grownfromaseed

You guys have been a tremendous help. I really appreciate all the advice and comfort you have lent me. It is very difficult being the only member in my family and I KNOW what I believe, it's simply those in the Church that make me question if that is where I belong. My family is not religious and so seeing them ask me constantly why I do the things I do- dress modestly, not drink, watch rated-R movies, etc- is really hard. I have come to the realization that some of you have mentioned that I cannot rely on others to make me happy. Perhaps this was my problem. With my eating disorder it was easy to get caught up in the world because I was trying to achieve control and perfection when I had lost both long ago. I did receive my Patriarchal Blessing and I read it yesterday. It caught me that one of the things on there in paraphrase told me to ignore those things of the world that try to lure us in. The Church has all my values and I don't plan on leaving, it's just trying to figure out where I stand among everyone. I guess I need to face reality and really start living, not for others, but for myself and God. And thanks you SeattleTruthSeeker, I will read those articles. Thanks everyone for the support. You have no idea what you have done to help me. :)

I need your guys' help. Lately I have felt like I am questioning where I stand within the church. I was recently baptized on September 25th and I am the only member in my family. This has led me to a lot of problems recently particularly because a lot of relationships are breaking my family because they tell me I'm just not the same anymore. I am a twin and me and my sister are really close. She is completely opposite of me in all means, especially in church teachings. She drinks and wears strappy dresses and shorts, things that I used to do in moderation before I found the church. Now though, I don't seem to find the same happiness that I had first coming into the church. All my friends that I made seemed to be there only because I was getting baptized and now they have moved on with their lives and seem to find better things and only call or text me when they need something, like a ride or to borrow some money. The way that I was brought up was very liberal and so my knowledge and beliefs about evolution and gay marriage (I have several gay relatives) are at complete conflict with one another. I am not sure what to do. I see my family members and they are so happy living the lives that they want and I am feeling so restricted right now. I can't even go to the beach and wear a regular bathing suit because of fear I will be judged by other members. I just don't know what to do and where I belong. I still know that the Church is true and that I have a testimony of that, but I am not sure that I want that right now. I feel unworthy to go to Church and to take Sacrament when I have all these thoughts inside my mind. My one thing is that all my standards match with those of the Church. Here I don't have to worry about drinking, drugs, sex, or adultery for those who are honest members. But at the same sense, people seem so judgmental and clique-y. I attended my home ward for the first time since I have been baptized as I am away at college and have been going to Church there and it felt so different. People didn't reach out to me other than acknowledge that I was new. I felt like I was just another member, just another person in the huge culture that was them. There was no inviting like I had received when I was so eagerly sought after when investigating the Church. I may sound a little bitter because I have been going through many trials lately. I had a best friend who was the one who introduced me to the Church and we dated for 2 months before he decided to end it and now isn't talking to me. He was my anchor and the one who was helping me keep me afloat in the struggles I face daily with my family. I have an eating disorder and was fighting it for years and then I came to Church and it left me for months. Now it is back, when he is gone and my friends are gone. And I just feel like perhaps this is not where I am supposed to be. Maybe this Church isn't where God really wants me. I don't know. As you can see I am very conflicted. Just so much has happened recently that the depression that I had before is creeping back. But I know that so many people will say that it is Satan, but in the same sense I honestly don't know if I am happy living this life where I don't feel like I belong. I have talked to my Bishop and he said I should talk to a counselor, but that was 2 weeks ago and I have not heard from him or from the people who say they're my friends. I feel like this has happened far too often. I find myself some place that makes me happy, but it is temporary until I find out that people take advantage of me because I am too trusting, too nice and reliable. I am unshakably loyal and somehow people seem to see that no matter if they are members or not. I haven't broken any standards and I don't think I will because that has never been in my mindset before joining the Church, but I feel lost. I am not sure what to do. Everything seems to be caving in at once and it makes me wonder if perhaps right now isn't the time for me to be in the Church. Maybe I wasn't ready yet and I need to find myself first because somehow I lost her along the way. Some may call it rebellion, but I'm not breaking rules, just rethinking my life and my place in this world as a whole. Have any of you been in this situation before or have advice for me? I am fighting this so hard, but those closest to me, my family, seem to be telling me that I would happier if I was just myself and stopped pretending and shaping myself to fit the "mold" particularly that brought on by Mormonism. I agree, but how is it possible to still find peace if there is guilt about not molding myself to that perfection that God has said? Any experiences or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. And no bashing, please. I am afraid that I am spiritually dying and I don't know quite what to do or where to go. Please help me.