I have been married for 17 years and we have 4 children between 8-16 yrs old. My marriage has been my biggest trial of my life. My husband claims to love me with all his heart but he has hurt me deeply. I know now that I did not love my husband when we got married. I basically was in need of beingd so much that I logically decided that I "should" love this person and that noone else would love me the way he does. So we married. Right before we did I almost changed my mind. I had doubts and oh how I wish I had listened to them! Sex has been difficult from day 1. He wanted it badly and all the time, I didn't want it at all and it was emotionally painful for me. Why wouldn't it be? I didn't love him! I have forced myself to have sex with him for the last 17 years though not near as much as he would have liked. I have felt extreme guilt for not loving him, for not being what he needs/wants for a very long time.
Pornography has been a problem of his since he was a teenager, and continued throughout our marriage. I'd find it, he would lie, then admit, apologize, do it again... you know the drill. He has done some horrible things to me. He took pictures/recorded me on 4 or more ocassions under the sheets without my permission. He would take pictures of me while I was in the shower, through the doorhole (the knob was missing for a while), from outside the window. The worst of it for me, is that one night when I had taken some Xanax (to see what effect it would have on my mood, ability to relax and be happy (NOT Sexually!) he did things to me that I would never have allowed had I not been "under the influence". He has cheated on me with 4-5 women. Oral sex with 3 of them.
I have not been perfect, I myself have been unfaithful to him with 4 men, however the extent of what we did was MUCH MUCH less... but it was in no doubt sexual. Trust me, it was much less. He is now totally repentant and sorry and doing everything he can to be perfect father/husband. He is making me feel horrible about not wanting to do this anymore!
I want to leave, I want to give myself the opportunity to be happy, to be able to love someone who will love me and not hurt me. I CANNOT have sex with him again! It disgusts me. I have cried too many times over the last 17 years trying to, I have to disconnect from the whole thing, look away... anything to not be there. I will not ever have sex with someone that I am not completely in love with and willing to give myself to.
While I think there is plenty of "justification" to leave, I can't feel good about it! Logically, I think things will be fine and my kids will be fine, and I will be happy eventually, but how can anyone say that Heavenly Father would ever be ok with me breaking up the sealing of my family?! I feel so selfish! Does Heavenly Father really want me to be miserable forever?!? I cannot be happy with this man?
How many people, knowing the situation of what I have had to put up with would seriously recommend that I stay and endure these feelings any longer... even if he never does it again?! Do I have to be miserable so my children can simply have an intact family? I want to be happy.
