I have a big problem and I can't figure it out. I don't think I got an answer yet and I'm going crazy. This is not like me to be out loud, but this is just bursting inside me. Somebody tell me what to do or what is wrong with me. Maybe I need psychological help.
It all started almost five months ago. I'm a single mother of three....every once in a while I'd be at my ex-husbands house dropping of the kids, picking up the kids, doing something with the kids. I ran into my ex's missionaries a few times...(missionaries never meant much to me, I respected them, but didn't give them a second glance or too much attention, I know my bad, they were just too young and unavailable so why even bother), it never really sparked much attention, they were just doing their job and I just happened to show up when they were around. I didn't meet up with them that often anyway.
One night I had a dream, just like another dream I had had about being in love with a man that to my knowledge doesn't exist. When I'd wake up I'd just brush it off as something my mind put together out of depression, loneliness. One particular time I had that dream, the man I dreamt of resembled one the missionaries I met, and I saw his face plain as day. When I woke up I just brushed it off as an awkward dream and didn't give it a second thought. One night when I was stopping by to pick up the kids, the missionaries showed up at the same time. I didn't think anything of it. As I walked towards this certain missionary, I felt something I never had before. I'd seen him before, talked with him before and had no problem, but now all the sudden I'm really nervous around him and kind of flirty with out even noticing, all my attention was on him, I listened intently to everything he said, then when he left, I was heartbroken. I actually cried. I spent that night just trying to figure out what just went on there. I'm still not sure. As the days went on, I couldn't help, but think of him more and more, and I tried to get it out of my head, face reality, why would I be so obsessed over someone 6 years younger than me? I don't even like younger guys. He didn't quite fit the criteria on my mental list of things I would expect about a guy. And he's a missionary, what's wrong with me? Have I finally gone loco? Anyway, it just got worse everyday. When I'd see him again, I'd be all excited to see him, but then I'd be all nervous like that kid on South Park that thru up every time he saw the girl he liked, that's how I felt around him.
I had never really SEEN him before that night, if you know what I mean. I started going to his ward just to see him again. I actually tried to look nice just for him. Maybe that was a little much, but I feel like I can't even control what I do around him. I've never been so crazy about anyone in all my life, never thought that these feelings I have exsisted. After some part of my brain woke up and discovered him, for the first time in my life I understand why people really want to get married in the temple. I wouldn't have seen that if I hadn't of met him, just like I wouldn't have noticed him if I didn't have that dream.
My ex told him I had a mad crush on him, trying to embarrass me, but I was happy he did. I wanted him to notice me, know that I liked him, maybe he would remember me when he went home. But then, he got moved and I didn't see him anymore. My ex said maybe it was my fault, but I never considered myself that important. By the way, I hounded my ex for any information I could get about HIM. All I had was his last name, where he was from, and when he goes home. I've been counting the days, and it's been almost four months since I last saw him. My heart hurts and I am in agony. Every single night since November 21st I haven't been able to sleep with out him in my head and every morning when I wake up he is there still in my head. I feel like I am being haunted or cursed. The pain used to be so much I'd scream at night, but it's become numb and I just cry. I knew I had to get on with my life regardless these feelings I had, it seems so unreal to me. So around the time he moved somewhere else, I moved somewhere else, out of the same city. His home is so far away, and he wouldn't want an old, used chic like me. I know I needed to just let this go, but I started a new job, and things are working out for me, still he's in my head night and day. I don't know what else to do. I've written a notebook and a half about him, so I can remember him, that he was real. I have a picture of him on my phone that I hunted down. I have a picture of him with me and my kids in a frame and I keep it close to me. Those pieces I have to remember him are among my most prized possession. I think about throwing them away, hoping it will let me loose from this curse I've been plagued with, but my heart won't let me. I know that would kill me if I got rid of those. Recently, my son told me his first name, which he found out from another missionary in his dad's ward. That name echos in my head all day and all night. I can hear it in my head when I'm still sleeping. Supposedly he's off his mission this week. I don't know how to feel. I'm anxious, but what can I do? Before I even had any of these feelings for him, I gave him my # for my kids' sake. It's now that I hope he remembers it. All those things that mattered to me on my list of mental criteria is blank now. I feel like my whole world has changed, that I see things differently. I pay more attention to missionaries and am more empathetic towards them, which I haven't been before.
So, I know this is a lot to read, but if you survived, help me out here. I'm lost, I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't understand. I thought I had my head on pretty good, now I feel stupid. I want to be free of this pain in my chest and go on with my life like before, but I don't know how. Sometimes I think maybe it would have been better if I never would have met him. I feel like I'm one of those crazy chicks on those obsessed tv shows.
