martie

Well, it's me again. Nothing has changed. Our bishop finally tried to talk to dh a couple of months ago. It was awful and dh would not speak about the problem at all besides cursing once and calling me a liar. Bishop took me aside afterwards and said he is at a loss and that he doesn't know what to do next, and that the ball in in my court. He is afraid that is we try more aggressively to do something about this, life will become all the more miserable at home. So, if I say the word, he will do something more, but otherwise he is going to just step back a notch. He really wants to help, but he doesn't know what to do. So, dh keeps gawking at women and crushing on everything sexy that walks by, and I just keep the pain to myself. If dh wants anything, I am right there for him, but otherwise I just put 110% into raising my children, and I try to hide my pain. From what I can tell, he thinks I am perfectly happy. I think he is totally mentally ill. He has no clue about what is real. Ohhhh, and mean and nasty is always right under the surface. So, yeah, I'm hurting. And I guess this is the way it will stay. Oh, and I tried counseling for 6 months and I got tired of the counselor falling asleep on me. Do you know how it makes you feel to be telling someone how lonely you are and how you really need someone to talk to, and then you look up and she is sound asleep? This is a small town, so that's it for the counseling for me. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty lousy about life.

Thank you so much to all of your for your responses. It's a "funny" thing-- I still am stunned each time I see someone say that what my husband is doing is wrong! It has been so many years that I have been silent, that I have felt more and more alone. It is great to find a support system. Thank you so very much! Well, about a month ago I went to my bishop and he was wonderful and supportive. He is a wise man and his counsel was much needed. He immediately set me up to get counseling and I have attended twice, which has been amazing. My counselor is LDS, and she is a very good woman. My husband has not asked why I am attending and has not asked what I talked to the bishop about, but he is certainly seeking to control his temper more, now that he knows something is going on. He is also giving me attention now, which is quite unusual. I know it is somewhat superficial, but at least it is something. As far as the gawking goes, it is the same. The bishop is supposedly going to talk to my husband, but that has not happened yet. Everyone is a bit worried about what will happen if he is confronted since he tends to have an explosive temper. So, I am biding my time and watching and waiting. I must say, it is really nerve-wracking! I need to run. Thank you again for everything. I appreciate it so much. Martie

Thank you so much, ApostleKnight, for your thoughts. I needed to hear that today. I am dreading going to a pioneer day activity today because my husband's latest "interest" will be there. I just dread anything where we have to go out in public together. So, you consider what he does to be porno? I guess I do too, but it's rough to hear it. He spent his 1-year remote assignment typing phrases into Google images search and looking at thousands of pictures. He says it's not porno because the women (mostly) had clothes on. Not all, though! I saw the pictures and they are awful. And most of them are not wearing enough to matter. It's good to hear from a man and what he thinks. I know what he does is wrong, but I constantly tell myself to ignore him, to let it go, to not worry about it. So, I hold his hand and smile and chat with him like there's nothing wrong. The act is wearing thin. I have a constant knot in my stomach and my heart pounds just about 24-7. I am desperate for some time off from the anxiety. I know I should talk to our bishop, but I am afraid. I do not want my husband to find out and get mad. Trust me, that is very rough. This subject is CLOSED with him. Thank you again. I admire that you can speak up and help others through sharing your experiences. Martie

Thank you, Steflu. Wow, you have a rough situation. I am grateful every day that my dh is active in the church and does his calling. He loves the scriptures and spiritual music. It's such a weird mix. I really, really feel for you and I will pray for you. Do you have children? I especially appreciate your words about being a child of God. Some days it is so hard to feel that I am loved when I have had to suffer for so long. I do keep the standards, but I put much into my clothing and hair and make-up. You can tell that he genuinely likes how I look, especially when we go to church or out on dates. But that does not change how much he looks elsewhere. URGH, it gets so old. This weekend was so hard. There is a woman at church who he apparently has a crush on, and he cannot keep his eyes off her. She is a friend of mine, too. This is not the first time he has been "obsessed" with someone at church, but it certainly does not get any easier. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope things get better for you. Martie

[************************************************************************* Oh, Stickmom, I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I will include you in my prayers. You're right-- leaving is not going to happen. My children are oblivious except for the older teens. My dh and I do not fight, and I keep quiet. To anyone we look like the perfect family. The only thing is that my heart aches day and night, and I hurt all the time. My dh doesn't even "get it" at all. He almost drove off the road the other day because he was so intent on the woman in the pickup truck going past us. He was turned all the way backwards while he was driving! And then he took my hand and held it and smiled at me. He seriously thinks he does nothing wrong. And he also thinks he has me completely fooled. I am so sorry for you and it means a lot to hear from someone in a similar boat. What do you do about leaving the house? Do you just stay home so he cannot be alone with the computer? My dh works with computers in a single cubicle, and he is alone there all day. He is not allowed to do porno over the military internet, but he sure can come close. And he does. He flirts with disaster constantly. Children are awaking, so I need to get off. Thank you again for sharing! I would like to know if your dh's "habit" has hurt your body image or made you doubt yourself. Martie Thank you so much. I went and read it on Saturday and you're right. It is a touching story and the woman is truly a good person. The biggest difference, though, is that my dh will not discuss it at all, and will not be honest. I have shown him that I am here for him and that I am willing to help him through. He simply will not admit there is a problem. I have fasted and prayed for him often, but the fact remains that he will not allow me to help him and he does not want to change. The husband in the article is humble and wants his wife's help. My dh is extremely deceitful and will lie to get out of anything. Thank you for sharing! Martie I totally understand why you asked. I know I am a good wife and that he is very happy with me and our marriage. One of the few times he was willing to discuss this problem, he said, "Don't you inderstand? This has nothing to do with you!" Of course, that left me pretty speechless. He thinks it is worng of me to hurt. He says the whole thing is harmless and none of my business. Thank you for the warning. I hope you find peace with your situation. I will include you in my prayers. The "funny" thing is that I have worked in a lot of leadership positions, and have helped other families with similar issues. But dh will not get help and will not try to change. He is in total denial that there is anything wrong. I do not see him cooperating with any program, unfortunately. Thank you for your thought.

I've told him. I have shared exactly how I feel, numerous times over. Either he does not care enough to change, or he cannot. And he will not discuss it at all.

Thank you for your comments. But, yeah, it goes way past that. He is literally obsessed. He will not discuss it, but I can see that it rules his life. Looking (and seeking after) is first and foremost, over everything else. I think he wants help, but he would never admit it. I really see it more and more as a sickness. I have hit rock bottom. I guess I will try to talk to our bishop, but I am not sure about how to go about that without making my husband suspicious. I really do not need more stress in our marriage than what we have now. Unhappiness has taken over everything for me, much as I have fought it. It's hard to always come in last place in his world. And it's hard to keep up with the cheerful and happy act. This has taken about everything out of me.

Very much so. I starve myself and work out every second I can, just to be tiny. I do everything to be like what he gawks at. I am 5'4" and am sitting at 115 pounds... and this after 8 children, 9 pregnancies. I dress the way he likes, and he says I look fabulous. We have a very active physical relationship. But it's not enough. It kills me. What do I do? Surgically enhance myself? Bleach my hair and dress sleezy? I literally have done everything I can. It's never enough. From the time he was about 12, he was heavily exposed to pornography at his brother's house. How can I compete with that?

Thank you for answering. Ultimately, what can the bishop do? I do not want my husband to be hurt. His feelings matter so much to me. I am a convert and do not know how everything works...

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college. I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days. He is totally obsessed. After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more. On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty". I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset. We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us? Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me. I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer. Martie