benedictine9

ZionsRodeVos, I, too, have honestly made an effort to address specific things that have made her unhappy and have also found that in the larger scheme, it hasn't and won't probably make a real difference. An honest appraisal of where I am suggests that this is more about one's capacity to be happy generally in spite of how life and relationships pose challenges. I have shared in counseling that my fear going forward that I will internalize all of the criticisms levied right now and shut down and not see the bigger picture, or how I can still be a force for much good in the lives of my children. While everyone has said in some way or another that this will get easier, my hope is that I can re-forge my confidence and be proactive instead of reactive as I plan for my life and my role in the lives of my children.

I agree with you on the "why" as far as abuse of children are concerned. I can't understand how anyone would knowingly enter into such activity for such a short-term high. Child abuse has cut such a wide swath of destruction across my family and extended family. I often wonder what life would have been like without it sitting like the 800 pound gorilla in so many aspects of our life.

A year or so ago when counseling with my bishop, I mentioned that I was really struggling with the "why" portion of this trial. Not why me, but just why. Why or how could it be part of the bigger plan that families come apart? He told me that of all the things I needed to consider, figuring out the larger "why" would be unproductive and was probably not among the things for which I needed to petition The Lord. At this point, I am left hoping that this experience for me and my children is at worst formative rather than definitive. It is silly to think or expect that life can be lived without receiving scars, and while I would gladly bear all for my children, I guess my responsibility is to live so that I can be here for them as they each individually try to heal.

A question I have now is how one avoids the intense bitterness at how things have evolved contrary to one's best hopes and dreams. I know that giving in to those types of feelings can be intoxicating and addictive and I don't want that to define me...better yet, I don't want that to take hold in the hearts of my children. I want them to live and believe and seek to establish forever families.

Thanks to those who have taken time to reply. Sometimes this feeling of loneliness is so heavy, I feel like I am drowning. Certainly, there are things about me that will need to change, and I am sure I will need to seek good counseling going forward. Having children at home is the really paralyzing part right now for me. I can't imagine what this is going to do to them. I can't help but feel like I have failed them. I feel like I can't breathe as I imagine my wife trying to frame this to them in some terms to make this survivable, even palatable to them. Truthfully, laying it bare, I fear of being overwhelmed with this and not rising to and ultimately past this moment. I fear not being able to trust again to rebuild and yet remain a pillar to my children. All I can think is that now is the time to draw even closer to the Lord, to come to terms with putting my fate in His hands and believe that He wants me to be happy, and it will be possible. Thank you all again for your posts.

For me, as I look back, the only thing that I would have changed is me. I should have recognized that this was going to be harder than I thought. I should have sought help to better understand how I could be more supportive amid behavior that I would not understand. Unknowingly, naively, I was in over my head, and sadly, I used her abuse and family dynamics as the "reason" why we were having issues. I know that she will have to account for her decisions. I know I will never heal if I blame myself completely for where I am today. However, I do think I bear responsibility for her feeling like she could not find a partner willing to see where he was also wrong.

Thank you all for your posts. Most importantly, I appreciate the raw honesty that this venue provides. Robin Williams was in a movie once about chasing his wife into some sort of hell to retrieve her because he loved her so much. While I am no saint, I do believe that I would and have gone to great lengths to survive this WITH her. I would go through even more if I felt that someday in the eternities that I could reach through the veil and find her hand--that she even wanted to be there for mine. That hope is fading as I see that she has probably committed to a different course. I am SO sad and at times feel like my heart will stop as I contemplate all of the "last" things we have probably done as a family as it is today. However, it is of paramount importance to me that I continue forward. We decided together to bring 4 wonderful spirits into this world. I will never run from them nor my responsibilities to maintain the covenants I was lucky enough to make in bringing them into this world. As a missionary, I had occasion to spend a day with an apostle. He made a comment about drawing his wife to him into the eternities by the hand that has always stuck with me. Though I never imagined that life would take this turn, I know that one of the best things I can do for my kids is to live with purpose so that they never question my values or commitment to living them. I guess I just pray that in time I will find a partner whom I can take by the hand with the calm assurance that I will never have to let go. While there is not a whole lot that I can do to soften the hard landing that this divorce is sure to create for my children, I just pray for the strength to show them that we do not give up or settle and that we can, with the Lord's help, survive and even thrive in the midst of cruel adversity. Truthfully, I am not sure why I even made a post in the first place. Perhaps it was to vent. Perhaps it was also to make a public commitment to the ideals that I think will best get me and my children through this. Heartbroken? Yes. Nervous? Yes. But, I am learning that perhaps I can find solace in seeking to put The Lord's will ahead of my own-- that He truly does love me and my broken family--that I can come out of the other side of this better in many ways than when I went in. That is the hope at least.

Years ago, I met a man who had been divorced and was miles from his family and 6 children. A college professor, he seemed to know a lot about divorce, and I always felt bad for him because I knew that behind all the facts that he had accumulated, he probably spent so much more effort trying to figure how he had ended up divorced himself. Sadly, I now find myself in a similar situation, facing reality, and feeling bogged down by thoughts of how I got here, and how this will play out. As this will also affect my children, I am absolutely devastated for them. I am not a perfect person and have had an imperfect marriage to be sure. We have been married for more than 20 years. That time together has been marked by successes and failures, pain and joy, as well as the scars that living life seems to inflict. Added to this, my wife was abused as a young girl by the one person who should have been most concerned for her--her father. Looking back, I see that I should have sought counseling as to how best to love her and provide for her emotionally. However, I think I was more likely to blame her depression and our disagreements on her rather than on the "us" that we had created in the temple. Though I will most likely never know when it started, there surely began to be a rift emotionally that we glossed over for years as we sought more for appearances than marital content and quality. Sadly, about 9 years ago, I found that she was seeking out what appeared at the time to be emotional relationships. We saw counselors and our bishop, and things appeared to be better. However, as the years passed, I found emails and texts that indicated more sexually explicit relationships. Finally, I was told that some of these relationships had involved adultery. I was speechless, yet strangely relieved that I wasn't crazy and that my intuition was proven correct. We made attempts through counseling. My wife even went through the certainly painful and humbling process of dealing with her standing in the Church. There at times were such powerful moments that conveyed her sincerity and godly sorrow as she went through the process of coming into renewed full fellowship. Recently, sadly, I had the feeling that things were not right. To my absolute dismay, I have confirmed that she is back to at least online relationships that are again very sexual in nature. When confronted with this, she only admitted to what I had found and told me that it was none of my business beyond that. She told me that she wanted out and that there was no saving our marriage at this point. Naturally, I am so sad. I understand that she is absolutely entitled to her free-agency. But, I am sad that I am most likely going to have to break my children's hearts, and I cry every time I picture the talk we will have to have in the near future with the kids. I can honestly say that I have never prayed more than I have over the last few weeks. I have talked with many trusted friends and sought the advice of both a counselor and an attorney. What I am trying to reconcile are the ideas of forgiveness, forever families, etc., with the cold reality that my wife has developed some sort of sex addiction that rears its ugly head during times that our marriage is stressed. While I am sure that my children do not know details, I am more and more convinced that I need to stand without wavering for the ideals found in The Proclamation on the Family. Every day seems to indicate that while our family as it is constituted right now may change, I can have more of a lasting impact as a father seeking righteousness by establishing a home that truly tries to live close to the Lord. It is so hard to imagine now, but that would presumably also include ultimately seeking a partner who shares a desire to live close to the Lord and would be an example to children who desperately need that in their lives. While I know that I need to fully come to this myself, I would appreciate any insights anyone might have.