redtide

Side subject. What are some effective ways of "gospel study" with your spouse? Reading alternate sections of text bore me. I find myself reading ahead because I can read about 10x faster than my spouse . . . really. She's wonderfully brilliant, but I can just read really fast. Is there a thread where this is discussed?

It's in the mail! (That and another one someone suggested.)

Okay . . . last post and then back to work. I know that I am regressing. I was moving on, I felt the Spirit in my life again, I felt overwhelming love for my wife. I saw her as my bride. I was SOOO happy. Unfortunately, my past acts in reaching out to this other girl so hurt my wife that she is mightily struggling to overcome it. That introduces contention into the house that is driving me away. If I were more humble, and patient, I would just let these things roll of my back. I wouldn't care how many people she told. (At one point, I didn't. When I mentioned that to the SP, he corrected me and told me that we should keep this between us and to NOT tell the world. I told my wife that, but she refuses to accept it. She says that was HIS advice to me, not to her. And that she can't stand the man because he could not be of God and not have disciplined me or at least release me.*) I wouldn't care about her false accusations. I would just smile, and be nice back. I think that I could have done all of that, had I not known that the only reason she married me was because she believes that God commanded her to. I have to be candid. If I had not been attracted to my wife, I would never have even ASKED God whether to marry her. I would never have dated her, likely. My emotional affair with this other woman wasn't because I was not attracted to my wife. I am. Sure, I had withdrawn and was tired of the arguments. But still, I know that I was in the wrong. My wife was always beautiful. But this knowledge that she never saw me in that light, other than God told her to? I wish that I had never known. *I really did asked to be disciplined and released. I love my calling, but it's a TON of work. I have another 4-5 years in the calling, and it will mean a LOT of future sacrifice as well. I would LOVE to be a Primary teacher, or Sunday School. Just give me a simple calling that I can devote my time to. I REALLY could care less about "glory" or something of a so-called "high" calling. Really.

I believe it is important. The prayer is off and on. I've never been a fan of group study of scriptures, even though we do it as a family. I HATED reading the scriptures out loud with my companion while on a mission. (I can study/learn a lot more while feasting alone as opposed to waiting for another person to read out loud.) We have never been great at gospel study together as a couple. That is a skill that I have to learn how to enjoy. Prayer has not been offered the last few days because I find it hard to feel the Spirit when around her. This morning, I ended up leaving before family scripture study began (only my wife and oldest got up for it, the younger kids were fighting my attempts to rouse them). Why? The "discussion" from the morning was carrying on in the run up to scriptures, and, frankly, I felt like a hypocrite to kneel down and pray with my wife when contention is all around. I know. The answer is to get down on your knees and pray until you FEEL like praying. But this morning was not that time. I needed to get away and find some peace, so the morning commute did that for me. Pretty sad when a morning commute in traffic is more peaceful than some time alone with your spouse . . .

While she physically attacks me, it's on rare occasion. I don't feel threatened by it, because I am stronger than her. The things most disconcerting about the whole deal are: * that the kids see it, * that she has expressed reasons for marriage that are now gone in her sight, so I wonder why stay together with someone you aren't even attracted to or you consider a poor provider. We spoke briefly this morning. It was not "pleasant" but we communicated. We will be seeing the bishop this afternoon, but I really think that it is out of the Church's hands at this point. The deal is between me and my wife. Sure, counseling gives a third-party perspective, but IF she believes what she has told me then I really don't know how to get over that. This morning she wanted to know why I had backed off, when before I had been so pleasant as she was struggling to get over my own emotional infidelity (her rightful sense of betrayal by me of her love). I told her two reasons: (i) she is not open with me about her contacts, and in talking about my betrayal of her to many friends, and (ii) she has told me that the only reason she married me was because she believed I would earn the 6 figure salary in perpetuity, and once we left the big salary her dreams were dashed, coupled with her never being attracted to me. She clarified that the REASON she married me was because the Lord told her to. While that should cheer me up, it really doesn't. I just feel like I've been living for 20 years with a woman who was sacrificing her wants/needs/desires to do the will of the Lord, as opposed to marrying the treasure of her heart. That is the hardest thing to get over for me. On the former, maybe it's a sense of the lack of humility on my part (probably is) to object to her telling so many of her friends about what I had done to her. I understand the need to share with a few others, to seek emotional support. But the other part of me (natural man part) is frustrated that she trumpets my bad acts to "everyone." I don't do the same to her. No one knows of many of the things that she has done to me. I would never tell my mom, because I don't want to create a stumbling block between my wife and my mom. I don't tell my friends, because I don't want them to think bad of my wife. But maybe I should just let go and let her do as she wants. Just so not sure. This morning she also told me that she recognized it was wrong for her to go digging into the past, but that she couldn't help herself. My response is that's why I stopped it by closing her access to the accounts. She wants me to just delete things from the past, so she can just see the present/future. That'd be wonderful, and at one point we did just that together. But apparently I did not get them all, and who knows what digging can find. Really, the open access has to mean that she sees only today and the future, and she stop searching archives. Anywho . . . I will advise after our meeting with the bishop. I don't expect much from that meeting, though. I really think that the solution is open communication and a decision on going forward by each of us. Thanks for the thoughts. Um, last question. I mentioned that I was seeking advice from an LDS forum that dealt with these issues, mainly as that forum favored staying together and I was trying to understand how to do that and why that would be right in the face of the knowledge I now have of my wife's reason for marriage to me. She was fairly upset, and I'm worried that she will seek out forums and find this. If she does, she'd certainly know this is our situation. Should I just delete to avoid an "online" confrontation?

Probably a story like half a million others. About us: We've been married for 20 years (temple). We have 5 kids from 2 years to 18 years. We both love our kids and would do anything for them. We always have FHE, family scripture study, family prayer, family events . . . everything. For most of our marriage, things have been good, but . . . The marriage problems: My wife and I have constantly fought over petty things. I know it takes two, but she has often erupted with physical violence in her anger. I hate fighting about everything (seems that way), and then for a period of time things will all be back to normal. Then, something will happen and more fights. It's tiring. It's old. She claims that I am the only one whom she fights with. So let's assume we're both at fault. But it seems to be only between the two. Everyone else loves us, individually and as a couple. Go figure. In the past, we went through a period in which we had no intimacy for about 18 months. Neither one of us wanted to be with the other. It was pretty much emotional divorce. At that time, we each agreed that we would never leave for the kids. Me: 3 months ago I started helping a past friend from high school in a divorce situation. In trying to SAVE her marriage, I became emotional attached. For about six weeks, she and I engaged in an intense emotional affair (though nothing physical). I knew it was wrong, but was trying to figure out how I could have both. Obviously, you can't. I met this girl face-to-face, and she wanted me to "stay" and leave my family. I didn't. I went back to my wife, wife saw an email about the issue, and she erupted at me. I told my wife everything. My wife then spent the next 72 hours going through every email between me and this other girl to know EVERYTHING that we had discussed. Obviously that's hurtful to a loved one (to the wife). I probably should have stopped it (bishop and SP said I should have), but I didn't. I opened EVERYTHING to my wife. Response: We spoke to the bishop. He said he couldn't do anything as per the church and would send to SP. I also have a fairly important calling in the stake, so there were two issues. My wife was livid. She wanted church discipline - anything. I asked the bishop for some form of discipline, but he said he couldn't. With SP, he listened and opined this was between me and my wife. He couldn't do anything. I asked for a form of punishment, saying my wife would be livid without it. SP refused, saying that the Church doesn't mete out punishments and that what I had done was between me and my wife but nothing for formal discipline. I asked to be released, but SP refused. He strongly advised that we keep this close (just between husband/wife) and move on as we were both dedicated to marriage. Wife found out and claimed "good old boy" network. Bishop removed my temple recommend for 3 months, and I'm hoping that will make my wife happy. Well, it didn't. Now: I have been completely open with my wife about everything, albeit without dredging up details. I can't explain it, but something just "switched" with me. I have ZERO desire towards this other woman (I've never had issues with anyone else). My heart has so changed that I want to do anything to bless the life of my wife. She can't understand that. She says she needs time (and I understand that). Now my wife continues to go through old accounts. She brings up details and accuses me of lying or holding back. Sometimes, I just don't remember something. She doesn't buy that. Then she accuses me of hatching a plan to go to this girl in one year, and that I'm just pretending. I'm not. She will see an e-mail with the first letter of the other woman's name and accuse me of receiving email from the other woman. She demands to know whether I'm contacting the other woman, almost daily. I have not had any contact with the other woman since I first told my wife. Finally, I believed that her constant research of my cell phone and email accounts was causing more problems than not. I changed all the passwords and refused her access. I told her why. She was livid. She physically attacked me and I held her down. I let her know that if she touched me again I would begin filing police reports and would pursue it. I had enough. She wants full access again (probably I should give it to her, I know), but it seems that she uses that access to just make unfounded accusations. The next day, we had a phone conversation and she shared with me that she had never found me attractive (okay, I'm not Wolverine but I do pretty well, I think!), that she was only with me for the kids, and that she married me for money. Once we changed jobs from the BIG firm to a more relaxed job, that money went away (about 6 years ago) and we live a more simple life (while having everything that we want, really). We just don't have the latest toys and cars, but acreage and horses while living in paradise (and she LOVES her house and her community) is hardly something to sneer at. So now what? Part of me is just ready to part. I don't want to stay married to a person just for kids. I'm sorry, but I'd figure out a way to help the kids while solo. But also, the things that she has said have so hurt me that I really wonder why we are together. The reasons that she married me are gone, and she finds me unattractive? Maybe that's just "hatred" or tinted glasses, but she's made enough suggestions through our marriage regarding men she finds attractive that I'm now connecting the dots. (Has nothing to do with looks, but all about body type - she likes offensive linemen and I'm a small receiver.) I don't know if I can ever look at her the same again. Now that I am having doubts, she's saying that I'm walking the line of anyone who commits infidelity (emotional, for me) in that I blame her. See, my brother has advised me that if she doesn't change and get counseling for her long-time physical abuse and anger issues, that I should leave FOR the benefit of the kids. My wife has been on depression drugs for about 8 years, and that helped the anger issues big time. She recently went off the drugs, and maybe that was the cause of the latest blow up. In any event, I read the posts here and they make me WANT to stay with her no matter what and cherish her. But, . . . Thoughts?