limpaini

I can totally relate to these thoughts. I dealt with this when I was an investigator, and still do 8 years later. It all comes down to prayer and the confirmation I receive from the Spirit.

Misshalfway, your words were so kind and uplifting! Thank you.

As I stated, this isn't the first time my husband and I have gone through this. I have indeed sought therapy for myself, to improve myself, not to change him. I will probably go back because it helped tremendously. I know I can't change him, that is not my goal. I am just trying to decide if trying to rebuild my marriage is a lost cause. I am also aware that most of the time both parties have some fault when these things occur. My husband doesn't want to put any blame on me, but I can think of reasons that would have aided him in justifying his poor choices. I can't rush into leaving- I have no way to support myself and children. I am very fortunate to have a very supportive family and inlaws- but I can not face the humiliation of running to them yet again with this problem. This has at least gotten me to reevaluate my ability to provide for my family. I will be changing that as soon as possible. I am going to be talking to our bishop tomorrow. I know he is going to be terribly disappointed. He has grown to think of my husband as one of his few friends. Thank you to all of you for allowing me to talk openly about this. I really appreciate it.

Thanks for the replies. I have a lot of "faith" (for lack of a better word) in my stake pres. But I do think something serious needs to occur, regardless of my decision of staying or going. Anyone that has been through this knows what an emotional roller coaster it is. One moment I am ready to walk, next moment I want to fight tooth and nail to save my marriage. But that's the folly- it doesn't matter one bit how hard I fight, if he isn't going to do his part, it makes no difference. Part of me believes this will inevitably happen again, though I fully believe in the power of Christ's atonement (which is why I was able to stay previously). It's just such a mess being a stay at home mom with kids. I guess that is self centered to say, these things are always a mess. I really just want to be with someone I trust, who adores me as much as I do him, and who I can reasonably see myself with in old age. I have long had part of my mind wondering if that would happen with my husband. I so deeply want him to be this man. Sorry. Like I said, I just need somewhere to let it out and not feel terribly judged. No one in my life knows what it going on. I'm too humiliated to let it out.

please excuse typos.... this is hard to write about and I am crying as I type.

opps..... tried to edit and deleted. I am not too computer savy. Anyway, those of you who may have offered up advice, please feel free to contact me if you want.