Hey im sorry this is long but i need advice!
Ok so i had a boyfriend like 2 years ago, he was my first bf and i didnt know what type of kisses were apropriate. his kisses were inapropriate, long, tongue involved etc. i didnt know it was bad at the time! he was an exmissionary and a good member of the church so i supposed kissing like that was normal in a relationship and the reason i was feeling bad when kissing, was because i didnt know how to kiss or because that was my first experience or probably he was not the right person and i wasnt in love. I had heard about kissing but when i was YW so i thought it only applied to youth who are not allowed to steady date.
later i did a research and i concluded we shouldnt kiss like that , i told him and he was like ok.
Anyway long after the brekaup i still felt bad for kissing him like that and letting him do it, i told my bishop about it and he told me to forgive myself because i didnt do it with lust, i didnt know it was bad and when i started to feel something was wrong i investigated and asked him to stop, i never meant to rebel against god intentionally.
But now i remember something. my bf wanted to marry me and everyone else wanted me to marry him too, besides he was a good member of the church and he loved me so much (now i think it was infatuation and strong physical attraction) that i was like, "i like my bf, he's good and loving but i can't love him, why? why i dont feel like marrying him?" and one day at a dance he started kissing me like that and i thought : ok everyone wants me to marry him and start a family together and i wish i felt the same...lets see if i feel any "procreation desire" with this guy (if u know what i mean) but of course i didn't want to go further,i just wanted to find out if i would feel it after marriage, because so far i just couldnt see him as a father to my children. WHAT A FOOL! and yeah after some kissing i started to feel a lust feeling! WHAT A FOOL! but short after that a person entered the room, just a few seconds later. we stopped and went to dance but I was so ashamed after the kiss!!!! i promised myself i wouldnt do it again and i realized that it is not necessary to feel those things to want a person as an eternal companion.
Now, years laters i wonder if i should tell this to my bishop, it was so quick and we didnt go further. i didnt know what he felt that day and i dont think he remembers, but i do, because it was the only time i've felt it and im still ashamed. I want to be clean and chaste.... I've felt the godly sorrow so much and prayed so much asking for forgiveness, but i dont know if i should tell my bishop. im willing to do it if necessary. Is it necessary? and, should i apologize with my exboyfriend? we had a nasty breakup so we havent had any contact and right now it would be very uncomfortable to go and apologize now for something that wasnt wrong for him. i dont want to talk to him but im so willing to do it if necessary!
Will I be considered chaste again? this is very important to me because one blessing from my patriarchal blessing is based upon my obedience to the LoC. Thank you!!!
