jay720

I am about 6 months ahead of you on this roller coaster. I went to visit my mother last may for Mother's day and I took my son. It was my wife's idea. While I was there, my wife told me that she wanted me to stay there and she needed space... I have four children and three of them were at home. My take on this was, if my wife wants to leave "the family" that was fine but it was her leaving us, not me leaving them. I flew home immediately just to find a male family friend living at my house. I reasserted my love for my wife and even though she was P***d that I came home things were okay for a time, a month later I came home one day and she had left, but she left the children. I thought that I was going to die at first, I would have panic attacks and times when I would forget that she left me only to remember or wake up in the morning and feel horrible. I realized eventually that I did not want to have my wife back, early in our marriage she committed adultery and I forgave her, however this time when she did the same thing, I couldn't do it. I still miss her, but I think that I miss "someone" in my life. I know it is a cliche but "you will feel better in time". As others have said, use this time to develop your personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Pay attention to little details, set up a scripture reading schedule, fast weekly, force yourself to serve others somehow. Acknowledge to yourself that you are somewhat the "walking wounded" and give yourself permission to feel hurt and sad and mad and any other feelings. Take it easy on your self. Realize that the end of a marriage takes two. If your wife really does not want to continue the marriage there is not much you can or should do. You can not convince her nor should you try. IMHO Talk to other male friends who are sympathetic to you and try some guys nights out. God bless you.

Thank you all for your kind words, I am truly grateful. I have even shown them to my children and they are also much relieved that our feelings are not out of line. We, in the church, are indoctrinated to trust the bishop and to follow his counsel. I must say that I have rarely found myself at odds with the local leaders and it is so very uncomfortable. Apart of me says, just trust in the process and everything will work out, but everything else inside screams to protect my children. Thank you again for your vindicating thoughts

I asked this question once to my Stake President and his response (somewhat tongue in cheek, which I think is also allowed) was "anything that doesn't spook the cattle"

Thank you for your kind words. I have spoken to our attorney and he says my Son is under no obligation to speak to the police. The detective wanted my daughter and I to come down to discuss this and on advice I retained another lawyer for my daughter who told her to say nothing. My daughter is humiliated and embarrassed, she wants to go to couselling, she admits that she was willing and she does not want to pursue this at all. Both children were older than 14 when this happened although the Bishop is positive that it happened earlier, which would make it statutory rape in Canada. How do I encourage the repentance process when the Bishop indicates that if my Son does not come clean to the police that it shows a unrepentant attitude. Does it? Isn't there a separation of church and state? Must I allow my Son to incriminate himself, to satisfy the church. What a dichotomy. Is it wrong to use the laws of the land to protect a minor from having his whole life ruined because of some stupid mistakes?

I was extremely disheartened today and looking for some help. How grateful I am that I found LDS.net and this forum. I am a member of the church and have been for 30 years. I was married in the temple and was married for 28 years until last year when my wife decided that the church, family and I were not what she wanted. She has since began living a life style unrecognizable to her children or myself. We are going to be divorced as she has broken her temple covenants. Sadly this is not the only hardship my family is facing. I have four wonderful children. Three boys and a girl. They are all in their teens from 14-17 this year. My wife has left us now for about a year and last month, I received a call that the Bishop wanted to see me, my wife, my oldest Son and my daughter. My wife and I are not speaking to each other at the moment so I called the Bishop to see if a meeting was absolutely necessary or could the objective be completed in separate meetings. (Our bishop is brand-spanking new and not particularly compassionate). He told me no and that more details could be had by asking my son. I spoke to my Son who broke down and told me that he and his sister had been experimenting sexually with each other. He had confessed to the Bishop. The next day I spoke to the Bishop and he informed me that he would be advising the police and children services that this had taken place. He told me that what my son had done was horrific and that if it were his son he would have trouble keeping his hands off him. Of course I was in shock! I swallowed hard, said a prayer and then called my wife. She came over and we discussed this with all four of us. What we discovered was that yes there was some sexual experimenting going on. Yes, it was mutual and reciprocal and no my daughter was pregnant. I then learned that unbeknown to be or my wife this Bishop had invited my teenage daughter (15) to his office for a private interview. He grilled her regarding the confession her brother had made and asked her several explicit questions, all without a parent present. As a family we are devastated, however I honestly believe that the Bishop had discretion whether to call the authorities; when to bring me into the conversation; and when to inform my son that remarks made by him were not confidential any longer. The Bishop continues to call my children asking for more interviews, however I have put my foot down saying that if there is no confidentiality then they should say nothing. Don't get me wrong, I want this handled properly, I would have appreciated the opportunity to deal with this as a family and I will say it quite clearly that my children did commit a sin however it should not be construed or misconstrued as a crime. I don't condone it. The both are going to counseling (not at LDS Family Services) and I don't want the Bishop to be gathering further evidence for the police. I have always been a strong member. I believe in the church but I also believe in the family as it's first institution. The problem I now have (as if there is just one) is simple. How can I protect my children's legal rights and at the same time not stymie the repentance process. How can I or my children trust the Bishop now? The Bishop has stated several times he expects that the punishment should be "severe" and "significant". He as taken to showing up at my door unannounced and he has asked our friends at church personal questions about us. I know that as parents we often allow the Bishop to talk to our children in interviews for different reasons, but do I have the right to be in an interview now? I am in deep pain at what I see as a violation of my children's rights and a very aggressive bishop (who works with children for a living) who as time passes sees newer and newer faults that our family has. Help