Beb77

I am looking in to taking classes at the local college and working toward a career. I am here for now, but I do feel the need to look out for myself should things fall apart any more than they already have. I honestly would be gone by now if not for worrying about how to support myself and my kids- I have two babies that I would have to put into childcare.

The things that make this the hardest is the other behavior that comes with the smoking. I think that the constant lying and such has changed him a lot. I do believe that when we are consciously and willingly doing something we know we shoudln't be, it weighs on our soul- it doesn't matter what someone else says to you about it. Believe it or not, I only bring it up when we are in an argument and it gets very very ugly- Often when he is stuck at home with me it is harder to sneak a smoke and so he becomes agitated and irritable and yells at everyone a lot. It all just goes downhill from there. No, he isn't helping much around the house. He does work long hours when he works, but he was off for a 4 day stretch and did barely anything around the house but tinker with what he thinks is important at the moment (fun for him). I am exhausted. I feel like I cannot ask for his help anymore because he screams at me that HE makes the money and HE works twelve hour days when he works. Basically his day off is his day OFF. IF there is a car to work on or something like that, it will get done...but I can have 12 loads of laundry and he won't lift a finger. Then at night he wants sex. I'm thinking to myself "you've got to be kidding me- you've watched me run around non stop all day cleaning and taking care of children while you sat on your butt and watched TV all day. I am exhausted, and dirty, and tired, and I just want a bath and some sleep". He is very simple minded. He doesn't understand that if he would only help me a little- or at least be nicer around here- I would be able to open up to him more. Getting yelled at and neglected is getting tiresome on my heart. This isn't my first relationship- I have been in an abusive relationship before when I was younger and he is starting to resemble the same traits on a lesser scale and it freaks me out. We went to the store last night for example and we were buying a new pillow for me since I have neck problems. He had to dominate what I bought. He scoffed and made rude comments to me when I would pick up a pillow that I wanted. I finally gave up and got one he didn't complain about. Those things may seem little, but they are bad signs. I feel myself giving in to his bad behavior more and more and shrinking away from him. Last night we went to bed and he spent a good 20 minutes telling me what a bad person I am. I only defended myself twice and then after laying there crying I got up and left to sleep on the couch. A few days ago he came home from work and kissed me and flirted with me. Of course, he got what he wanted later and then soon as that was done back to being mean and taunting me. He is not the same person he used to be. Lying and keeping secrets are ruining him and giving satan a foothold over his actions and thoughts. I truly believe that. I really wish he could see what he is doing to everyone.

"Its getting old on his part". Because he promised to quit, has told me he quit, lied to my face multiple times, lied to the missionaries, lied to the Bishop at times, and promised to be sealed to me months ago and ordain our son but now can't. It's getting old on my part. Sorry. I am not the addict here.

Why, in this culture, is there always more support for the addicted than the person that has been abused by the constant lies, financial distress, and angry outbursts? Why is it that *he* needs support and limitless understanding and everything is *my* fault- he lies because of me, etc? So, by this logic, I should be able to take my pain and hurt and go have a beer or two or three, become addicted, and then everyone can talk about how much help and support I need- because trying to be strong and not resort to crutches and instead seek advice from people that abide by the WOW and understand our beliefs about addictions gets me nowhere. I have done everything I can- prayer, the Bishop, keeping peace, trying to accept things, trying to work hard at home and keep his stress level low, letting him know I am here to talk to about it and I won't judge or be argumentative- but to no avail. Its still my fault he withdraws affection because he knows I do not like him smoking. Its my fault I am sitting here in tears ready to give up on everything- even life in general because there is not a soul I can trust and not one person out there that can comfort ME, understand ME, have compassion for ME. I am alone, and I am entirely overworked physically and spiritually trying to compensate for the lack of a father and priesthood authority over our home. In my mind and heart, we are going through other things that are very trying to faith in part because of the sending away of the Holy Spirit in our home by someone who gives in to Satans lies and tricks and then imposes them upon us. I have done nothing wrong. I have abided by the WOW, I have sought out counsel, I have done what I can do. To be told I am basically not being nice enough to him and that I am the cause of his lying is absolutely insane, and very hurtful. This is obviously the opposite of what I needed right now.

We DID see the Bishop. The issue cannot be resolved until one decides to admit that it is a problem in the first place. This is the issue. He will wake up dark eyed, shaking, and stark raving mad wanting nicotine and scream at me and tell me I am the problem, not cigarettes. I honestly never knew nicotine can do that to a person. I had a rough childhood and grew up with drug users and never saw that kind of behavior.

Leah, I appreciate your post, but I have tried to be helpful and supportive and loving through this. I've done it for two years. We did have deadlines- our baptism was postponed for a year over this. He also agreed to quit by the time my last son was born. He is now 18 months old. I know I am supposed to continue to be supportive, but gosh I am SO hurt by the constant lies. I feel worthless and unloved and alone. This addiction battle takes his affection and his love away from me. He no longer kisses me to avoid me smelling cigarettes. He habitually washes and showers. He finds excuses to be outside and entirely avoids me when he gets home from work. The only time I get affection from him is when he wants sex- and even then, there is usually no affection or kissing involved. I have even felt him holding his breath when I am near his mouth. I just don't understand it because I value honesty and love him more than I care about the addiction. He likes having something "to himself" and enjoys keeping things from me I guess. He doesn't want to quit. I just wish he could jsut say "I'm not going to quit, I don't want to, and thats that". At least I could respect the honesty even if I don't agree with the decision. Thats what hurts the most- first I was never worth quitting for so we can have a temple marriage- then second, I am not worth the truth. This has damaged me so bad in so many ways because now I don't trust him on other fronts. I am a nervous wreck- constantly lonely and frustrated and miserable. I jsut don't know what to do short of ending things. I need to learn how to cope with being lied to and being lonely. I guess I wish there was advice for that

By the way, you guys are entirely MISINTERPRETING what i am saying- first and foremost, I am upset because of the constant LYING. THAT, is, in fact, a deal breaker for me.

Nicotine pateches and elecronic cigarettes DO NOT help people quit. It just gives them another crutch to lean on and another way to lie about being addicted in the first place. You have to understand I've been dealing with this for over two years and he does it all....and still says he "isn't addicted" at times. He will say he has had no nicotine- but in fact has been using non-smoke nicotine to fool me. For about 4 months I thought he was completely broke of his addiction, but had checked our bank account and found several unusual charges that turned out to be electronic cigarettes. He lied about it. E cigs and patches are a tool to help him lie- as he does not acknowledge that he uses these at all. Only when I've caught him or one has fallen out of his pocket. Currently we are snowed in and he is withdrawing big time and looking for an excuse to go outside to smoke. He goes from laying around near catatonic to looking out windows and talking about how he needs to shovel our car out. (and yet he will not acknowledge that he is jonesing for nicotine)

Hello, I am new to the forums. I actually looked for a forum so I had someone to talk to- I feel as though there is no one to discuss my issues with. I am married and I have eight children. When I met my husband, he did not smoke. Shortly after we were married, he began smoking often. Along with the smoking there have been several lies and coverups about it. We talked to our bishop and he referred my husband to addiction services, buy my husband has not gone. We were baptized about 4 months ago and had investigated the church over a year prior to that, so he knows that this is a very bad thing for him in terms of faith as well as health. I am at the end of my rope. I have been lied to so many times I can't even count- lies about smoking, catching him with electronic cigarettes, lies about buying cigarettes- there is even a charge on our bank account that I am fairly certain is for a case of cigarettes that he has stashed at work. WHen is enough enough? How do I cope with this and keep peace in my home? Yes, we have had the discussions about how his lies hurt. Yes I have tried to be supportive and helpful and nice. Nothing works. He still lies, still smokes, and now we haven't been going to church. I am at the point that I wish to leave him, but I am a stay at home mom and I can't. I cannot feel even an ounce of love for someone that continues to lie straight to my face- even when caught. I don't want to live this way forever- what can I do?