MbpLCSW

Accountability is not condemnation. Believe it or not I actually agree with a little of what you said. First off, the husband is a victim of pornography and he is fighting against something that is very difficult. We should have empathy for him,... That doesn't mean she should condone any of his poor behaviors. That doesn't mean that a wife should turn a blind eye to his behaviors that effect her marriage, her emotional safety, her life. We should have an attitude of love, compassion, and accountability. Trust comes from enduring humility, honesty, accountability and consistent actions. Not unconditional love. I agree that him being honest about relapses will ultimately build trust and yes he should feel comfortable enough to do that... and humbly accept the consequences of his actions. You throw out some of my questions as irrelevent yet fail to explain why? I personally would rather have no evidence be produced when it comes to child abuse. So erroring on the side of caution is fine with me. Your suggestion " The proper course of action is to not allow her kids to be in a situation where they can be harmed". This most likely will hurt feelings and send messages to the father in law. According to your logic, how dare she do that if she doesn't have objective evidence? Your response reminds me of a common response when a child comes out and says they've been molested. Somehow, someway, the child becomes the bad object. How dare they stir the pot? why would they make up such lies? This is wrong. Yes, this woman has a part in this mess, I never said she didn't, however, she needs some space and boundaries in order to heal, not "you need to start trusting him and forgive" crammed down her throught. As for your cognitive dissonance mumble jumble. You sure made quick assessment after reading a few posts on a blog.

Wow Senior Moderator (prisonchaplain) You could not be more off on this. In fact what you wrote is destructive and borderline offensive. This wife has been traumatized by her husbands pornography addiction. Trust can be regained when he has earned it. When he is taking his parents side over his wife's, and continuing to act out (even if it's less) he is not earning trust back. This family sounds like a very enmeshed unhealthy family. Your response was playing right into the codependent behaviors of the family. You Minimized the problem, ("He is mostly clean"). Can I "mostly" be worthy to hold the preisthood. I understand that addiction is difficult to overcome, but a consequence of his acting out is lost trust. Can I "mostly" be faithful to my wife and then expect her to trust me cause "most" of the time I'm not looking at pornography? If she has a gut feeling about her father in law then she should listen to her gut! Her safety and her childrens safety are the most important things. With a family that is clearly co-dependent and has sexual addiction issues (husband and brother) then her feelings are valid. Her claim of him being a molestor may or may not be true but her gut feelings are real and she should act on them. "keep those suspicions to yourself, until you have something objective to go with them." So she should raise the red flag only after the children are molested??? "You two are to be one flesh, but he's still to honor his mother and father. In fact, so are you." Sometimes honoring our father and mother is setting some firm healthy boundaries with them. Continuing to allow them to enable destructive behaviors is NOT honoring them. My profession is working with these problems and it infuriates me when I read such destructive advice to someone who is clearly hurting.