ldschameleon

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  1. I appreciate all the detailed postings, the opinions, the insights, it is truly more than I thought I'd receive. You all are wonderful, caring people whom, in your own way, I admire. There is one thing I gather from all this that I find true, she does have needs. It is clear by her desire and having taken offense that shows me this size of this need to tell me about her past. She has told me she has repented of them, which makes me feel like whatever happened is now between her and the Lord. We all have a need to be understood, especially if we are going to marry someone. She feel like I need to know the intricacies of her past relationships to really know her, and this is something I've ignored. As for me, I don't need to know all about someone's past to truly appreciate them. There are many things in Christ's childhood that we don't know about, that we fill in the blanks from youth to adult, and we love him with all our hearts and souls. Would it help us appreciate him if we knew all that did? Probably not. It wasn't in Heavenly Father's plan for us to know, so I don't bother to wonder because I love him regardless. But this isn't about me, as I've come to realize. This is something I need to turn to sincere prayer. I want her to feel open to talk to me about anything. The only things i didn't want to know are about intimacies, but even if she let them out they would undoubtedly keep coming up. She holds on to the past very fervently and never goes a moment without telling a story (it's something I come to admire as a sweet quality of hers, its delightful). For those who have suggested limitations, I would read my first post carefully. I only didn't want her to talk about intimacies, the rest of her past I would love to hear about. But I am taking all of her even if I want to ignore it. I accept that she has laid with other men, dated others, fallen in love with others, been engaged once before. I wasn't always a member, and I've been down similar roads as her. Perhaps I need to talk to her closely to see just how important this is to her, and then allow her to express what she needs to. Perhaps I've been selfish for too long.
  2. Hey web-goers, thanks for taking the time out of your busy web-slinging to read my post. I'm engaged to quite seriously the love my life and anticipate our temple marriage soon. I trust her, love her, respect her, confine in her, and know her to be an amazing, beautiful, and sweet spirit and child of God. However, we have had some disagreements about feelings in one particular subject: She feels saddened, even frustrated that I desire to know nothing of her past relationships or transgressions. Her past is very important to her and believes she has been made by her decisions and the events that have occurred throughout her life (good or bad) and that they have all lead to meeting and falling for me. She feels like I should be interested, and feels that she has to guard herself from talking about certain things because she doesn't know how I'll feel about the story. She feels like I am not accepting all of her because I don't want to hear the stories of her past relationships, intimacies, and dating history. I feel like her past is in her past. I respect it, I respect she's moved on and is a bigger and better person because of it, and I am thankful it somehow led her to me. However, talking about past (this is intimate past and "partying days" in her youth we are talking about, with other people) makes me exceedingly uncomfortable. Who she is now, and who we are becoming together is what is most important about me. I know she is deeply passionate about her past being who she is and has become, and wants me to accept all of it in detail, but I don't require that much to accept someone's past. It is what it is, details or not. But talking about past transgressions or intimacy with another man bothers me tremendously and we haven't found common ground. She says she will continue to guard herself on what she says and feels that she will always have to hide from me - but she said, at first, she felt like she can talk to me about anything. How do we find common ground about this issue? I respect her feelings, I accept her past and all that she is that brought her to me, but I don't want to know the details of her past intimacies. She isn't happy having to "guard" herself with what she says, she is saddened that she feels she can't come to me for everything, and I'm feeling more and more guilt whenever we bring up the subject. Thoughts? Advice? Thank you again.
  3. Thank you, Life is hard enough without having to feel persecuted by the people you are trying to love, understand, and be one with. Truth be told, I haven't had a sincere, heartfelt hug in a long time.
  4. I thank you for reading and for your insight added to my already swirling thoughts. I want to go on a mission because I know it truly is the right thing to do - grow in my personal spiritual existence, spread the gospel and love that I've come to know and love, and be a better example to those in my present and future life. I agree, that going on a mission or not is not a "make or break" situation for Heavenly Father's love; His tender mercies are far greater than I am sure I can ever imagine. But I'm coming to understand this community's focus on going on a mission - what men and women are taught about those who go and don't go. Last night, in my Achieving Eternal Marriage class (the professor wrote 9 books about the subject), my professor proclaimed that if a male member doesn't serve a mission, basically, he will not be able to handle a successful eternal marriage. I don't know what is taught around the LDS world about marriage and missions, I know all professors and teachers are different in their interpretations of the teachings of the church, but I am currently seeing the pressures which the church and families put on going on a mission. He is also not the first teacher that I've heard proclaim such a thing. That said, I am torn between my uncertain feelings and unanswered prayers, the social pressures of going, and depression. It is the right thing to do, but telling people that I "haven't felt the spirit prompt me" or telling my bishop how I suffer from depression seems like people look at me as making up excuses why I'm not going. It hurts that depression is part of my life, something I suffer from daily, has not been managed by pills or counseling, and doesn't seem like there is much hope for me feeling better. Nobody wants to hear any of this. I've noticed this community is notorious for not wanting to hear about other people's problems, sufferings, concerns, trials, etc. The scriptures say that if we are in-tuned with the spirit, we will see our brothers and sisters suffering and will be willing to help them. Yet I walk alone most of my days around this community without a whisper from people. I've listened to other people's problems for the last 10 years - I am a magnet for those who feel down, depressed, lonely, uncertain, or who have trouble coping with day-to-day things, yet I can't find a friend who is willing to do the same for me. Maybe I'm the pin cushion, the balance of life where not everyone is going to be happy, not everyone is going to feel secure, not everyone is going to be married, have children, and live that fulfilling life that many strive and find. Maybe I was meant for my life to be a Gethsemane so I can make room for others to be relieved of their pain. I'm not Christ, but I imagine there are those who suffer and those who don't for a reason, which I do not understand. I am not losing faith in the church, it is perfect. The people may not be perfect, but I know that this is all part of some greater plan, for me to learn and grow. I want to go on a mission because I know in my heart it is true, and in my mind it is the right thing to do and would give me great benefits and blessings to my life riddle with pain. Do I feel ready? No. Do I feel capable? No. Do I feel down, emotionally numb, and alone? Most minute of every day. God gave us intelligence and feelings, but I'm "new" to my spirit (listening and being guided by it). I don't know if I can manage it, I don't know if the spirit is telling me to stay or go, but I know I have to be patient. It is hard, though, to live in a community that I thought I was accepted in despite my differences. It's even harder that people aren't willing to take a second look at me before pushing me away.
  5. Aloha, Thank you in advanced for reading this, connecting with me, and sharing your support. I am 23, have been a member for 2 years, and am currently attending BYUH. I am seeking advice about considering going on a mission, but I have some concerns (as I'm sure anyone is when considering such a decision). To know my concerns, please read along and learn a bit about me (my background/life/etc.) and you'll come to understand a bit more why I have such concerns. Please consider I have talked to multiple bishops (as I've moved a few times since I've been a member) and have all given me council different from one another - I trust them, and would like the help of my community, too. --I grew up with parents whom divorced when I was 5; both alcohol/drug users, and I moved around 20 times before high school graduation. I never settled down, had long-term friends, and remain very close to my two brothers. When I was 14, my father committed suicide just four days after our birthday (which we shared on the same day). This, along with the other family and social issues left me angry, bitter, unsociable, and deeply depressed - feelings that plague my life even to this day. I've taken medication, sought counseling, and do all the things that make up what I've come to understand as a righteous Latter-day Saint - Read daily scriptures, attend firesides/devotionals, serve the community, home teach, pray night and day, do well with my family, forgive others, duties in the temple. Yet through all my diligence, my trials, my humility, I hurt every day. Some days it's hard to get out of bed; I don't enjoy much of anything except being by myself; I don't really have friends; I don't date; And I'm finding myself growing accustomed to a community where I feel if I don't go on a mission, I might as well seal a lonely fate. After living in an LDS community (BYUH - I'm not from a state which has many LDS), I feel alienated, even ostracized for not having been on a mission. I have a strong testimony, I've taught lessons and home taught and have felt some recognition of my love and devotion to the gospel, the prophets, Christ and Heavenly Father, but I feel like I may never be "good enough" to truly be 100% supported in the LDS community. If I go on a mission, I feel I will do what the Lord wants me to do, be accepted into this community, find a suitable eternal wife, and fulfill my patriarchal blessing. As I've strived to live in the path of Christ, I cannot shake my depression. I can't shake the pains and sufferings of just getting out of bed and going to class. With few to talk to, and being the only member in my family, I haven't turned to many people with much success. I don't want to serve a mission just to satisfy other people's "checklists"; that if I'm a RM, I'm qualified to be a good person - which subsequently hints that not being an RM means I'm not good enough for people's "standards" - so I can't truly be accepted for who I am, if people aren't willing to accept me for who I am now. Questions I ask myself: -Should I go on a mission with this depression if it means acceptance from Heavenly Father and my Community? -Should I go on a mission despite not having prayers answered on whether I should go? I love this church, I love my living Heavenly Father - for His mercy, His love, His guidance, and His plan for all of us - and I love my Savior who is as real as his atonement. I do not know what to do, and have so many questions that it is hard to determine what it is Heavenly Father wants me to do. I feel alienated from this community which, as my missionaries taught, are supposed to uplift and accept one another so we can build the kingdom of Zion. Thank you for reading and being a friend. --Jeremy