darling

As having been in a different but very similar situation as your wife is, this is my advice to you. There is no doubt that some things need to change in your marriage or it absolutely. Will. Not. Work. And that's the bottom line. HOWEVER. Please... do not give up! When you first married this woman you wanted to be with her for all time and eternity! Marriage is not something to be thrown away when the rough times come along, and let me assure you, they will not stop coming, although the way you learn to deal with them will make it much, much easier. With that in mind. As others have said before me, marriage is a dance. It's a two way street. You can't control your wife's behavior but you can control yours, and by doing so, control her reactions - to an extent, of course. It sounds like your wife has a case of narcissism, but try to look at where that has stemmed from. The things you describe are a (painful) reminder of how I once was. I will bet you anything her self-esteem is shot. This is not your fault. Maybe she feels like she has gained weight. Maybe she feels like she isn't as pretty as she once was. Maybe she feels like it's somehow her fault for not having a stronger testimony to keep you from wavering. Maybe she feels like she should have gotten a better job or a better education since money is so tight. I don't know. But I promise you, it's there. And so therefore she is not feeling as wanted, as needed, as attractive, etc. She may not openly admit this or even realize it and there's not a whole lot you can do but push her in the right direction... by pushing yourself in the right direction. So here's what I'd do. First, sit her down and straight up tell her, you LOVE her! Tell her all the things you love about her that you told us. She is going to need constant reassurance throughout this whole process. Then tell her you want this marriage to work. You picked her to be sealed to and gosh darn it, you are going to follow through. Even if you don't feel all that motivated about saving your relationship right now, it's a true statement, isn't it? You did pick her for your eternal companion, no? Be the hero from the love story, just for that hour or however long your talk lasts. Trust me, it will change that girl's attitude, even if she puts on a front (some of us are really stubborn, you know?). You only have to have this talk once, right? Suck up your bitter feelings (if you have any) and do it. Then, tell her you are going to counseling to save this marriage whether she comes or not. Don't just tell her. DO IT. This is key. I can't tell you how many times I said me and my man were going to counseling and never went. Be an example. If wifey doesn't know how to play wife right now due to whatever issues she's currently dealing with, then don't stoop to her level and stop playing husband... instead, become the best husband ever! Teach her how it's done by showing her. Counseling will make a very big impact. Go talk to your bishop. He will help you find a good counselor and help foot the bill if finances are a problem. His ultimate goal is to keep you together! He is your marriage's best friend! Take advantage of that, make sure you talk to your bishop, keep him in the know. He is directly guided by the spirit and in turn will guide you. Do not react to her jibes, even if they get nasty.... She wants a reaction from you. At points like this just validate your love for her. If you can't do it right then, leave and cool down (don't go spend five hours at the buddy's house playing games as this pushes her buttons, try going on a walk or run some errands or try going to the gym - this is an AWESOME way to relieve stress, I cannot endorse it enough), then come back and show her you love her. Bring back flowers. Can't spend money on flowers? Pick some from the side of the road! I also second just going to bed when she tries to stay up late fighting. You shouldn't be up at 1am regularly anyways. I like the no fighting after whatever p.m. Implement that. Set up some boundaries. Make the bed a no-fighting zone... if you are going to argue you have to get out of bed. Simple. And just remember, these things take time! Hold on. Think of your child. And definitely do not have another right now. Maybe she is pushing for another kid because she wants to feel that if you had another child together it would somehow help solidify the marriage, to somehow help keep her from losing you? <---This directly ties back into the low self-esteem thing. She thinks you would rather be with other women than her. And if you do all these things, you change your dance moves to try to match up with hers, and it still doesn't work... then at least you know you've done everything you can, and you can walk away without a single inkling of a doubt that this marriage could not be saved. Sorry for this big long schpeel, but I can relate with your wife and in retrospect I have learned a LOT about this particular behavior. It is very destructive and if you want this marriage to work you need to fix it, by fixing yourself (even if you don't have even half as many issues as she does!) Best of luck to you!!!! And don't forget to pray!!

Ohhhh my goodness! There are a couple things I wanted to touch on from your post but this was the most prevalent. Dating is not a game! It is not that complex! THERE ARE NO LEVELS!!! It should be totally natural. You are way, way, way overthinking this! If you're trying to have a good time, then all you have to do is just think about it as hanging out with a friend, having a good time. That is all there is to it. I promise. The stigmas attached to "The Second Date" and "The Third Date" do not apply to us as members. Those stigmas are directly correlated to the bases (you know... first base or second base or a homerun) and as such, I repeat, do not apply to us. It sounds like you're feeling pretty bitter about this whole dating process... so don't make it a "process"! Just go out and have fun and let everything take care of itself! :)