I appreciate the chance to get some objective input here - I'm wondering if anyone is experiencing the same thing....
I love my wife dearly - we've raised 3 wonderful children, are both now in our late 50's living at home with our oldest son as we look to put away enough money for some sort of retirement. We are both professionals - I work from home - my wife is a public employee.
My oldest son is 26, served a very honorable mission, lived independently for a while and started 2 different careers before recognizing he disliked the direction his path was taking and returned home to go back to school. This was 2 1/2 years ago.
My wife and I didn't live 35 years together in this marriage without learning commitment. We've had many ups and downs, but always managed to work through the low points, rejoice in the high points and have ended stronger for all of our experiences. Until now.
We've hit a roadblock that seems to have shut down our ability to communicate on the same page. It's an emotionally charged issue: our son.
When "Bill" came back home to live with us, it was with the understanding that it was to assist in getting through his education. So far, he's done extremely well on that score - now getting ready to transfer away to a 4 year school.
At the time he returned home to go to school, I discussed with him the difference between living in our house as a "child" as opposed to living with us essentially as a "room mate." This was based on less-than-optimum results we had experienced during his high school years. I even went so far as to write down the important issues to which he signed on.
He said he would be unable to take on a job because he wanted to focus on his GPA and studies. His mom agreed - I did not. One of the issues Bill had in high school was too much online internet gaming, hours on end, which decimated his GPA and required him to redo quite a bit of his high school work in Junior college. He has a car (for which we co-signed while he was working) and insurance payment, which I felt was his responsibility to take care of. So far he's been using grant money for those obligations, not exactly as I envisioned for him, but it covers his payments, tuition and books. Mostly.
Bottom line, although he started out OK, within a few months he regressed into living like he was still a teen-ager. The room is a demolition zone, World of Warcraft is on the computer 5 hours a day or more, he's not employed even part time - we are paying for his gas, dates with his girlfriend, other expenses, etc., with a bank card that his mother gave him. Every time I try to discuss these issues with my son, my wife intervenes and says she can't live with "all the discord." She's fully vested in our kids, and her maternal instincts have always been dead-on when they were little, but I feel it's doing him no favor at this point in his life. Attempts to discuss this alone with my wife invariably end with "Why do you hate him so much?"
That cuts me to the quick. I love my son dearly, but also feel a responsibility to see that he stands on his own as much as possible and learns to honor his commitments.
(Example: He did take a summer sales job last year. Instead of saving the money for car payments, or school expenses, or money for dates, etc., he spent it all on sports equipment.... my wife's credit card purchased his books the next semester.)
I'm proud of his academic accomplishments, but not of his progress from child to adult. I struggle to keep my cool when he asks "when's dinner?" each day. (I do much of the cooking since I'm home most of the day..) Now, as it turns out, instead of going away for the last 2 years of his undergraduate work, he's looking to stay at home to save the costs.
I realize it's mostly a problem of communication between my wife and myself - but so far the topic always ends badly when approached - accusations, blame, etc. etc.
We need to diffuse the emotion somehow, and get on the same page for all of our sakes.... especially in light of the fact we might end up extending this situation for another two years....
