Gel182

I have gotten rid of journals that I truly regret getting rid of...sure they had some embarrassing things, but time added perspective. In the case of past journals documenting sexual past experiences with other partners...I can't imagine at any point regretting not having that in my life or hoping that my spouse wanted to keep them around. Sorry, that's not healthy now, 30 years from now, or even after I'm dead. The lessons learned from repenting of sexual sin have their own imprint on your memory and I can't imagine that I need them written down in detail to remember them, learn from them, or heaven forbid, keep them for posterity. I'm sure the great-grandkids will want to read all about that.

I wouldn't want that journal around. If my parents had something like that, I'd never want to know any of those details, nor would I want to leave the same history for my children to stumble upon in the future. Why not leave something positive around for your posterity to read like a patriarchal blessing or a journal about your courtship and marriage rather than a running history of sexual experiences, partners, and church discipline? I'm pretty sure that's not what President Benson meant when he talked about keeping a journal. Sorry, I'd just be uncomfortable with that, but it's just my opinion.

I found a counselor within the church. The reason behind this was mainly because they would understand my background and why it was an issue in the first place. For the most part I've found that if you talk to someone outside of the church, they'll wonder what all the hoopla is about and tell you to just get over it. A member will at least understand that you've been taught a certain way throughout your life and this makes reconciling this issue a little more complicated than stating that you should simply forget. I readily admit that I still struggle, badly at times, but things have gotten much better. It's easy to quickly fall into those obsessive thoughts but that's because they're painful and there are daily reminders, whether it's through teaching your kids, teaching principles of the church, TV, etc. All those things can tend to trigger thoughts - it's getting those under control and a counselor will help. As for meds, I took Lexapro...which I would never take alone again. Then it was combined with Wellbutrin with much better results. It seemed to turn off my bad routine of thinking. The only problem is that when you have no lows, you also have no highs. After a while I just wanted to experience both but with the ability to control my thoughts better. It's still an up and down battle that's pretty embarrassing to admit in all honesty and it's not something that you readily find someone else to discuss this with. Every single thing you've said is exactly something I've thought but have not necessarily expressed it. I could go into more detail, but it's probably too much information for this site and I don't want to freak everybody out. You can PM me or something if you want to talk - it's nice to know that there's someone dealing with similar crap at times.

Just know that you're not the only one dealing with this. My situation is nearly identical - 4 kids, 12 years of marriage, wonderful life, haunted by my wife's past with 2 previous partners. My wife is amazing and nobody would ever guess that I struggle with this so badly, but as so many people have mentioned...you need to get help. I know I've forgiven my wife, she's been forgiven, heck...I've even forgiven the other guys. That doesn't ever take the dagger out of your heart when certain things are mentioned in church, television, or life in general, and that's where you need help. I made the mistake of trying to work this out on my own for years. It caused me to struggle with my testimony, and yes, even suicidal thoughts. These thoughts eventually become obsessive and that's where professional help and possible medication are needed. It can put your mind in the right place to allow the Spirit to do its work and let the Atonement heal you too. Again, it's easier said than done - I still struggle from time to time. What's all the more difficult are the answers from people that don't understand where you're coming from. In the church, especially, you're taught to abstain from sexual intimacy before marriage - period. What happens when you do just that but reap the repurcussions of your beloved spouse's poor decisions? That's where I struggled. I ended up with an STD about 5 months after we were married (it takes that long to show up) and it was obvious what was going on because I'd never broken the Law of Chastity. It broke my heart and still does. I have physical scars to combine with mental, emotional, and spritual. Get professional help - it'll be OK. If she's stuck it out (like my wife) while you've struggled so badly, then she loves you and will help you through this.

I have a daughter with autism, although she is much younger than your brother (she's 4). I definetly understand how difficult it can be to have an autistic child/sibling at Church. In fact, Church can be a rather stressful three hours for us depending upon how she acts. In any event, I agree with previous posters that the situation can be explained to the Bob family and I'm sure they'll understand. Most people in our ward are familiar with my family's situation and I'm sure that those who are not wonder why our daughter is so poorly behaved - I don't blame them for thinking that because I've done the same thing before we had our daughter! Autistic people pick up on much more than we give them credit for - so I believe that he should go and participate in Church. However, I'd definitely keep him away from the pulpit, even taking him outside, if necessary. Sometimes I spend Church outside, but for the short time my daughter sits still and behaves, it's worth it. Also, the advise to "pick your battles" is exactly right with autism.

I wished I could have come up with a better title for my first post, but "Hi" will have to do, I guess. This is a nice forum and I've enjoyed reading the posts. I'm a lifelong member of the Church - always active, and still am - but having gone through a difficult period as of late, I've enjoyed reading the strenthening stories and advice from this forum. It's nice to get different people's persepective on things. thanks