tomdozier

WOW, that is a horrible situation in that home. I would communicate this to the bishop. If the father is a temple recommend holder... well, my opinion is that he shouldn't be! I think some sort of intervention is needed. Especially with the father being an active "faithful" member of the church, something needs to be done, because the way the kids feel about their father is the way they will feel about the father's values (i.e. the gospel and the church). There is really a great book by Glenn Latham called "Christlike Parenting". My guess is that the father would never read it, and if he did, he wouldn't believe it. The LDS Family Services program called, "Strengthening Families" speaks specifically to the point of using force in the home, so that may be a better reference. tomdozier, behaviorist and LDS Parent Coach

When it comes to using the internet, children should be taught by their parents how to use it appropraitely. They should be taught what the family standards are (and these will vary with age). Bro/Dr. Glenn I. Latham once said that the following was not allowed: Anything that - Profanes diety - Glorifies violence - Trivializes sex These were against his family values. I agree. By the say, it is unreasonable for children, who are by nature immature, to use something like internet maturely and wisely, when unsupervised and secluded in their room. TVs and computer screens should be in full view. Tom Dozier, behaviorist and LDS Parent Coach

I am a behavior scientist and parenting coach. There is a large body of research that shows that the most effective way to eliminate inappropriate behavior (something you would spank the child for), is to build appropriate behavior (essentially the opposite of the bad behavior) through positive reinforcement. The problem is that it is a learned skill to do this, especially when you are faced with significant problems. There are several problems with spanking - It does not motivate a child to do good behavior. It just makes them reluctant to do the bad behavior (but not all the time). - The emotional upheaval from the spanking can be so exciting that it serves as positive reinforcement for the bad behavior. If you are spanking a child for something, and he continues to do it, then you are probably reinforcing the bad behavior. - After a while, spanking (and other harsh methods of correction) cause the child to countercoerce you (try to get even). So you can spank a child for not doing his homework, and he may cause a fight at school and get expelled, just to get back at you. This is quite predictable, especially as teenagers. - Spanking damages the relationship, and reduces your positive influence with the child. - the child learns by parents example that hitting is what you do when you are mad, upset, or when a person will not do what you want him to do. - (in general) children respond to their parents the way the parent responds to the child. A parent who is harsh (spanking, yelling, etc), will tend to get the same treatment from their child. One big problem is that people often say to not spank, but don't give you something to do instead. I teach parents these skills. Set up properly, you can teach what is expected, and have some immediate positive reward (play a game, get a treat, etc). There is skill to this, to make sure you get the results you want. When it comes to children, your attention to behavior is almost guaranteed to give you more of the behavior. The quality factors for attention are: closeness (distance to child), touch, number of words, length of time, intensity of emotion (happy or angry). This means that you need to put a lot more time and energy into what the kids are doing right, instead of what they are doing wrong. I run the LDS Parent Coach website, and work with parents regularly by phone to help them eliminate behavior problems. In fact, I guarantee these parenting skills work, and work fast. Short term results are the key. Parents can not put up with lots of bad behavior with the hope that things will get better. The key is to choose the top one or 2 problems and make plans to eliminate them by teaching and rewarding the desired behavior. It really works! Spanking doesn't give you the results you want, but neither does letting kids do whatever they want to do. The times have changed drastically over the past 2 generations, and parents really need skills to be successful today. Tom Dozier, behaviorist and LDS parenting coach. "Helping parents succeed with their most important calling."