nanochron

Thank you for all your comments. I need to leave right now and it will be a few days before I can get back to the board. Hopefully I will have time to make some comments later. I'm happy this board is hear to talk.

I think the main reasons for non belief in god are two: 1. Personal agency and God's omniscience. If God knows everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen with 100% certainty then there is no choice for us for it has already been decided. Not necessarily that God decided it but since he knows with 100% certainty what will happen, then I or anybody else cannot change it. It is set. I know people will say (like I have answered to myself in the past) It is not that you don't have a choice to do other things but that God knows you so well he knows what choice you will make. Like I know that my wife will not chose to eat a food she detests. But my mind is not seeing it that way now. 2. Answers to prayers. I don't feel like I get answers to prayers. And it doesn't make sense that people can get contrary answers to prayers. These are the two main things that made me start doubting. After that I started questioning various things I read in church history and statements made by general authorities. This has been hard for me to hear myself think thoughts like what Elder X is saying doesn't make sense or what Joseph Smith said if told to me now days I would think he is a scam artist.

Thank you for the comments. Vanhin at this point I don't think it would be helpful to debate the god question but if others think it might help me I can. In discussions I do but when I pray secretly I don't. That has been one of my toughest things. When I pray I feel like I'm talking to myself. I alluded to but didn't end up stating in my original post, the one other time in my life I questioned (but only for a moment) was in the MTC. The teacher asked if everyone had prayed to know if the book of Mormon was true. I told him I had prayed but I didn't have the answer to prayer. He told me to take a day or two to pray about it. I did and when he followed up I started to say I didn't have an answer but saw the look on his face and I quickly changed the wording to say yes and I moved on not thinking too much about it after that. I guess it has stuck with me all these years and that may have got me doubting later in life. The main thing is that I feel the spirit at church or when someone is telling me or a group around me spiritual experiences. That includes when other people who talk about spiritual experiences they have but that are not LDS. Right now just my bishop, the stake presidency and my wife know. Family and ward activities will be hard when we are to go to the temple and I'm not there. --edited to include answers to Misshalfway -- The "logic" side of me isn't believeing in Satan or life after death. That there is no spirit. Though that is what makes me want to cry sometimes. Since multiple people are asking about why the non belief in God I will give an answer in another post to this thread.

I need to talk to someone about this in a more neutral environment. I am a life long member. My family is a good family. We had FHE weekly. My parents went to the temple weekly. I graduated from Seminary only missing maybe 5 days in four years of seminary. I went to church college. I served a mission. I got married in the temple to a woman I love. I have children. Served in stake positions such as High Council. I attend church weekly even when on vacation (usually but not always). I love the church. I love the members. I love the gospel. I am temple worthy (more on this in a moment). (the above is not to toot my horn but to provide background) In all this (with the exception of one time which I will explain in a moment) I thought or I do (dilemma) have a testimony. Over the past years, my logical mind (I will call it that because I'm not sure how else to define it) has come to the conclusion that there is no god and thus by extension do not believe the church is true. This scares me. I don't not want to believe in God. I don't not want to believe in the Book of Mormon or Joseph Smith. I don't not want to believe that President Monson is a prophet of God. Over the past few years though these feelings come into my head and I don't know what to do. After years of struggling I made a mistake and hurt my wife. I started trying caffeinated (i know that isn't necessariy a big deal but I've grown up with out such things) drinks, R Rated movies, and coffee. One day when out with my wife I talked her into taking a drink (this was insanely dumb-I'm not sure why she did it accept she trusts/ed me). Of course after the fact I needed to tell her why. If anything I should have told her first. So I told my wife that I no longer believed in God (this may have been a mistake). At first she was extreamly angry (I don't blame her) and for a night or two there wan't much sleeping and lots of (lets say) discussion. It seemed I may loose her and if her I would lose my family. Finally I told her that I did not want to loser her and that there is a testimony left, that I do believe. With her help I had myself released from my (not to put it in a worldly terms) substantial calling with the Bishop's full knowledge of the above. At times she still will suddenly get upset and teary eyed and talk about her desire for an eternal marriage (which I want as well). I tell her that I still believe but the doubts are still there. Soon my Temple Recommend will expire and I don't know how to proceed. Like I said, I don't not want to be a member. I don't not want to have a temple recommend. I want an eternal marriage. But these doubts keep entering my head. I pray here and there but I don't feel anything there, like I'm talking to myself. This has been one of the biggest parts of my doubts. I "feel the spirit" when at church when talking about people's stories of faith. When at church or talking to people I think how can I deny this when I feel these things. But these feelings of "logical" thought and my doubts continue to return--strongly. I really don't know what to do. I felt like I needed to talk with people in a place like this. Any thought, comments, questions would be appreciated. Thank you.