Ok, this will probably be a long post, so please bear with me :) I have been a member all my life, and active most of my life. Last year was REALLY hard for me. I fell into a very bad depression and horrible anxiety. I had lost my brother suddenly prior to me falling into this depression, and my father fell very ill. I also have a special needs daughter who is very demanding. Being a special needs parent in itself is isolating and hard. Its like no one understands us, and to me, it feels like no one really knows what to say or avoids me. Anyway, a year ago January I called a friend, who happens to be a RS counselor. I was having a huge panic attack and could hardly even catch my breath. Apparently while we were talking (she would not let me off the phone) she texted the RS president and they came out and took me to urgent care. As much as I totally understand they were helping me, and I am SO grateful for it, I have sort of been embarrassed by it. Even the bishop knows. That also embarrasses me tremendously. Last year was so bad for me, with really little to no support (not even my husband) that I became addicted to Xanax ( tranquilizer). For months I took way more than prescribed. It rattled my family pretty badly. My husband serves as YM president and we had a beach trip back in September. I felt some stress from something my daughter was doing and the first thing I thought of was my Xanax. I took some to relax. then I ended up taking another. While I was doing that I had not even realized anyone had seen me. I wandered off for a bit, looking for my son and husband, but could not find them so I stayed by the beach for a long while. Anyway, apparently after the beach trip someone who saw me went and tattled to the bishop (it was one of the leaders there I am sure). Even though I know what I did was probably not appropriate and I am deeply embarrassed by my actions, at the same time they do not know how deep I was. I had some issues, and this depression is completely biological, It goes back for generations in my family. I have only been a couple times since September. Every time I go to church now, I feel like people totally avoid me. I have not seen a visiting teacher since about July-no contact at all! Once in a while I will get a facebook message from our RS president. My husband tells me no one even asks about me. Is it wrong that I am hurt? I have a couple good friends in our ward. But aside from them, I have no contact with anyone and I feel so forgotten about. It was the hardest year of my life, and with no family around and all, I sort of feel abandoned, when I needed to be loved most. I have been doing so much better the past couple months-after I heard Jeffrey R Holland's amazing talk at the last general conference, it made me realize it was ok to ask for help. They have me on medications and I feel so level headed and happy. I read my scriptures every day and say my prayers. this year my testimony of the Book of Mormon has increased SO much, and it is something I am thankful for each day. I want to go back to church, but I am scared. When people avoid me like that, I feel rejected. It hurts. My husband tells me I am not going to church for THEM. I agree and I understand where he is coming from. But at the same time, I want to feel accepted and loved. At this point, I feel pretty invisible I have been thinking I may not go until we end up moving or something-and who knows when that would be, or going to another ward. But I don't need people questioning where my family is and having to explain. I am torn as to what to do.
