sbg320

Thank you all for the support! It's overwhelming to have so much support from people who don't even know me. After I posted this I felt even more horrible b/c it's more real in writing on the internet. But, I'm really glad I did. Some of you suggested I get counseling and I did just that. I called LDS Family services and they got me in touch with someone who I think will really be able to help me. I already feel a lot better after only one visit. I'll keep ya'll posted on my progress.

Anatess - I hardly understand it myself. We have been thru a lot (waaay to much to write here) but basically, he is not the same man I married. Morning Star - I loved his confidence. He acted like he could take on the world. He was kind and had a sweet gentile voice back then. He made me laugh and we had so much in common. He was so sweet and generous to me and the kids. He put on a show like he was this knight in shining armor - that all changed within 6 months of marriage. Blushot - Thank for the movie reccomendation. I will try to find a copy an watch it with him. I like your thoughts on having a soft heart. It's pretty hard with someone who is aggressive and hostile. But, I admit I need to be better at that. I think something is going on with him but he has put up a wall that I can't scale. Jennarator - Thanks for your sympathy. He is aware that we have problems. He can probably sense that I'm not his #1 fan. It makes me very sad b/c I should be his #1 fan. He just pushes me away with his overwhelming anger. We've talked a lot about this but he gets defensive very quickly and once that happens, talking just doesn't work. Overall, I guess I'm just on this downward slope and I feel like giving up. I really have tried many things (self-improvement most of all) to fix our marriage but I can't fix this alone. I have guilt about my feelings towards him. I have guilt about my inability to change things. I feel bad b/c our kids see how unhappy we are. I cry almost every night begging in prayer for something to change.

and the guilt is killing me. My husband and I have been together for only 4 years (we were sealed in the temple one year ago). The problem is that we fight a lot and he is so hostile and cold towards me, it has turned off the love I used to have for him. He has serious communication issues (can't calmly speak to me about things when he's upset) and he gives me the cold shoulder for days. He did not grow up in the church and although he seems to want to be LDS, he does the unrightious dominion thing and resists a lot of the basic rules (like going to church every Sunday, keeping the sabath day holy, etc). He also has a very agressive personality which came out after we got married. I feel so helpless b/c I don't think leaving is the right thing to do but I can't stand being around him or even hearing his voice sometimes. I talked to my bishop about this one time and he suggested counceling but when my husband found out I talked to the bishop, he got very angry and refused counceling. How can I stay with someone who makes me so unhappy? I am also trying to deal with the guilt of feeling so much hatred towards him. It is so depressing b/c I should feel love for this man but I don't. We have so many more issues than just what I've told you here, but do I really want to spend eternity with someone I hate here on Earth?