I am new to this site but after looking around at the many threads and posts I feel safe but still a little leary but that I can ask this question and recieve some help and sugestions.
I have been a member all my life and grew up in a smallish town with LOTS of LDS people. At 19 I was married in the temple to a RM, a good guy from a good family.
We moved to a big city but it still seemed small in the world of being LDS. After 2 1/2 years of marriage we ended up in councelling and after just a few sessions I decided that I wanted out of the marriage. We drove home that night and didn't say a word, infact I only talked to him one time after that, and that was just when I picked up my things from our house when I moved in with a girlfriend.
Fast forward 13 years and I am now married to a wonderful man (we just celebrated our 10yr anniversary) and have 4 beautiful children. He is an amazing, loving man. I am very happy and couldn't ask for anything more in life. We are active in the church, and hold TR.
Every once in a while I will hear something about my ex or his wife or family. I have several friends who are in the same stake and are friends of freinds. I bumped into him about a year ago and then again just a few weeks ago at the mall. These are the only times that I have seen him since we split.
I have had some thoughts that have started to run through my head. I wonder what my life would be like if we were still together? Would we be happy? Or would I be in a loveless marriage because I didn't have the guts to get out when I could have? Should I have left? Should I have tried harder? Why didn't he "fight" for me? "Could I have done something more or different so we would still be together?" "Maybe I should have done this . . ." " What if we didn't do this. . . ?" I have guilt that I didn't try harder to keep things together. I have regrets about breaking a temple marriage. I hate the fact that I caused any pain for him, for me, and even for our extended families. I have lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings. The practical side of my head says that I am being silly and that I should just get over this, but for some reason I still have these thoughts all these years later. I went more than 10 years without having any of these thoughts or feelings.
I want to make it very clear that I am not leaving my current family and that my ex and I have NO contact except for the couple of times that we have ran into each other at the mall. I have talked to my husband about my feelings, he understands and is very supportive.
Here is the question:
How do I get over these feelings? How do I deal with the guilt I feel? And what do I do with the "What if" "Should have" "Could have" and "Would have's"? It has been over 13 years since we split and I know that there is nothing that I can do to change anything in the past. I have this conflict in my head, the logical side and this feeling side. How do I get over this?
Thank you for your support and suggestions.
