God, (Mosiah 4:19).
another thing... wow who tells us that we cant work as women or mothers? the church only has said that as women in the church, we should try not to work ,but if we have too, then we do. My sister faces this everyday as a mother and the bread winner in her family. She makes more money then my brother-in-law, so he stays home with my niece and it all works out for them. who cares who the breadwinner is, right.. as least you have food on your table and the bills paid. So, if you really want to work, talk with your husband about it and see what is best for your family right now. its hard if you really want to work, but you cant because you are home with your children. You need to ask yourself, do i want to work because I need too or because I just miss interaction with adults? it sounds like you miss the interaction with adults as well, so if you don't need to work, then try to get out of the house with your kids. find things to do, like play groups, or go to the movies with friends with your child's. you seem like a smart lady and you probably already do these things, but continue to figure out fun interactions you can have with friends while at home with the kids.
I don't know how old your children are, but do they have a nap time? if they do, then that is your time for yourself or try to find a time for yourself. Yes, I imagine that its hard when you have 3 kids pulling on you or want your attention 24/7. maybe when your husband comes home from work, have him watch the kids.. its just not your kids, but his too. anyway.. you need YOU TIME! you need to find space to breath. often as LDS women, we are on the go, but we don't have to be. if we miss an activity or don't get the laundry all done by the end of the day.. your salvation in not on the line. So, this time you can turn you your Heavenly Father who gave you a brain and a beautiful body to learn and grow. Turn to Him. He knows EVERYTHING which you are going through. He knows YOU! its hard if you cant Hear Him, it happens to the best of us. One word... is CONTINUE to pray even if its Dear God... or have a prayer in your heart always. He trusts you and know that you will Make the correct choices. I know that He is there! as I started to write this note, I asked Him for help so that you can be uplifted. I don't know you, but you seem strong.. continue to be STRONG!
Also, if you cant find your testimony or don't know if you have one, I challenge you too search.. be like Joseph Smith, often i have met people who are LDS and have had the chance to explore other religions and were able to see why they were a member of the LDS church. don't feel bed that you don't have all the answers to your questions right now. be patient with yourself. Read the scriptures even if its one verse a day. pray, go to church and you will see changes down the road, it might not be right away.
Also you need to communicate with your husband too. I am assuming you do and I don't know where you are at in your marriage, but tell him everything, open your heart to him. I will pray that he understands your situation and how you are feeling.
You talked about somethings about church history, mainly about polygamy! its a hard topic. but during the time of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, its was a commandment.. not all men in the church had that calling to have more then one wife. so, when it continued, it wasn't of God. that is why we don't practice it. it might again but I am not sure. I wouldn't let that bug you as much, but if you focus on your personal prayers, scriptures and attending church, this will give you more answers to questions. if you have more, I am here for you! I am not sure if this was helpful at all, but the main thing i want you to know, is you are not alone and your Heavenly Father is there for you! Also,
your mom might not give you a clear answer to any questions about the church mainly because she doesn't believe anymore in the teachings . I will keep you in my prayers. :)
