brynngal

Thank you Crazy potato and Norma I wish you were both in my ward!

I use to live in Utah, so I know how it goes :) I do think we need to lighten up on ourselves. I have the worst problem with comparing myself to others. This thread has been eye opening, and I think I have had a very eye opening day. To be honest which this is the first time I have "told" anyone other than my family, my husband cheated on me a year ago. I don't know why that is so hard to type, I guess it is because I am ashamed. I tried really hard to be the perfect wife, really hard, and I feel like it just wasn't enough. I went to counseling with him, and we are actually really good now. He cheated because he wanted to escape, and in a strange way I empathize with him, who doesn't look back on the single days and think "wow how care free and fun was that". I would never do that to him though, and the fact that he has disregaurded me so has just ripped to shreds any esteem I have. I met the girl, she didn't know he was married. She was nice, kind of odd, I was expecting her to be prettier than me, but as shallow as this sound she was just sort of average. I couldn't figure out why her, what does she have that I don't. He said it wasn't about her, it just sort of happened with her because it was easy. But.. back to what I was getting at. So I feel like I have been doing better with my husband, he is making it up to me, and I am forgiving him. I feel like I transfered some of that anger from my husband to the church. I just can't help but feel not good enough at church, not good enough to be there. When you think about it logically, it is so unfounded I know. But reading over the comments and what I wrote I guess I just realized those are not the words of a nice person. Sure nice people can question, but do nice people have such anger towards an entire community that has yet to do anything bad to them? I am negative, I use to not be, but I feel sort of like I have spiraled into this mad anger person. Outwardly I am still nice, but inside I feel dark, and never happy. I read the link someone posted about staying LDS. I am very grateful for the link. I think if I can not have it be all or nothing I can stay. Who knows maybe I will grow from there and I will finally know one day. Thanks again for all of the input, and letting me air my emotional bagage. Sometimes you just need an unbiased voice to be a sounding board so I appercaite it!

Thank you all for the advice. I will try to be more positive, and grateful, and hopefully I can figure things out.

I don't know where to post this, so I hope this is an ok forum. I don't know who to talk to about it this, so the random strangers on the Internet it is! A little back story, I have been married 7 years, I have 3 kids, and I was seal in the temple. My parents were sometimes active in the church, other times not. I became inactive at 16. I met my husband at 18, I talked with the missionaries, became active, and married soon after at 19, he was a return missionary. It just seemed so right me, I still can not deny the feelings of him being right as so strong. It seemed like a bad match though considering I didn't believe in the church anymore, but I tried, and I think I got by with enough testimony, and happy feeling that I went through the temple. I figured I would just be one of those people that may take a while to get a better testimony, and I felt good feeling about it so I went forward. My in laws are very devout, their whole family is, I have always felt like they never though I was good enough, my parents got a divorce, and my mom and sister are no longer members. I think my in laws thought I was sort of a mess, and well you know what they teach about dating members. Anyhow.. I have been fairly good about going to church. I never really felt like it was true, many things about the church history has bothered me, but I just tried not to think about it. It has always been a precarious thing, my involvement in the church, it involves not thinking too much about anything. Our family moved, and some other huge horrible events happened, which became sort of flood gates for me. Suddenly I am annoyed with the culture of the church, I always sort of have been. My mom worked and people were very rude to my family, especially my mom. It started the sort of mantra "people are people think of the doctrine". It is just wearing on me now that I am a mother myself. I stay at home, but I am just sick of this illusion one must create of perfection. I wish I could be authentic, say what I think, and not feel like I would be ostracized. None of these women would ever like the real me, what I really think. I think being a home maker is great, but I miss work so very much, I miss adult interaction. I hate feeling like a failure when my 3 year old *gasps* has a tantrum. I just have visiting teachers over, and they were going on and on about how at their house they don't do this, and so and so lets her children take scissors to church, oh the horror. It is sickening these conversations, I would rather spork my ear out then listen to them go on and on. This is the culture I am in, this I l::heart:: sewing, cooking, my kids are perfect, I read scriptures to them, I am going to take pictures of everything and post it on my blog so you can see how cute/creative/perfect I am. So I try not to let that get in the way, be as I might, but it does. It makes me want space, and in turn I have not really been going to church. I try to read scriptures to find out for myself if it is true, but they don't speak to me. When I pray I feel as though I am talking to myself, I have always felt that way. When I think about polygamy, it embarrasses me, it makes me feel angry. I see Waren Jepps, and it just is gross and wrong. I feel the same way about our Church history, the only way I can see me getting past it is by not thinking about it, or just figuring it was a mistake. I feel so trapped in this church, and I am not happy with it. I feel like I would be happier if I were not LDS, it feels like a huge weight would be lifted of me. I feel like I can't leave, I just can't. My husband told me too bad, he wont let me not be a member. He said just to hold on like I am doing. My in law, oh goodness if I were not a member that would not bode well for me or my family. I guess I am in this thing, and that stuck feeling, that hardness will not let up. With that annoyance and anger I am going to get no where, how will I ever feel the spirit to know if it is true. So I try to have a better attitude, think of all the good and wonderful things, but it is like shutting off a part of your brain that doesn't want to shut off. A part of your mind that just tells it can't be right, this can't be right. I believe in God and Jesus, I don't feel close to them at all, but I think they are there, I hope they are. I am not sure this is the true church. I am not sure what I think about anything. This is so long sorry, I just had to get it off my chest, so somebody, anybody. If you read this, thanks. If you have ever been in this struggle I would love to hear from you. If you haven't but you have something to say I would love to hear from you as well. I talked to my mom about it, and she told me her life is so much better since leaving the church, it just makes all of this all the harder.