fourkidsandahouse

Thank you Finrock, you truly have a gift of understanding the scriptures and helping others to do so. I did end up writing a letter to my husband and i got a decent response quickly. After addressing the issue, and some of the new ones related to this with him, i was in an odd place of having reconciled the immediate but still needing to endure to the end...meaning carrying though with my promises to support and not judge.... this has almost been as hard since everything reminds me of the situation that was just a week ago and i almost forget our conversations and revert to judgments. It almost doesn't seem right that things should go back to normal...but isn't that what we need?

I definitely don't want the "power". I thought i was marrying the (priesthood) power, and i'm shaken at knowing that my response to this will make such a big difference in our marriage. I "fell asleep" on the couch last night, and he went upstairs... I'm thinking about writing a letter, because i don't think i could confidently hold a conversation that was supportive as i'm still so disgusted by the whole thing, but i feel like the longer this goes on the harder it will be, the further apart we will be when we talk. I guess part of me is waiting/hoping for him to be the man i thought he was and step up to the situation. My mind shifts from wanting to help, to nausea, to pain, to thinking of an easy way out and pretending it didn't happen... i just wish it was any other sin... i'll forever and the rest of my life wonder if he is picturing or thinking about those things every time we are together, and a woman that doesn't feel wanted can't fake intimacy.. a buzz from an alchohol offense would leave the system, but the pictures stay forever.... the feelings stay forever....

I've read and re-read these posts all day long. Thank you for your thoughts and time. It has been two days, and we have been together the whole days, and he has not mentioned one word. He seems to be trying to pretend that this didn't happen, or maybe thinks his promise to not do it again is the last word needed. I on the other hand am barely holding it together, as we have just found out we are expecting this past week and i am full of emotions. He fell asleep on the couch, which is good because i could not have slept well next to him, but also shows me he is avoiding me. Everything reminds me about this during the day, and i wonder what pictures are in his head as he can visibly see me deep in though. What if he never brings it up again? i can't imagine what i would do if he tried to be intimate with me with this in the air. The thought makes me sick... With the "cards in my hand" so i wait for him to be ready to talk to me, or bring it up myself?

Is going to my bishop and discussing the situation like tattling? There is no way to speak with him without my husband knowing as he would have to watch the children... and then he would know the bishop knows...

My husband is a night owl, and he frequently stays up later than me as this is the only time is has to himself in our busy schedule with work and 4 kids. I've never suspected anything and he is a good dad and husband. This morning (after he was up late) i came down stairs and found the shades down (we normally don't mess with them) and the headphones hooked up to the computer. My family are hard sleepers and normally he surfs the net next to me in bed while i sleep, so i thought it odd. i turned the computer on and checked the history and it was blank... so naturally i dropped the search bar down and low and behold he had been viewing pornography. i asked him about it this right after i found it, and he lied at first, tried to blame it on me, then realized he was caught. He didn't say much,, so i asked,, he said he doesn't do it very much,, hardly ever,, (which i think i believe) and then just kept asking me what i wanted him to say.... i said i only wanted to hear the one thing he didn't say,, so he said he would never do it again.... my husband is in the army and has deployed twice for a year. I know he has mb while we were apart, in fact he mentioned it, but said he was thinking of me, and he missed me... i didn't think it was a big deal since he never does when he is home (that i know of) but after catching him this morning i'm wondering how much pornography came into play when we were apart..? I don't know what to do? i don't know how big of a deal this is? we haven't spoken about it because i always put my foot in my mouth and come out sounding judgmental and i don't want to begin a conversation before i know where i think it should go... is mb wrong in all situations? i needed to be set apart in church today and he followed me,,, i asked him if he felt worthy to help,, he said yes,, i paused and asked him if that was right,,,, he took the kids to the car,,,, i know that it is his thing to deal with, however he chooses, but what does this mean? does looking at pornography mean you are not temple worthy right away? should he not use his priesthood power? i don't think he is addicted at all.... i asked him why and he said that he was a sexual being and sometimes it got the better of him... there just didn't seem to be any remorse, just obligatory responses.... aside from not knowing what to do, or what questions to ask, i'm not even scratching the surface of how it makes me feel.... i'm trying to separate that from the situation...