caspiancanwait

i've stopped everything last night. this next week is going to be complete hell, i already feel like death. this is good though, i need to stop. it's absolutely killing me; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. i just hope that now i'm clean that i'm able to start the relationship with heavenly father. i just hope im strong enough, and don't fall back into it.

thank you all for the responses..it seems like the only way I can find out for myself is through prayer. It's just that I don't know if I can do it at this point to be honest. One of the things I remember from the missionary talks was that they were always asking me to pray about what we talked about. I couldn't do it; I've never trusted the power of prayer. When I prayed as a child, it was to help relieve what was happening at home. That didn't change anything, and that sent me further into a dark and lonely place. Why would God not answer the prayers of a young child? I understand that he couldn't quite change the situation like I wanted, because it would undermine Christ's atonement and our agency (my friend shared the book "The Infinite Atonement" with me, and I've read quite a bit of it already), but the fact that I didn't see ANYTHING from this prayer made my situation even worse. The damage from this feels unrepairable to me. I know it seems selfish, because I know all of these things like how Christ went through every imaginable pain for me, and understands what I went through, but there's just something in my mind that won't accept it. I want to change that way of thinking, even though it seems like I don't, I REALLY do. I just don't know how to gain that trust in prayer, when I have never seen it work, for me at least.

what does the spirit mean to you? how do you feel when the spirit is present, and how do you know that it is coming from God? little background, I'm 20, was raised catholic and went to a catholic school up until junior high. I had a pretty rough childhood, father was an alcoholic and chose to not treat me right. I use to believe in God, and my church, but lost everything because of things going on at home. I felt ashamed, disgusted, betrayed, and alone. It's not that I didn't believe in God anymore, I just felt I was detached from his love and protection. I have grown to be a very introverted person, keeping all of this in for my entire life. I started to drink and smoke pot in 9th grade to help numb any type of emotion or memory, and have since grown a strong addiction to alcohol and various drugs. I've never been able to be close to anyone, be it friends or family. I don't know how to be in any type of relationship, it's too hard for me to trust anyone. In the past year or so I've turned to a friend that I have known for a couple years. She's LDS, and is the only person I have ever trusted enough to tell anything about my past to. She is so sweet and caring; and is just a genuinely good person. She is the reason I felt it was possible to retrieve my faith in God. She invited me to start going to church with her, and I did. The very first time I went was a fast sunday, and the first thing she said was that she hoped it didn't freak me out. (I have since been to a couple of these, and I know that the same 2 or 3 people feel like they MUST bear their testimony every chance they can, I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about). Well, I wasn't freaked out. I listened carefully to each person bearing their testimony, and longed to feel the connection that they felt. Along with going to church, I also started to meet with the missionaries at my friend's house. The meetings were VERY awkward, and they often asked questions that I couldn't answer. I felt like meeting with them wasn't helping me out one bit, so I stopped. Since then I have not been the person I want to be. I am constantly flooded with emotions and memories from my past, I don't know how to deal with it other then alcohol and drugs. I have contacted my friend through e-mail explaining that I'm still trying to find my faith, but she doesn't know about my use. I'm too ashamed to tell her, I don't want her to feel like I'm not trying with this, because I'm doing my best. I've just never felt any relief other then this crap, even if it is only for a couple hours at a time. She has urged me to read the Book of Mormon, and says that she is confident that if I feel the spirit I can see a change in my life. She's also stated the importance of prayer, something I know nothing about. I prayed as a child, but I eventually stopped because I've never seen any use. ok wow, that was a lot longer than I thought it would be, I'm sorry for those who have gotten this far. it's just a lot easier to share with people you don't know I guess. but my question still stands, what is it like to feel God's spirit? I feel that if I knew what it was, and actually FELT it, that it could change my life. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up without any change.