DesertGoddess

I personally don't feel that he has done anything to warrant me leaving him. He's never laid a hand on me. He's not drinking or doing pornography, I am 100 percent sure of this. He's just angry and depressed. He kicked a door in during an argument. I'm not making excuses for him. I realize that his actions are not always kind, and obviously I am frustrated or I wouldn't have posted here. While I appreciate the advice above, and I know it was from the heart, it's not a dangerous situation. Most days he is just quiet, tired, and acts upset. He does not call me abusive names, he is never mean to our children. I don't think anything is at the point where I need to flee. He also told me that he would hurt himself before he ever hurt me physically. Not healthy, but at least he communicated that to me. He is depressed, I completely agree with the other posters who have been kind enough to share their personal experiences. He told me yesterday that he feels like what he's doing isn't working, and he needs a change. I talked to him about medication in a nonchalant kind of way, and he said that doesn't "fix" the problem it just masks it. I do agree, but I think medication is a great tool to use if you are willing to heal your self inwardly through therapy, reading and applying a book, or whatever you choose. Unfortunately he will not do either. He needs a different job, full stop. A commission only basis in this economy is just not cutting it. He feels like a failure, as a man, as a provider. We don't have enough right now, and that is really beating down on him. Do I think that he could be happy despite all of this? Absolutely. Do I think if he got a priesthood blessing and got more involved in church he would feel better? Absolutely. He hasn't paid our tithing this year, and he isn't able to attend much church because of work. That is where the change took place in him the most. Yes he seemed a bit sadder and different after he had to leave his child behind upon moving to the states, but it was never this intense. His depression definitely deepened upon losing a good job, and getting this one. He is in the process of looking for a really good job, since he now has a masters. Time will tell. But I'm not ready to give up or leave yet. Because I know how wonderful my husband is when he isn't stressed like this. And we had 2.5 years together where we were blissfully happy and doing what was right in the gospel as a couple. If he was a depressed and abusive person at heart, it definitely would have showed when I was living on my own in a whole other country with him, alone, away from my family for 2 years. Any suggestions or encouragement is still very appreciated. I would like to support my husband through this process of making some huge life changes, and finding happiness again. While I know ultimately he has to make the internal change..... I still know that as an eternal partner, my marriage is still save able. Thank you.

Thanks Everyone. I will clarify a few things. We don't have family around. At all. His family lives in Europe. Mine live 10 hours away, and it's not an ideal situation where I could go stay with my parents for a while. He will not get medication. He will not see a counselor. He will not talk to our bishop. He doesn't hate the church. He just says he hates church members. He says his job has shown him that people are pretty much worth nothing, and he has no desire to make friends, or even be involved socially with the church. He works most sundays, so he says that since he can't keep the sabbath day anyways, and sundays pretty much don't apply. I confronted him this morning about going, out, and he told me to stop micromanaging him and trying to control his every move. He called me "Holier than thou." I have talked to him. Many times. So much that I think it's starting to push him away from me. I don't blame myself for his distancing, but I think that I'm not helping his self esteem right now. I think he needs medication for sure. 200 percent. I've told him several times that he seems like he suffers from anxiety. He doesn't sleep well. He tosses and turns. I have tried being intimate with him more often. All it does is leave me feeling empty, and he is right back to his moodiness the next day. He says he fought for his first marriage for so many years, and he has no fight in him, he will not fight for our relationship. He also does not agree with separation, he says if he goes, he goes, because he's already been through this before. I know I probably sound like a broken record. But I don't know whether to ignore his short comings as far as the commandments goes, and his spiritual weaknesses. He told me today that it's a process. I told him it frustrates me because he obviously is aware of his behavior and choices, and he said he is, but he pretty much just doesn't feel like changing right now. I feel so lost. I was so hopeful that when he finished school he would be nicer. But he's still just as miserable, or finds anything to be upset and angry with. I can't even stand to drive in the car with him because all he does is nit pick every person on the road. Or in public he says something bad about every person he sees. I don't live my life that way. I try to focus on what I can control, and not what I can't and I put all my energy into my family and the people who matter. That's why it is breaking my heart that my husband is so unhappy no matter how hard I try. All I do is because of righteous desires. I don't want to be holier than thou, as he put it. I just want a righteous latter day saint home. I don't believe in picking and choosing what commandments or guidelines we follow. Neither does he. He's an all or nothing kind of guy, he always has been, and since he works most sundays, I just seem to see the nothing part, as far as the gospel is concerned.

I'll try to make this short. I've been married to my husband for a little over 4 years. We were both married before. Me for just under a year (my ex became abusive). He was married for 5 years and has a child with his ex wife. His child lives in Europe, and his ex wife pretty much uses their child as emotional black mail. I lived over in Europe with him for 2 years before we moved to the U.S. together. (I'm American). He is a member, and was a strong one. He was Elder's Quorum president before we moved to the states 3 years ago. We NEVER FOUGHT. He was very sweet, and mindful of my feelings. We were best friends, and he adored me. When we moved to the states, he had to leave his child behind. We thought things would sort themselves out, that he could fly his ex wife and their child out for visits, and all would be well. But he hasn't seen his child since we moved 3 years ago. His ex wife has severe emotional problems, including bipolar disorder, and she is crazy (seen and heard it with my own eyes, it's not just hearsay.) It seems like he's been going down hill ever since we moved to the U.S. He just changed. A lot. Like he's bitter and angry, he swears constantly. He has a horrible job where he works long hours on a commission only basis. He just finished a masters degree. He is right now as we speak out with friends on a sunday watching a foot ball game at a local restaurant. I don't even know what to do. We have two young children. He isn't interested in me anymore. He says nothing excites him. He said that he hates church members, and the only reason he's a member of the church is because he knows it's true (He converted at the age of 18). We had a huge fight a few weeks ago. He kicked our bedroom door in. I had put my older child (2.5 years old) to play in another bedroom with a fan on, so they didn't hear anything, because I could tell an argument was going to escalate. My younger one was asleep and is 3 months old. Things got bad. I told him that I couldn't stand it anymore. He's been making excuses to me for 3 years that he will be nicer and happier once he finishes school. Now he's still just as angry now that he's done, and he says if he gets a good job that he can like himself for, that he will be happy. But it seems like he now makes up his own rules as far as following the commandments is concerned. He's just so bitter and angry. I find myself so drained because he's never here (he's always working), but when he is home, I'm more upset and annoyed because he so negative, and he isn't interested in nourishing our relationship at all. He just sits on the computer and surfs or watches movies. If I ask him to spend time with me, he either says no or he makes it out like it's a big deal. He still wants me to be all spicy in the bedroom, but because he is never flirtatious with me, or seems excited or interested in me any other time, I just straight up don't want to be intimate with him in that way. Like, I feel like it's only for him, and helping me nourish my spirit everyday and feel loved in other ways is not important. I want a good LDS home, one where my kids don't see parents on two very different spiritual pages, and feel conflict. I'm just so heart broken, because I do love him, and I'm so frustrated because I know what he was like in our first two years of courting/marriage, and he pretty much has given up on everything. Anyway, this is turning into a book. But the day he kicked the door in, I told him I just can't do this anymore. He said he will leave, and never come back, and he won't ever see me or the kids again, because he just can't deal with the heart break of losing his family again, and it's easier for him to just disappear. I don't get it. We ended up working things out, but I still feel completely unfulfilled. All I do is pray for him, keep his name in the temple, and try to lead by example. I decided to start finding happiness in being a mother and stop looking for it in my marriage right now. I still have hope in the back of my mind that he will change back into the man I married. But he's overwhelmed with unhappiness because of his job. Has anyone been through this and made it through and gotten their loving spouse back? Has anyone been the spouse in despair, and had their spouse help them through it? There's so much more to the story, so much more I could say, but it would take all day for me to type it. He won't go to counseling with me. My bishop knows everything, and is supporting me the best he can, but he can't do much else other than listen to me, because my husband won't confide in anyone else I should probably add that moving back to Europe isn't an option, he wants to stay in the states. I know he feels guilt every day over the lack of relationship with his son. Also the custody laws are very different where his son lives, it always favors the mother, and we cannot afford a lawyer to get more custody with his son. Internationally the custody issue is just a night mare.

Ha ha. Thanx everyone. I just keep telling myself that she is "saved" because she is so mentally gone. One day we will be able to sit down with my step son and explain why we weren't allowed in his life. My husband has also created an email address in my step sons name where he forwards all the crazy and terrible emails that his ex (my step son's mom) sends us. When she tells us that she will not allow us to speak to him, etc, we forward those. That way he will see one day how much we tried. My husband also writes little emails and thoughts for my stepson hoping that one day he will read them and know how much he/we love him.

Thought I would introduce myself. I have been happily married to my eternal companion for a little over 3 years now. We live in sunny AZ. We have a daughter who is almost 18 months old. Both my husband and I have been through previous divorces, I was only married 10 months before my ex decided that pornography and verbal abuse was okay. I am a stronger woman because of it and hope to help others with my story. My sweet husband was married for 6 years and has a 6 year old son. His ex is very unstable and her mood swings are all over the place. My husband is a U.K. citizen so that is where is ex and son live, and the outdated custody laws, along with his ex wife's constant road blocks, will not allow us to gain much access to my step-son. I am in a constant cycle of forgiveness, because his ex wife is constantly making up terrible lies about us and saying very hurtful things, and then taking them back and being nice for short periods of time. It is a constant roller coaster on her end. It hurts, but I know that every thing happens for a reason, and Heavenly Father does not give us challenges in our lives that we cannot over come. This situation has taught me that praying for people who persecute you, use you, hate you, bear all manner of false witness against you...... really does comfort and calm the soul. Prayer is my only defense in this situation. I am a musician, I play guitar, piano, and I am a vocalist. I compose my own music and I also enjoy covering other songs in my own 'unplugged' style. I am a very happy and positive person. I enjoy tae bo, pilates, swimming, and walking out doors in all kinds of weather. I'm glad I found this site. It seems like a wonderful way to support others who might be struggling or looking for answers and guidance. I believe that Heavenly Father answers prayers through the people around us many times in our life, so hopefully I can be there for someone.