alecia

Hi Brooke, thank you for your advice and suggestions. I really appreciate it :) I can tell you now we certainly have the love and friendship there if I want to "sweep this under the carpet" and forget about it. What I mean is, I could let this go, forget about it and we could have a great marriage... but for how long? His idea is to just 'move on'. Make this move to this new city in a couple of weeks, be closer to family and move on from this situation. But for me, it's not as easy as that. I want to see changes, and you're right, I can't (and won't) force him to change. He needs to do that on his own. He needs to make the decision for himself to get his life on the right path or carry on down this self destructive path that he's on. He says he wants to make changes, but needs my help. But i feel that he's putting a burden on my shoulders and relying on ME to help him change... and that's something that no-one else can do for a person. He needs to do it on his own. But for me, I cannot carry on in a marriage where there have been so many lies and so much deceit - especially when he can still 'make light of what he's done' and when he's not truly regretful or repentant. When I see that he's like that, it makes it a lot harder to even try and forgive him, and shows me that he's not really wanting to change at all. As someone said above "by his fruits, ye shall know him". I truly believe we were meant for each other. I have no doubt in my mind there. We had a great marriage, I supported and loved him 150%. Oh for sure, I wasn't perfect, no-one is, but even he has told me that he wouldn't change a thing about me, that as a wife and Mum, he couldn't have asked for better. I appreciate him telling me that too... it means he does realise how much I have done for him. Look, maybe I did too much, maybe he was too secure, I'm not sure. All I know is that when all this happened he said to me that he was in such a bad space, such a dark place and just didn't care about life at all. I guess that was the start of the destructive path.... He hid those feelings so well too, although, I thought he was suffering from depression - so much so that because he wouldn't go see a Dr, I bought him some natural antidepressants. I honestly thought that was the problem. little did i know it was the guilt and the wanting someone else!! Grrr... makes me mad to even think about it. But yeah, I finally know that he didn't do all this because of what I did/didn't do/say ... and because I have been a good wife, that's the reason for the guilt and the shame and the moods... it's almost like he hated me for a while there. But as my friend pointed out - it's not me he hates, it's himself. And I tend to agree with that. At the end of the day, I have done my absolute best for this marriage.... I kept it together for the past year - and that's when the lies started. Maybe i should have walked out then. But I have given him chance after chance. So that is why I believe that the best thing I can do for him now is to walk away. He needs to make the choice himself of whether he is going to change or not. At first, when all this came out, I was an emotional wreck and did similar things as to what you mentioned above... I would cry, beg, it was horrible. I hated the desperate way I was acting... but acknowledged it was because my heart had broken. But now... I'm nothing like that. I'm far stronger, I know what I need to do if this is to ever have a chance - and that is to let him go. He doesn't want to, he wants to fix this - but he's making no effort to do so.... as you can see from my previous posts. I am in a far better emotional place now.... my business is just starting to do soooo well, and I believe that is a huge blessing in these circumstances. I know that Heavenly Father is looking over me :) i will be okay, it won't be easy, but i know i will get through just fine xox

YES!!! He so does. Which to be honest, it upsets me, because how could he possibly think that I want any of this right now? ... I wish he would take me seriously... it's almost insulting! I'm not sure how to actually achieve this.... I don't know how to make him see that I am serious and want him out. Oh well, we make the big move next weekend.... and have told him that he needs to find somewhere else to stay from then. And that I want a legal separation. I wish he could just respect me enough to respect my wishes. Maybe that's the problem.... he has no respect for my thoughts or feelings. Thank you all for helping me through this.... coming here each day to read messages from you guys and being able to reply, it's such a massive help and my burden feels slightly lifted. xxoo

Hi Ryan, I'm not scared to be single. I guess, like many others, when I married this guy and then when we got sealed in the Temple, it was forever. I never expected anything like this ever to happen.... it has totally thrown me... totally. When all this first came to light earlier in the year, it was hell for me. To be honest, it was so unexpected, that there were times I thought I wouldn't even survive. It's only due to one of my very best friends that I got through it. But now... it's 6 months later, I found out 3 weeks ago that he's still been chasing her - even though she is most definitely not interested - and I'm just over it. Mostly I am over the lies and deceit. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He seems to just play games with me.... and I don't buy into it anymore. I have never seen any serious regret. In fact, he's never shed a tear over this whole situation. Until I see that he understands exactly what he put me through, then I need to shut the door on this - not lock it, just shut it. He needs to sort himself out without me being there to do it for him. I guess my point is, after all of this drama, I'd rather be on my own. Well, I would LOVE him to sort himself out and make the changes he needs to. But I can see he won't do that with me.... so I need to get out of this. But yeah, there's only so much I can take. I think I held it together for so long and was trying to be forgiving because our sealing means the world to me. But... it obviously doesn't to him. But yes, as for what he said bout not finding anyone in the church - well, the way he thinks is that if any guy is single in the church, they are either a missionary who has just come back, or an older guy who's wife has passed on. So I think that's why he thinks like that. Maybe he was just trying to scare me.... but what he doesn't realise, is that after all that he has put me through... my focus is solely on doing the right thing and getting back to church. A new male is the LAST thing on my mind. I guess it's not the nicest thought to have though that for the rest of my days I would be single! lol

He did say to me that he "wants my help to fix this" (meaning our marriage), I guess, I'm just not inspired to while he continues to play these.... what I can only call, games. Exactly, i think I need to see that he is first truly willing to change.... like Morningstar said - he needs a serious wake up call. I said to him last night that I am serious about a legal separation and he needs to find somewhere else to stay when we move ... his reply: he just chuckled. He honestly thinks that I still want him.... sheesh, makes me think that for the past 10 years I have been tooooo devoted! He is so absolutely secure, that he thinks I can't live without him and that all of this can be swept under the carpet! The only credit I will give him is that he never 'physically' cheated - as in, he didn't have sex with her. Yes he kissed her and that (argh!) and cuddled... but I know for a fact he didn't sleep with her. I think this is why he makes light of it - he even went so far the other day as to say that he didn't cheat on me. Sorry, but kissing and cuddling another woman is not what I consider loyalty!!!!!!! I also found out that while he was out playing one night last year (he was in a band), he stayed behind one night and snogged one of the bar girls!!!!!! I was pretty devastated to hear that. He said she asked him to go home with her, but obviously he declined and came home to me. He says I should be glad that he didn't take her up on that offer - and that every time he played a gig he had 'options' cos lots of girls hit on him... but he never took any of them up on it (oh, until the one earlier this year). Oh gee, he deserves a medal doesn't he! *sarcasm* Ah yes, "by his fruits, ye shall know him". That is exactly true. I need to see changes, cos I'm tired and drained of hearing that he WILL change.... time I saw it I think. My friend said to me yesterday "he's just a great actor - he really should enter that industry, he'd do well". I tend to think that may be true. It saddens me to think that I got it so completely wrong with this guy.... I swear to you that I thought the last thing I EVER had to worry about with my husband was loyalty....

Thank you so much for sharing.... I will definitely read that right now. I am interested to see the requirements he asked of you. The hard thing with my marriage is that, i can see part of him wants to go to church, keep the family together etc, but I can see the rebellious part that wants nothing to do with the church. The way I see it, is, if we can both get back to church with the goal of going back to the Temple, then this could possibly work..... but if none of that happens ... and we don't return to church as a family, then I doubt very much this will work. One thing he said to me last night that greatly bothered me - and maybe someone can clarify this for me: when he asked me what I would do if we separated, I said that either way I am going back to church, and if this didn't work with us then I would one day (long in the future!) find a guy that has the morals and values that I have, that is a good strong member of the church. He then said to me that will never happen. I asked well why not. His reply was "for you to meet any guy in the church, he would have to be either a young missionary or a old man who's wife has died"....!! So he said i'm pretty much destined for a life with no-one if this ends and I choose the church path (which I'm going to anyway - even if I am alone). But yeah... just wondered if that actually is the case. (I'm not old by the way! lol I'm 35... )

Thank you for the thought.... it's an interesting scenario. I'm not sure if it would be or not, might be worth looking into though. I personally think a lot of his problem is PRIDE, EGO and just generally SELFISH. I think that covers a lot of his actions and words. It has also been mentioned by a close friend who knows the situation that he could be bipolar. Again, I don't know about this. I still seem to think it comes under the above 3 problems - PRIDE, EGO and SELFISHNESS. But I could be wrong...

Thank you for your words, I appreciate it and I think that you are probably right. It's been really hard times and I have particularly found that while he still remains in this home, I can't forget about everything. I even find I bring the subject up (everything that's happened) even though I want to stop talking about it - let alone thinking about it! In my eyes, I think he doesn't realise that I am seriously over this. For example, the other day he just said to me "oh we both know that I'm going to stay when I move, you don't want to lose me". I mean, after all he has said and done... he still thinks I want him?!!! That's insane! The other thing is that he will always bring this other girl's name up and make light of something about what happened e.g how I found out, or how she was forwarding me his texts while he was texting her and me at the same time... and he'll actually think it's funny. He honestly doesn't seem to realise the hurt he has put on me. So yes, today I have said to him the moment i'm out of here, and in the new place, he is going to have to find somewhere to stay and that I want a legal separation. He just said "one thing at a time ok". I don't think i'm going to be able to 'move on' myself until he has moved out. I think I need that space. Thank you for sharing your opinion on that book, I appreciate it :)

Thank you all for your input... it's been so helpful. It's taken me a little while to reply because things have been like a roller coaster here. Just on Sunday he was saying how he says that this girl is beautiful and I am beautiful but he's in love with me, not her. (but then again, he was saying that to HER... and in my mind, he's only saying it to me now because she gave him that boot after she found out that he was lying to her about being separated! And now she has found herself a boyfriend by the looks, so he knows he has no 'opportunity' there, if you know what I mean. Basically I believe, and he hasn't denied this - that if she was interested in him, he would still be in touch with her) Anyways, then on Monday, he wrote on my Facebook status something rather inappropriate - I mean, he was trying to be funny I guess, but it was degrading to me, especially as he is my husband and after what has so recently happened. It just wasn't funny. My friend even sent me a PM and asked what the hell is wrong, has he gone completely mad and am I ok. So I got pretty annoyed at him and just said to him "look, just yesterday you're wanting to fix this, and now today you're writing degrading things on my status, it's like you don't care or don't want to fix it"... he just muttered "who'd want to". I think he felt quite embarrassed about what he had written - because no-one was particularly impressed and he deleted it. To put it in a nutshell - he's the kind of guy that will act first, think later, speak first, then think (or regret) later. He's even said to me that he will say things, nasty things, just to upset me, that he KNOWS is nasty and will hurt me - and even at the time he will think to himself 'why the heck am I doing this'... he said that he doesn't know how to stop that - even though he is saying things that are not true. Just an example, after I found out about this girl and it all came out in the open and she had forwarded all his emails etc, he got REALLY angry. He said to me: "I will never forgive you for this, she's a really nice girl and you completely ruined it for me". That stunned me to my core and is when I wondered where I had gone wrong.... I was so shocked. HE WAS MARRIED!! Anyway, he did say to me not too long ago that when he said that, he was just in a bad space, knew it would hurt me.... but couldn't stop himself. My thoughts? I think he meant it. I think he was truly mad with me cos he really wanted her Anyways, I have said my sincere prayers about this every day. I need Heavenly Father's strength right now, I am feeling stronger too. I'm not weak or pathetically desperate anymore - when this all first happened, I was. But I'm pretty independent now, I have my own business and funnily enough it has just started booming - I honestly believe that is a blessing to help me with the big move coming up :) I'm so grateful for it. I can't wait to be closer to family too, and to get back to church. Thank you all so much for your support - I have tried PMing a couple of people, but it keeps going back to the login page whenever I try! Grrr... so that's why no-one's received a PM. But trust me when I say this, it's really helped... knowing that there are strangers that don't even know me, but are willing to take the time to write down some advice or nice thoughts.... that truly means a lot to me. Thank you so much. @CREO - your words are amazing, you know that is exactly what I need - day by day, and then to hopefully make a good friend in the church. Thank you so much for your nice words and thoughts - I think the idea of a blessing would benefit me greatly! And to write things down.... perfect! I love writing, and haven't done so for so long. It definitely helps clear the 'noise'. Thank you xox @rameumptom - I think you are totally correct. I think that a trial separation is a great idea - because so far all he has done is lie and make false promises. There is zero trust. I didn't want to go down this track, I really wanted everything to be "ok"... but in reality it can't be. If I say "sure hun, I'll forget about it like you want me to", then that's just brushing it under the carpet. I personally think that he has a LOT of issues to sort out himself. So maybe that would be a good time for him to do it. He has always had a problem with going to church and sticking with it. In relation to the "knock and the door will be answered" quote... well he says he gets to the "door", knocks, but then turns round and runs. So he does have a lot of issues with the church... he did do a mission though (didn't complete it). I would love to see him stick with it.... that is my hope for him. But yes, I think it's time I let him deal with it on his own instead of being there 24/7. (I have been told that I have done far too much for him... that he's like a spoiled child and always gets his own way. I'm not sure about that.. but yes I have always been 110% loyal, loving and supportive - because I believe that's what marriage is about). Thank you again xo

Thank you so much for your kind words, and yes it's all pain and confusion. The confusing part is that one minute I'm like, yes, if he's finally willing to put in the effort, then I should too. Then the next minute, I feel like, hang on, after all the hurt, lies and pain, I should be ditching him and letting him suffer. I guess that means that I haven't forgiven him.... sometimes I think I have. But maybe, I haven't. I don't know... if it still hurts, does that mean I haven't forgiven him? Yes, I believe I have. HOWEVER, now there is hope of saving it - because he has said to me that he is in love with me and wants my help to fix this. He has even agreed to get some counseling to help. SO... if I really want to save it, this is my chance. But I have NO idea how to let go of this hurt I feel every time I look at him When I read what you wrote here.... I felt something. Not sure what, but I just KNOW without a doubt that you are soooo right!!!! Thank you.... I feel inspired! I thank everyone for their input.... it's a very hard and confusing time. I know that no-one here can tell me what to do, I don't expect that of course.... I'm not sure, I guess I just thought this might help me clear my head. I have the chance to save my marriage - but need to let go of the hurt and try and forgive. Not only that, but I'm also VERY wary that he could just be saying what I want to hear.... after all, people seem to want what they can't have - and I have told him that I have had it with him.. all his lies and deceit. Has he truly learned his lesson, or is this just simply a way to save himself from being lonely and losing his family?! Hmmm

Thank you for your suggestions.... they are really good... I might try these. I know I should go back to church, and I will do that I think. We are moving to another city in 2 weeks... closer to family, so that will be where we settle with the kids and I shall go. It feels like it's the right thing to do.

I understand what you're saying, but no, she's definitely the honest one. She forwarded all emails and texts that he sent etc. It's all been confirmed that she's definitely not lying. The last time she texted (a few weeks ago) she had just had enough of him contacting her, as she has found someone else. But my husband has since admitted that yes he has done wrong. Thank you for your thoughts, I know that communication is key, and I'm really trying. I have always been a big communicator - he usually shuts down. But i know he's trying. Just today he said to me that he is in love with me, but when all that happened, he was in a really bad space. He said he's willing to get help to fix this... whatever it takes. Which is good - and if he had been like this 6 months ago, we would be fine. But, for me, after 6 months of constant lies, one minute believing we are ok, the next finding out that he's obviously obsessed with her or something... well, it's taken it's toll on me and I don't even know how I feel about him anymore.

I wasn't sure what section to post in, as I kinda need advice on both marriage and general. Obviously it would take a long time to inform you of the full story, so short story is this. I met my husband 10 years ago (he was a member of the church already), I ended up joining the church, we got sealed in the Temple, then after probably only going there a couple of times... for some reason we fell away. That was a long time ago. Have since had 2 kiddies who are now 5 and 6 and a reasonably happy marriage. I have always had a strong desire to go back to church but my husband is rather... errr.. (for lack of a better word)... rebellious and just feels like he doesn't "fit in" there. So... consequently we have never gone back. Perhaps I should have done so on my own... Anyways, the past year has been pure hell for me. My husband "cheated" on me (ok, not physically, but texts/emails/visiting her.. hopping into bed with her fully clothed etc - you get the picture). It devastated me. She found out he was never leaving me (as he had told her) and she then said she wants nothing to do with him. A lot of drama went down. A lot of hurtful words that he said to me. A lot of pain. Physical and emotional. He then said he would never ever contact her again.... I gave him a second chance. I then found out he had texted her again saying he missed her. She ignored it. I tried to end it but he begged for one more chance. I gave it. Finally, 3 weeks ago she then contacted me again saying that could I please delete her number from his phone as she doesn't want to hear from him and he has been texting her for weeks again (saying things like "I feel like the whole universe is telling me you and I should be together..." etc). That was the final straw for me. I was again so disappointed/disgusted/angry/sad .... I had truly believed he had stopped. It has been lie after lie with him. He has never once told me the truth about all of this... I have had to either find out myself or rely on this woman to tell me. It's been terrible! If he had owned up to all this without me finding out on my own first... even that would have been slightly better. But he only owned up and admitted it when I had him backed into a corner cos I knew the truth already. Now... he wants to fix this. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. He says he wants to want to go to church... and even says he will. I have no idea what to do. I have been saying my first prayers in a long time, and because I feel so far from Heavenly Father, I don't know what is right to do. I don't know whether to stay in this marriage and "fix it" or even if it CAN be "fixed". I hold a lot of hurt... a lot. He knows that and has said he's sorry. But things like that are easy to say. I guess my question is... has anyone been through anything like this? I feel that I have given this marriage MORE than enough chances... I have been 150% loving, loyal and supportive. I never gave up on him.... ever. But now... I feel that it's time for ME. I am so lost here and have no idea what to do. Sorry this is so long.