RalphTheMouth

Members
  • Content Count

    28
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Posts posted by RalphTheMouth


  1. I assume the visits will be for a week or a long weekend -- something like that? Do you really honestly believe that you will fall in lover in 3 days' time?

    I don't believe I'll fall in love, but I want to feel free to BEGIN to fall in love. I've never been in a situation where I didn't feel free to take a relationship to wherever it was headed. That's mostly because I've only dating one girl at a time. Now I feel stuck; like I can't just let things happen. I really hate being stuck, so I guess want I was hoping was to figure out how to "jump the gun", skip the months of getting to know them before I end up with one of them. I guess that's just part of the game of love, eh?

    I don't have an opinion one way or the other on telling or not telling the girls, but you should consider that they will each be paying quite a bit of money to fly to wherever you are.

    Of course, I want to be completely honest with them and make sure the expectations are clear.

    Thank you for your thoughts on this subject. :)


  2. Also some wise words of advise. This online dating can sure be fun isn't it. All the stimulation coming at you from all directions. It's a great way to meet/date many people in a short period of time. If you end up really in love with one of these girls I recommend you both take turns visiting each other. Take you time. Simple writing/talking on the phone isn't enough. It's only the beginning. The one thing with online dating is you get a false notion you know someone when you really don't. Take time knowing her face to face when you can. As it get's more serious meet each others friends and family members. Time will be your greatest friend in this type of dating situation.

    Distance doesn't matter if you are really meant for each other. You can make that part work easily. You do however have to take the time to really get to know each other... the good as well as the bad. She's not always going to be in her best light, neither will you.

    Thanks for the wise words, I think I was jumping the gun and expecting because we talk a lot that there were certain expectations like when face to face dating. Turns out I was wrong and we're not as serious as I thought. However, we are as Gwen said, "Friends with Potential".

    Again, thanks for the advice.


  3. How far away do these women live? If they have plans to spend a lot of money to come see you, I think you have an obligation to tell them you have several interests and don't feel you can make such a big decision before you have met someone in person. They might feel more serious about you than you do about them.

    Yes, of course, I won't allow them to spend money to come see me until they understand we're still getting to know each other and I'm dating other gals. Before either of them comes to see me I'll make sure it's clear where we stand. I haven't said yes to either of them coming yet because I want to be sure we're serious enough to invest the amount of time and money it'll take to get to the next level in our relationship.

    If I were one of the women, I would want to know. I was in a situation where a guy was choosing between me and a friend. I made the decision for them. I wanted someone who felt so strongly about me, he wouldn't be choosing between me and someone else.

    Speaking on that, that's how I feel. I never expected to find 2 amazing women. I assumed there'd be one clear great woman that knocks me off my feet and the choice would be clear. The real problem is there are too many amazing girls out there. Who knew? :o

    I just don't know how to choose between the two. Honestly I don't want to get more serious with 2 women. I've always said I'm a one woman guy and yet here I am: Frustrated. It feels like I can't quite give all of me because I'll loose myself in that relationship and end the other one. Which would be fine if I could just decide. :mad:


  4. Ralph?! I would have been ok if I had found out that we weren't exclusive straight from you, but to find out through a post on a web board?!?! I can't really define what the difference is that ticks me off about it, but in true girly fashion, I'm insulted, hurt and will never trust men again. I'm done! Everything you ever said to me is cheapened by the fact that you were saying it to two of us at the same time. I'm taking myself out of the running. Problem solved! Get out of my virtual life! I hope you two are very happy together!

    That's fine with me, I looked at your profile and find you have a SON!! You never told me that! :mad:

    Thank you for the minor heart attack. :D


  5. It sounds as if the Holy Spirit is prompting you to get it cleaned up. It could be blocking you from moving on spiritually to the next level. Sounds like you're going through the refiners fire and being made more pure?

    My Bishop from many years ago would tell those who came to him with old sins that they already paid the price by not receiving all the blessings they could have received. They were forgiven and there was no repentance process except confession to the Bishop. Not saying this is what YOUR Bishop will say or do, but it might go something like that.

    My personal feeling is old sin or not, it still needs to be confessed.

    Just my thoughts and experience. Good luck!


  6. I am a convert and have been a member for almost 2 years now. i have had an incident with masturbation (pornography was not involved) I didn't mean for it to happen one careless stroke lead to another and it was not really due to impure thoughts ether . i feel bad about it and have done all i can to repent but not sure if I need to go to my bishop for it, i feel like i have control over it and its not an ongoing problem it just slipped. before i was a member this and pron were a problem but after found out it was wrong i put a stop to it all, and after i got baptized has never been a problem except for the incident above. I have also recently made plans with my bishop to prepare for a mission, and not sure how this will effect that.

    I feel confident it will not happen again but not sure if it is necessary to see the bishop about it.

    Great to hear you're going on a mission. It is the best spiritual college you can ever attend as a young man. I can't begin to tell you the benefits of it, your personal growth will skyrocket. It's like bootcamp for life. That's really great news, just awesome!

    As for the "incident", by church standards, yes, you need to talk to the Bishop. It is much much better to talk about it with the Bishop now, resolve it for sure and move on. You really don't want to be 2 months into your mission and have it bother you everyday. Then confess it to your Mission President and be forced to go home.

    The Bishop is a Judge in Israel, he has the right and authority to decide if it's ok or not. If he says your good, then your good. If he feels you need to repent a bit more, then do it. It's not hard, it'll take a little bit of time and then you're good. It is much better to talk about it and know for sure then have it nag at you daily until you slip up again.

    Remember that as you prepare for your mission Satan and his followers will do everything in their power to make these little slipups prevent you from going on a mission. Be vigilant and have an awesome mission!

    Good Luck on your Mission!!


  7. I'm only going on logic here because I don't have kids and I'm not married. Just going on my experiences of friends and family...

    So people wouldn't judge you if you birthed your own kids and weren't as "fit" as other parents? People will always judge and think they know better. If you don't feel prepared then get prepared.

    People judge and always have their opinions. Do what is right for you. Unless they are going to be there at 2am feeding the kid, then their option is about as useful as the wind they just passed to utter it.

    Pray about it separately and together. You'll know if it's right. Maybe some counseling to help figure out if you're ready? It sounds as if you really want to have a child, does your spouse feel the same way? If not, then it might not be a good time.

    Good luck!


  8. Yep. ;)

    People always think... When we get married, things will be different. Errrr... not really (besides the physical part, that is). If you can't be open with her now, it's not just going to magically be better once you get married.

    You're right. That didn't quite come out the way I meant it. Right now we're in the dating "put our best foot forward" phase. As we get to know each other better, we open up and start to show the wrinkles and scars more. Once we get engaged, all the barriers are down and we're as open as can be. One last good look before jumping in with both feet for eternity. Once we pass that threshold we gain the right and privilege to know everything about each other. OK, I think I still sound naive. Guess I'll have to get married to really get it. ;)

    Good friend of mine said something similar. "If you think she'll be more active when you're married, think again. Marriage doesn't make you better or fix you or the other person. You're better off marrying someone who is a strong member now because that's what they'll continue to be when you get married."

    Your reply was a good reminder. I'm so lucky I found good gospel centered, temple worthy girls. Now I just have to make sure I'm worthy of them. :D


  9. That right there.

    Ok, word of the wise....

    If you even have an inkling that one or both of them are capable of the bolded statement you said above, then I would start looking for someone else.

    If you are afraid of the drama now - just wait until you get married. That's drama X 100. There are girls who are not drama queens when it comes to other girls their guy is talking to. These are the girls who will give you the opportunity to "hang out with the guys", watch football games, play church basketball, talk to your female friends without getting their bloomers in a twist... If you can't trust the other party enough to let him/her out to pasture, then your marriage is crippled. And you might think, oh, it will be different once we're married. Oh no. Trust me on that one!

    My 2 cents. Been there, done that.

    So yeah, I say keep things truthful between all parties involved. Truthful and respectful.

    By the way... just a heads up - if I was one of the girls and it has gone that far and you never mentioned about the other girl you're talking to, I'm looking for somebody else. :) No drama, just straight up, "hey, maybe this is not working out, let's just be friends" kind of deal. I would write that in as "maybe this guy can't be trusted"... of course, if you never made it seem like I was the only one you're talking to, then I would be out of my place.... doesn't change things though, because, if we're talking everyday and she never got a mention, then you were hiding her from me (which is the case here) and that wouldn't go well in my list of "trustworthy" traits. Sorry! Just being honest!

    Good point there, if they can't trust me to "go out to pasture" now, it'll be much worse later on. I think it's better I let them know before it get's much more serious. That'll be a good test to see how they'll be later on. Very good advice. Thank you.

    I've never intentionally made it seem like they were the only one. But since I know it could potentially be an issue, that's where I feel it's a kind of "sin of omission" type of thing. If it's bothering me enough that I think I know I need to bring it up to clear the air.

    Thanks for the good feedback.


  10. I don't think you are obligated to tell each woman about the other; however, I have no doubt that if you end up choosing one of them, the other will feel betrayed because she had no idea you were talking to another woman as seriously as you're talking to her.

    You acknowledged it was easier for you when you were in that situation and knew she was also talking to another guy. Don't you owe these two women the same?

    I'd tell them both the truth. They each deserve the opportunity to choose whether to continue pursuing a relationship with you, or not, as it might not be worth the risk to one or both.

    Elphaba

    To be honest, at this time, I don't feel I owe it to them to tell them. I do owe it to them before we start talking about when exactly to come over. I'm sure there's a good reason, but I can't quite put my finder on the logic. Either way, it just feels right to tell them before they come or I go see them.

    Thanks for the advice! :)


  11. if they are coming to visit it might be a good time (before they make final plans to come) to have the "what are we?" or the "what are your intentions?" conversation. will allow you to find out where they are and what they are thinking. also opens the door for you to let them know that you are not ready to be exclusive and do not expect them to be either. bring up that talking online and knowing someone in person are different and before you can be exclusive knowing them in person is a very important step to you.

    We've had that talk already. From what I understand, both of them just haven't found anyone else. So it's not like they picked me, I was just the only one they've found interesting enough to pursue. Lucky me. However, it also sounds like since they only found one guy, they are both putting all their eggs in one basket as it were. Both are not desperate or anything. They've made it clear that they're not going to commit until we meet either, so I think I'm in good company there.

    my husband called it "friends with potential". not exclusive, not boyfriend/girlfriend, but definitely possibility of more there. yes some may see it as kinda lame. lol but i went with it and yes i dated other ppl.

    I like that: "friends with potential". That definitely describes were we stand.

    i do think you need to be honest with them that you are not being exclusive at this point (also make sure they know you do not expect them to be. if you do expect them to be then you don't deserve either of them ;) )

    I agree, I should at least make that clear. And of course I don't expect them to be exclusive when I'm not will or able to be. One sided relationships like that are bad, bad, bad. Been there, done that. Bad, bad, bad.

    if you have any personal "rules" about online dating moving forward it would be a good time to discuss it. for example i would suggest that if you have only known someone online you should date while living in the same city for a yr or so before getting married. those kinds of "rules" need to be talked about. make sure you ask them if they have any "rules" or feelings on the issue. if they are talking about visiting then the relationship is moving forward and you need to talk about them. if it's too awkward to talk about then how are you going to discuss the more serious topics that need to be discussed before marriage (finances, goals, kids, discipline, birth control, sex, etc)? this is a good opportunity to find out how she handles difficult conversations (for her to learn that about you as well lol).

    I've been thinking about that, but I don't really have any "rules" per se. I don't think it's fair to ask a girl to move without some kind of promise of marriage. So I was thinking after I propose, then we'd figure out the moving over here part. Then we could really get to know each other before getting married and moving in together. One last long hard look while dealing with the ups and downs of daily life. I've had the difficult conversations before, so that's no trouble for me at this point. I just need to see how they react and what they want. Bottom line for me is I'm looking for the girl who's looking for me. It either works or it doesn't, no more fantasies or illusions.

    Any more suggestions for rules to think/talk about?

    Thanks for the feedback. Very helpful.


  12. I do have one question, though. While one is visiting you, how will you stay in contact with the other one? THAT may be the awkward part, unless you just tell her you will be unavailable for a week.

    I've been thinking about that too. Until I propose or we're married, I'm on my own, just as she's on her own. I expect us to respect each other enough to know we have lives beyond each other. So if I need to take a call in private I expect her to give me space. Just as I'll respect her need for space. If she can't and has to know everything I'm doing, that's a bad sign, time to move on.

    When we're married, my life becomes an open book for her. She then has the right to know anything and everything. Though not in a controlling way. At least from my unmarried perspective. I probably sound naive.

    Thanks for the advice and question. It got me to figure out an answer.


  13. The ward i go to is filled with amazing people, the only problem is that it is so unorganized! For example, our last scouting trip- We were going to camp out on the Bishops private beach, so we al met up at church to wait for the scoutmaster. He arrives and guess what he says?= " we need rides to get there". What the heck? He should have asked a week earlier and found us rides, but he didn't, and it wasn't the first time that he has done it. Also, things like church partys and extra meetings aren't ever told on time, and everyone is just totally mixed up. And worst of all, it's the only place around, and i just can't see myself going here if things never work out like they are supposed to. Honestly, i don't know what to do....

    Me too, I didn't get my eagle scout because the ward was messed up. Still makes me mad. :mad:

    If a particular activity is important to you, offer to help or help plan it out. Nothing you can do about them. You can only control you, so do all that you can to make it work. If nothing else it'll make you a better person.

    I griped for years, guess what? I got called to positions that required I be organized. It's not easy. Stuff falls through the cracks and it takes a lot of dedication and effort to make an activity happen. Even the basics like keeping Home Teachers assigned is crazy cause people keep moving in and out.

    I don't know what else to say except plan for it and be prepared. You can have fun where ever you are. Bring a book to read, surf the web on your phone, bring playing cards, etc.

    Hang in there and good luck!


  14. Got myself in a pickle. Though the wonders of online dating I've found 2 wonderful LDS girls. :D They are both strong in the gospel, temple worthy and overall good caring normal girls. They each have distinct personality features I like. I got to know them at the same time and both have grown into great relationships. They are both planning to visit soon. :eek:

    If romantic relationships have 4 phases: dating, serious, exclusive and engagement. Then we're at the dating phase. However, I talk to them daily, so we're quickly moving into the serious phase. I'm not ready to get into the exclusive phase until I've gotten to know them better and we've met in person to see if we're got the spark.

    Now if they lived here I'd know what to do and the dynamics would be different. I'd have gone out with them by now and would know which one I had more of a spark with. I'd also be in the exclusive phase by now with one of them and it'd be clear where I stand. However, the distance is tossing me a curve ball and I'm not sure what to do. :confused:

    The scary thing is that if I find the spark with the first girl to come here, I'll get closer to her and my love for her will ignite. The 2nd girl will be at a disadvantage and I'll feel like a jerk or maybe like I'm cheating by getting physical with the 2nd girl while I'm in love with the 1st. On the up side, the girl that I'm leaning toward will be coming to see me first. So if I fall in love with her, it would be wonderful. Now for the downside...

    I care for both of them and don't want to hurt or mislead them. I would hate to get serious with both of them, then cut one off. So I feel like if I tell them up front they'll know what to expect and it won't be a shock. Right now it feels like a sin of omission. I've been on both sides of knowing about another guy and not knowing. Knowing was better, I was prepared. Not knowing and then breaking up was like a kick in the stomach. :sadwalk: However, I usually didn't get to know about the other guy until I asked to get exclusive. Which was fine with me because we were just dating before.

    When should I tell them I'm talking to other girls? I think they are under the impression they are the only one I'm talking to. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one they are talking to. I could be wrong, but I'm afraid to ask directly since I'm sure they'll want me to answer the same question. So I haven't asked. I just don't want to spoil the current relationship by adding in a detractor. I don't want them to get jealous and start bugging me about the other girl. I don't want the drama. I just want to get to know them and see if there is enough there to pursue.

    Now on the other side of things, I've known girls who had two guys on the hook for months. Both were good guys, she choose one, married him and lived happily ever after. I'm just not familiar with the guys side of it.

    Most of the guys I know would either: 1) play the field, date lots of girls, maybe have a few regulars, but aren't looking to get married just yet. So it's all fun and games. 2) Look for "the one" seriously, date exclusively, marry "the one", live happily ever after.

    So I'm in a gray area and none of my mates are giving me any good advice. Mostly cause they have no experience with this particular situation. So I figure I should get internet advice for internet dating. :P

    Maybe I should just marry them both?! Just Kidding! :cool:

    Thanks for reading this far and thank you for your advice.


  15. The church says

    Does this mean I can get my cartilage pierced instead of my lobe?

    I've always wanted a cartilage piercing...I think that the members may be judgmental..but i don't mind...

    And, I'm going to BYU Idaho next year. So this makes me even more hesitant about it.

    In my own opinion, from a gospel perspective, no. The gospel's stance is conservative. Lobe piecing is conservative; cartilage piercing is not.

    I'm not saying not too. You're hesitant for a reason, trust yourself. Pray about it and decide.

    Good luck at BYU!! :)


  16. i feel like i do have a very strong testimony even though i havent regularly attended church the past 3 or 4 years. i know that god is there for me and any time in my life things have been super hard i pray and my prayers have ALWAYS been answered.

    That's awesome! Then you are at least keeping the first covenant which is to remember him always. It doesn't sound like you've received your endowments, so the only covenant you made so far is to remember him always. Sounds like you're doing that. I think that more than anything else is the most important foundation in the gospel.

    i have a girlfriend who has an EXTREMELY strong testimony of the church and i am so grateful to have her. im fairly confident that i want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. she has made it clear to me that the only way she will get married is in the temple. ive known her for about a year and a half and even last year (when i was still regularly having sex with other girls) i never once tried to have sex with her because i knew she was a virgin and i respected her enough to know that she wanted to wait until she was married.

    Sounds a bit like my situation. I found the girl of my dreams and it was the answer to my prayers. I believe Heavenly Father was giving me an opportunity to change: Either keep doing the stuff you know you shouldn't which is keeping you from fully enjoying the awesomeness of marriage or choose to marry one of my precious daughters by giving up the bad stuff.

    You have Free Agency, so decide what you want and go get it. As long as you're honest with yourself about what you truly want. I would write down what it is that you really want and read it night and day to remind yourself what you're working for/toward.

    1. me going back to the church. like i said before, i know i am going to go back to the church at some point. i know that im not going to want to drink and party forever and that it is a temporary thing. my girlfriend says that she will never push the religion on me and says that she supports me doing it when i am ready. i feel bad about having sex before marriage and realize that it was wrong and im not going to have sex again until im married but im struggling to be done drinking and partying. my fear is that i will want to marry this girl before im ready to be done partying so i will go back to the church for her, and not for me. i know in order for it to work it has to be my decision and not for anyone else. the thing i am curious about is how do i know when it is time for me to stop all the bad decisions and start repenting? i know for a fact that i am not quite ready to be done drinking and i dont really feel sorrow that i have done it for so long. i know in order to repent for something that i have to feel bad for it and i just dont. my girlfriend says that she will be patient and i have no doubt that she would wait 5 years if she needed to for me. i think i will be done before then i just dont want to rush it and do it the wrong way you know? how do i know FOR SURE that i am ready to give up this lifestyle?

    Wake up, she won't wait 5 years. Trust me on this one, she won't wait. She will wake up one day and realize how selfish you are being. She is sacrificing the joys of marriage and her progression in life and the gospel. What are you sacrificing?

    President David O. McKay said, “Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man.” So the first gift is time on this earth, the second gift is choice. Decide what you want to do with those gifts.

    I'm not saying stop drinking. However, it sounds as if you want to stop drinking so you can be worthy and marry this girl. So stop choosing to feel bad. You aren't your past, you are who you decide to be right now. Your choices right now will determine your future. You want to party, then party. You want to get married to the girl you love, then make decisions that will get you there. You either move toward or away from your goals with every choice you make.

    You know you want to give it up when you want something else more. It sounds like you're taking the first step, you're asking questions. You're wondering how to get past the partying and get the girl you want. Focus on her, focus on the church. As you get closer to the church, you will not want to do the "bad" stuff anymore.

    2. ok so me and my girlfriend have never had sex, we have gotten close and done just about everything else there is to do, but not sex. i know that a HUGE key to a successful and happy relationship is to stay away from that kind of stuff. we have both made it clear that we want to be good and not do anything more than kiss but we both struggle with it. i want our relationship to be the best it can be so i know in order to do that we need to stop anything more than kissing. its kind of weird because she is usually the one trying to get me to do more than kiss. we are both EXTREMELY busy and really the only time we get to hang out is at night, alot of nights she will come sleep over at my house and during the sleepovers is where the majority of these things happen. she always says that she feels close to me while we're doing these types of things that she loves the bond that she feels. i know if we stop doing things completely she will take it as a sign that i dont care about her or find her attractive or want to be close to her like that. i have already told her that if we stop doing those things we will be doing it for the right reason not because i am not attracted to her and for her to keep that in mind. i know the obvious answer is to not have sleepovers and my only problem with that is it would significantly cut back on the time we get to spend together.. is it possible for us to have sleepovers and stop doing these kinds of things? we both want to be better but we keep slipping. im just not sure what to do about this situation in general.

    First off, I give you credit for not going all the way, it shows maturity. That's excellent!

    You're right, if you stop the affection, even if she logically understands why, it'll still hurt. Not that it's impossible in general, but it doesn't sound like she is the kind to be able to use logic to override her emotions. That's not bad, it's just the way she is. In some ways, I'd say that's good. That's one thing that makes a woman a woman. But I digress...

    You could have sleepovers and not mess around, but you've already crossed that line. The triggers are set in place; a wink, a brush of her hand, a light kiss, and BAM you're back to it again. Really now, making out is fun, why wouldn't you want to snuggle up on a cold evening and make out. So I'd suggest trying to add variety to the evening so you don't focus on it. Play games, watch a movie, invite friends over, surf the net together looking for odd and funny things. Or better yet, just go out and have a fun time together doing something else.

    One last suggestion is to focus on other stuff you can do together. Don't focus on slipping. Focus on the good things that you are doing and keep doing them. Be consistent.

    kind of back to the first problem.. (also i realize this is a huge post so thank you for reading this far.) while ive been trying to figure out the answer to the chastity problem it has helped me realize why the church doesnt want us doing these types of sexual things. realizing this has helped my testimony grow stronger. i went to church for 2 hours today (first time ive gone to more than 1 meeting in over 2 years) and i actually paid attention to the talks. before i just sat and daydreamed but when i payed attention today i found myself learning alot and seeing things that actually applied to my life. i am going to make an effort to go to church on a little bit more of a regular basis. i dont want to be a hypocrite by going to church then going out and drinking but i dont see myself ready to be done drinking for a while (one year two years maybe three? i have NO idea). ive thought about this alot and am just really curious how i will know when im ready to stop? or even if i will ever know for sure or if i will just have to wake up one day and stop? thank you for reading this huge thing. ANY advice on either subject would be appreciated

    Congratz on going back to church more. Every step, no matter how tiny gets you closer to your goals.

    That's exactly what happened to me. I used to just sit and dream on while they'd yap away. Now I actually listen and learn something. I hunger to know more every time I go.

    Don't put church and drinking together. They are separate. Just focus on church. Stop feeling bad about it. Just go back to church and enjoy it. You will eventually not want to drink because church and the gospel will replace the desire you have to drink.

    There is no getting ready to stop. Decide to drink or not to drink. "Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try." Don't think about it when it's offered to you, by then you're already stuck cause you can't say wait, give me a few minutes to think about this and then decide not to. You can still party and no drink, right?

    Think about yourself in 3 years. Where will you be if you keep drinking? Married to the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with? What if you stop drinking? Go back to church? Become worthy? Marry in the temple? Start a family? Have true intimacy and sex with your wife?

    My dream, what keeps me moving forward, is the vision of marrying the girl of my dreams in the temple. Being worthy to give my wife a blessing of comfort when she's sick, to give my daughter a father's blessing before her first date and before she gets married. Forget the son's, they'll probably be lady killers, so it's the girls who'll need the protection! Just kidding!

    Remember the gospel isn't a fence, it's a guide rail. Keeps you in the good spots and keeps you out of the bad spots. You can always choose to jump the guide rail, but why would you want to? There's plenty of stuff to do on the good side.

    It sounds like you're on the right path, just keep moving forward and doing what you know is right.

    Ignore the slipups and spills, they won't quench your thirst. Instead focus on filling the glass with the good stuff, that's what will quench your thirst.

    I wish you all the best. Good luck!!


  17. From my personal experience, I didnʻt want to be baptized. I was interviewed to see if I was worthy and was approved for baptism. I had questions, I wanted to understand what was going on. The Bishop said donʻt worry about it, donʻt be nervous. He was a good man, I just donʻt think he understood that I wasnʻt trying to be a child. I really wanted to understand baptism before I was baptized. That clouded my thinking about the church for many years. In the end I accepted that he was just a man and doing what he thought was best. Iʻm active and hold callings in church, but it was a bumpy road. My baptism was always a sticking point for years.

    So what that in mind and from what you said, it sounds like she wants him ordained to make her father happy or proud of her. Or maybe she thinks itʻll make him a good boy? Or sheʻs afraid of the shame of not having him progress like the other boys. I agree with Soulsearcher on this one, some people are more interested in titles and appearances than truly understanding what is important about the gospel.

    From an earthly perspective, Iʻd say that he shouldnʻt be ordained unless he wants to. Itʻs an important step in a manʻs development in the church. It would be best to wait until he decides he wants it. Which probably wonʻt happen unless his family is going to church. From an eternal perspective, if he is "forced" to become ordained a deacon, I donʻt think Heavenly Father will punish him for the acts of his parents. He will look into his heart to truly understand him and judge him accordingly.

    I hope everything works out. Good luck!


  18. Oh my, guy needs to step up and learn to be a man. Give him this book to read:

    The Way of the Superior Man

    Amazon.com: The Way of the Superior Man : A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (9781889762104): David Deida: Books

    It was written by a non-member and while the talk is a little outside the normal morman course. For the most part excellent advice.

    Man should learn to be a man.

    The subtleties a woman gives a man are one of the most precious gifts a man can receive. Sometimes direct talk is needed, like when discussing the relationship. Otherwise men need to learn to understand their women and take care of them. They need to learn to be gentlemen.

    Might be good to read the Count of Monte Cristo as well.

    Good luck!


  19. Allow me to make further recommendations. These are just my personal observations and thoughts. I appreciate that some won't agree. So take it with a grain of salt as they say.

    Change your environment. Your environment has triggers that set you off. Like sitting at the computer. So I'd say move, join the military, etc.

    Environment is only part of it, the real problem lies within you. Most of the fixes your listed are external, they might help, but it's really from within that's the issue. You may logically understand that it's "bad", but emotionally it's "good". Honestly, why do it? Cause it's fun and enjoyable. Eating and obesity are similar. So how to "fix" it?

    It boils down to emotional reactions (pleasure/fun/happiness), habits (environmental trigers), and a lack of overriding direction (bigger reason not to do it).

    Logically you don't want to do it. You know the negative effects of it like objectifying women, twisted view of sex, lack of stamina in the bedroom, etc. Yet, you still do it. Why? Because emotionally it's satisfying, it's pleasurable.

    We run on emotions, it's big part of our lives. When the logical and emotional parts are not in sync, we've got problems. Logic can only hold back emotion for so long. How many stories are there about the woman who waited years for her husband to return, even though logically she knew he was probably dead. Emotions can keep you going for years and years regardless of logic.

    This is what I've learned and continue to learn about. I'm no expert, but some good places to start are books like MindOS by Dr. Paul and Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. Maybe it'll help you. Either way, good luck!


  20. Good advice from all, I'd just like to add that your mom loosing her mom might have devastated her. When people get into an emotion state like that they make rash decisions. Especially with her being around family, people regress into old habits and feelings. Memories start flooding back. Under high stress they can regress into a more childlike state. Since she is a convert she might just be falling back into old habits to deal with the stress of loosing her mom. I know it's hard to take. Try and have compassion and empathy for what she's going through. I wouldn't tell her you know. I'm sure she'll want to be at your wedding in the temple and will probably repent. Either way, just focus on your happiness. Good luck!


  21. This just breaks my heart. I agree with Dove, good advice.

    In my opinion, your husband is being mean and using the church to justify his actions. He's not willing to take responsibility for the wellbeing of his family. From what I've heard the central reason for divorce is one or both are being selfish. You don't sound selfish at all, except that you and your child like to eat nourishing food and be healthy!! Of course I'm joking. It sounds like he is being selfish and using whatever excuse he can to make his way right. When things got rough, he got tired of the hard life and choose to have fun instead.

    In my opinion, you are not responsible for tithing, he is. He is responsible for the spiritual, physical and emotional wellbeing of his family. It is ultimately on his shoulders. That you have a desire is enough.

    I'm truly afraid for you. Carefully plan and be ready to leave if he gets more abusive or violent. Marriage counseling may help, but unless he truly wants to change and make things better I don't see how it will get better. It may even make it worse and he might just snap. From what you said, it sounds like this is a real possibility. Trust your instincts, you have the Holy Ghost to guide you.

    I have a friend who was in a similar situation. Eventually he got into some bad stuff, got violent and went to jail. I hope this doesn't happen to you. If it was me, I would give him a reasonable time to change, if not I'd get a divorce and move on. A temple sealing can be canceled. You can find another. All things are possible.

    I wish I could do more other than say pray, read your scriptures, trust in the Lord, and know that you have the Holy Ghost to help you. Trust your instincts, be safe.


  22. Consider volunteering or maybe an internship somewhere that interests you. That would give you some experience without dealing with the getting hired thing. Then you can see if you really want to get into a field like that.

    I've know many who started as volunteers, found their "callling" there and got a full time job. I'm sure there are many places that would be thrilled to have someone with a background in Psychology helping out. Not to mention your own personal experience can help to quickly build trust with others going through similar situations.

    Good luck!


  23. If you've only been in for 2 months, it's going to be a while before you get to that point. I'd relax and take it one step at a time. Move onto the next step when you're ready. It might help to get your patriarchal blessing first, if you haven't already. Temple Prep class might help? All this aside I'm sure the Bishop will be able to help and be able to give you the advice you need. Maybe a Bishop's Blessing would be helpful? It's helped me tremendously when I really needed guidance. Good luck!


  24. I'm glad you're getting help offline with your Bishop and a long term counselor. Keep that up and you'll become what you want to be. You have millions of spiritual brothers and sisters on this planet that want you to succeed and make it back to heaven. Those that came before you, your lineage, are cheering for you. They love you and want to see you blossom into the beautiful woman they know you will be.

    I realize that the farther I am from heavenly father the less likely I can feel love.

    Heavenly Fathers love is unconditional and never changes. He will always love you. He is always there for you. When you pray, talk to him as if he is there with you. He is your spiritual father and is listening to you.

    I've been raised in a family that makes me feel worthless.

    You WERE raised in a family that made you feel worthless. Family cuts deeper than anyone else, but remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." That stuff that happened is in the past, today is what matters. Focus on what you want and take the first tiny step to get closer.

    I left a guy to go with my previous boyfriend he says he wants to marry me despite our breaking the loc.I regret leaving my ex...I'm uncertain about my future.I tried killing myself on monday.got back from the hospital yesterday.ive been active again in the church for like this month.i know suicide is wrong but ive had suicidal tendencies since i was 13-ish.

    help.

    HHeinze

    It sounds like you know what you need to do: Decide on what you want for your future.

    I was in constant pain after an accident, I lived for the pain medication. I'd start to freak out if I didn't take it on time because I knew the excruciating pain would come back and it would take hours for the meds to kick in. I was stuck in bed barely able to use the bathroom on my own. I could barely clean up after myself. It would be so easy to end it all. What changed? I decided that I wanted more. I decided to be greedy for life, to scream against the darkness, to take a stand and not back down. To embrace the power and strength that comes with the decision to live.

    Remember that in the pre-mortal existence you decided to take a stand and be on the side of Jesus and not Satan. You were rewarded not only with the opportunity to come this earth, but to attain one of the 3 kingdoms of glory. Even better, you are able to get married and have children! To top that off, you were so strong and worthy that you were placed on this earth during the time that the gospel is restored! Consider your brothers and sisters who were born without the possibility of ever having the gospel in their lives. You FOUND the gospel 2 years ago and have your whole life ahead of you. Can you image what it would be like without the gospel?

    Look at how far you've come and how much you've lived in just 20 years, especially the last 2 years. People go there whole lives without getting as far as you have. I hope you're keeping a journal because your life is going to be an amazing tale I'm sure. I've love to hear more about.

    Good luck, keep moving forward in faith sister.


  25. But now I'm realizing that it would probably be appropriate to confess, and it's freaking me out.

    Great, you know what the first step is, go confess. Focus on what you want and be willing to do what it takes to get there. Fight and stretch for what you want. It is worth it.

    I just want to know what I should expect, and what I should prepare for.

    The Bishop will decide based on the guidance of the church manual and the revelation he gets on your behalf. In my experience, your particular path to repentance will be unique to your situation. It may be hard, but it's worth it and attainable. So get going! You've got a wonderful happy life awaiting you.

    Personally I would suggest reading The Miracle of Forgiveness. Here's a great quote from it:

    "Eternal life hangs in the balance awaiting the works of men. This process toward eternal life is a matter of achieving perfection. Living all the commandments guarantees total forgiveness of sins and assures one of exaltation through the perfection which comes by complying with the formula the Lord gave us... Being perfect means to triumph over sin. This is a mandate from the Lord. He is just and wise and kind. He would never require anything from his children which was not for their benefit and which was not attainable. Perfection therefore is an achievable goal." (p. 208)

    I also was wondering about confidentiality and if this will be something that will be between me and the bishop and stuff like that.

    You're 18, you are an adult. When you see the Bishop just ask him about the confidentiality. He'll listen and then tell you what the steps are to repent and get back on the right path. You'll have to decide what to do next. I had the same fears. I was afraid it was going to get out and I was going to be embarrassed and shunned. It didn't happen, I repented and it's all good.

    As for going on a mission, your desire is the most important thing. Pray for it, ask for it, and if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, keep moving forward. You can be a Ward Missionary, be a Home Teacher, and other callings. You can also serve a couple mission in the future.

    You know what is the right thing to do, choose to do it. Remember, the gospel is a guardrail, not a fence. Good luck!