Hellothere123

Boogles, My heart goes out to you! I don't post on here very often but I was skimming through and saw your post and really wanted to log back in and give you some advice! 10 months ago I was in a very similar situation and posted on here for advice because I was desperate for some outsider opinion. You can see the post here: http://lds.net/forums/topic/50929-please-help-civil-marriage-consequences/page-2 Read through that and see if anything stands out for you. Now, my husband and I got married civilly and have been married for 9 months now! I recently went through the temple to receive my endowment and it was wonderful. :) We are attending the temple together regularly and it has brought us so much joy and love. We are going to be sealed very soon and are excited. We are also planning on starting our family very soon. Now, things are working out for us, and we have made a CHOICE to create lemondade out of lemons, and thats a choice I sometimes have to make hourly. I personally, have chosen to make the experience something that will transform me spiritually so that I can use my experience for good. That doesn't mean we havent had our hard moments. One of the biggest reasons I felt that I was willing to go through with a civil wedding was because I LOVED HIM SO MUCH, but the NUMBER ONE reason was because I felt I had the Lord's blessing after weeks of fasting and prayer. We have hard moments, but we've never fought and yelled at each other or anything... everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest... but I dunno, for us I think wed been together for so long, when we finally got married we were just so happy haha it is a adjustment though. Now, if you do go through with it, and are anything like me, you will probably have lots of tears and sleepless nights. You would be married, but still have to repent for your sins individually & collectively. So bringing that into your marriage will either make or break you. It's a choice. We've decided for it to make us grow into our best selves yet. But marriage is so wonderful. I love my husband and it was SUCH a relief to share everything together. If I've learned anything it's that as members of the church, we should be fierce advocate of marriage, whether Temple or Civil. The wedding itself, make sure whoever does your ceremony doesnt make you feel like crap on your special day. Ours made mention of the temple multiple times in the context of: "You're not getting sealed today, but that okay...." Really? I don't want to be reminded of that made me feel like crap and it was embarrasing for the obvious to be highlighted in front of everyone. So that is my only regret about our wedding day... everything else was just so wonderful. On that day I felt at peace and so full of Heavenly Fathers love. Also, if you go through with it, know that you will have LOTS of experiences where people (whether intentionally or not) will make you feel like you are 2nd class, unworthy, a sinner blah blah blah blah, just because unfortuately, there are those types of members out there OR they are just so accustomed to one type of happily ever after situation that they don't know how to communicate about any others. YOU have to decide if you will let that tear you down. I still feel the sting of it, but that doesn't mean I cannot take that to the Lord in prayer that evening and ask for Him to take that burden as long as I am worthy and keeping His commandments. Ask the Lord to help you feel happiness, peace and joy for being different. Also, someone mentioned feeling like you never had a chance to "prove" to yourself that you could do it a year without giving in... I thought something along the same lines before we got hitched, but at least for us, I don't feel like that is something to worry about. You are still going to have to prove to yourself and the Lord that you are willing to repent, forgive each other, and carry on your work here on earth with a smile and forgiving heart. THAT, right there is enough to prove, and is something that everyone works on their entire life, regardless of the path they choose. And I guess my last thing is... looking back, if I hadn't totally immersed myself in the gospel, doing SERVICE weekly, doing FAMILY HOME EVENING, PRAYER, and diving in the SCRIPTURES whole heartedly, then I wouldn't be where I am today. We wouldnt be where we are today. Especially service. I've felt unworthy to serve so many times to the point where I just cry, but the Lord speaks through the humble/ broke heart to help others and I've been amazed at the way He works His miracles through me.. a sinner and someone indebted to Him for eternity (just like all of us, regardless of our sins/ weaknesses). But that's the beauty of the Gospel isn't it? So basically, it is a hard road, but totally doable and you are a WONDERFUL, beautiful, daughter of God and HE LOVES YOU. If you both are committed to each other and are solid in the Gospel, it is totally possible to recieve the blessings of the temple, and your time will be filled with so much joy that you will feel like your heart could burst, especially after working through so much together. Would I change anyhting about our situation? Of course the Molly Mormon in me says that I would totally go back and have that Temple marriage first. But the wiser, humbled and further converted me says, No. Absolutely not because I have struggled and learned SO much. I feel like I am kind of scattered with this response, but let me know if you have any questions specifically or if there's anything I can do. I know how hard it is to be in your position right now.. I was barely functioning without crying multiple times a day. Breathe, and everything will be okay! Love, Hellothere123

Thanks for your well wishes Dreams_of_Deutschland. Sounds like a lot of smaller issues are influencing the bigger picture and goal of getting sealed. If both of you have a testimony, understanding and desire to get sealed then you should look past all the smaller distractions and focus on the most important things. Reminds me of President Uchtdorf's talk from a few conferences back called, Of Things That Matter Most. One of my favorite talks ever, I would recommend listening to it or reading it. Always helps me to prioritize and see things the way Heavenly Father would want me to. I don't know if that is any help. Just to update, because I hate it when I'm reading a post for advice, and the original person leaves us all hangin.. we are planning our wedding for a couple months from now! Again, thank you for everyone who gave advice. After long hours of fasting and praying I've been able to come to a few spiritual truths that pertain to our personal situation. I hope that I can help others who have to go through such a hard experience in the future. #1: We are not losing any blessings by getting married civilly. Any blessings lost are the ones we lost when we made poor choices. If anything we are gaining many blessings and still making beautiful vows with one another and Heavenly Father. #2: Many people have said to me, "If you really loved each other then you would wait and get married in the temple". I've thought/prayed long and hard about that statement, and have felt strongly impressed with this.. "If you really loved each other, then you would (1st)keep my commandments and (2nd)get married". I've felt that VERY strongly on multiple occasions. We are both keeping the commandments now, and repenting. & then not specifically get sealed in the temple.. not specifically a civil wedding, but just MARRIED. The way I see it, even if one of us pops off in the next year, we can still eventually be sealed together because of temple work. So as far as I'm concerned, our wedding is a beautiful, honest and courageous stepping stone that is part of our celestial journey. #3: The most important things are this when making this decision. 1. That my fiance and I keep the commandments and truly have a Christ centered home/ life. 2. That we are committed to each other. 3. That we are HAPPY. So for those of you who are in a similar situation and are feeling overwhelmed, burdened, feel judged, or just feel like crawling into a hole and dying, ITS OKAY, AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Don't give up hope. The Atonement is REAL, and will help you to heal, find happiness, and peace. Never allow an experience like this to break you, allow it to make a positive impact on your life and others. Never allow others make you feel like less than what you really are. Use this experience to have Christlike love for others. You should never, ever forget that you are a child of God.

Hello! Thanks for all the responses! It really helped a lot. My issue is that I literally have a pile that is about 4 feet tall of family group records and I am having to organize all of it, and go through every single paper to see if the information is on familytree. My Grandparents really were not organized much with their paperwork. There are duplicate family group records within the stacks of paperwork etc. But maybe this is a waste of my time? Maybe I should just start with my own system of organizing and organize the piles of family group records by family and go from there? I just feel like I am struggling to make sense of all of it, and doing on paper at a time does not seem like a good use of time. I really like your idea of scanning everything and making it digital. Also it doesnt seem like the church would ever put themselves in a position to lose their info, but that is true that familytree is constantly changing, so it makes sense to keep your own records. Thanks guys.

Hello, I have a question for those of you with experience doing your family history. I had grandparents who left a legacy of family history work behind and I am the new pioneer in my family that has been picking up the pieces. The Spirit of Elijah is contagious and addicting! So my grandparents were not very organized, but did get a HUGE amount of research done, which back in the day meant years and years of faithful research. So for the last few years I have been working through piles and piles of family group records, books, temple cards etc. and making sure that everything they found lines up with what the church actually has recorded online (FamilyTree and/or familysearch). So my questions are these: 1. What should I do with these family group record sheets after I am able to put the information onto familytree? Should I throw them out? Or keep them? 2. Is it really guaranteed that the church will always be able to keep track of what work is done in the long run? Or should we be responsible to keep track of our own family members ordinances through organized physical records or computer programs? 3. I am interested to know what system you use to organize all of your paperwork/ research. What do you keep, and what do you toss out? How do you keep organized so that if (heaven forbid) you were to die tomorrow and someone random had to carry on your work, then they would know exactly where to start? THANKS A TON! This is an amazing work! :)

Hello again, Thanks for more responses, opinions and experiences, its allowing a good discussion and reflection of our relationship. I can be more clear, what I mean is that, yes I agree with you, I have lowered my standards through my choices, but also lowering my standard that I set for myself of getting married in the temple first, because that is a goal I set for myself years ago. Anatess, (sorry, Im not a tech savy person, dont know how to tag lol) Thanks for your input. I agree with you to a point. We've been together for a long time and like someone said earlier its incredibly difficult after a while when you have strong feelings for someone. Further, tmi but I was molested as a young girl and have always struggled, although having a very strong testimony of the gospel, to overcome my body. My fiance and I both just struggle with it. We thankfully have no other huge issues individually and/or collectively. I am not in any way justifying what we've done, but trying to show that a lot of times there is something much deeper within relationships/ individuals. When breaking the commandments, of course it is selfish. And it is not showing true respect for that other person involved. BUT that doesn't mean that is the original source of the sin, just a symptom of it. I hope that makes sense? lol In our case, I feel like the disrespect slowly built up over time FROM the sin, and times where we had the spirit, and turned to the Lord, that respect began to grow once again through forgiveness/ the Atonement. Also, I know that "abstaining from physical relations" may be incredibly easy for some, but keep in mind that for reasons stated above and other reasons, many people truly live each day in their own Gethsemane because chastity is their Achilles heel, while not struggling with other things that most do. Just food for thought. Thanks so much guys!

Hey, Thanks to everyone for your responses. Its been such a blessing to have conference this weekend. There definitely is an expectation and that is very hard to go against and feel the judging eyes of others. And there IS a stigma that goes along with civil marriage, whether that makes you feel uncomfortable or not. I know it shouldn't be that way, but people are not perfect. As far as us deciding whether or not our marriage will have a strong foundation- I know that getting sealed does not magically make our marriage problem free, but it would start our marriage with both of us at the spiritual level that we both know we want to be, and have fallen from. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Should I lower my standard/goal I have set for myself? Or should I accept the consequences of my actions and have I thrown away that option for myself? Thanks guys.

Hello, I am new to this forum and this is my first posting. I really feel like I need advice from people who have insight, or especially those who have been through the same thing Im going through. My fiance and I cannot get married in the temple. At least not for a year. Maybe 11 months now. We are both very active members of the church with strong convictions/ testimonies. This is a very devastating thing for us. We never, EVER thought that we would be in this situation, and we've tried hard to kick our struggles in the butt. A temple marriage from the beginning has always been our dream. We've been together for 3+ years and have been here before. We waited a whole year to get married in the temple, and then we messed up again, and here we are. However, we have been counseled to get married civilly and have been considering our options, and which direction to go. I have found myself feeling like I could see us making it happen, and would feel relief that we could FINALLY be married, but at the end of the day and in my quiet moments when I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling deep down I just break down and cry. I cry and feel my heart breaking because I want to be married in the temple first, but because of my choices, I cannot have that right now. I love him, and I feel that the only reason I am considering getting married civilly is because I love him so much. My Bishop told me that we could use this experience as a missionary opportunity/ growing experience, and I totally see that. I am just really worried that we will have a rough start/ foundation to our marriage that would have eternal consequences. So my questions are these: 1. Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? How did it turn out? Do you feel like it totally messed up the first part of your marriage? Or has it been a positive experience? 2. How was your relationship with family changed? Did you feel like 2nd class members, or that your marriage was somehow not as good as others? PLEASE HELP. We need to make a decision as soon as possible, and I've just been feeling like I really need some sort of advice. I am praying and trying to do all that I can, and I feel like Heavenly Father just wants us to make our own decision. Thanks guys, Heythere123