My wife & I have been married for 11 years and for most of it things have gone well. We have 3 adorable children and have constructed a pretty firm life together. Except some pretty substantial cracks have formed over the years. The problem started several years ago when my wife went through a wild phase. Her friends became more influential to her than I was & she attended several parties without me that she claims were just social get togethers with work friends. I had my doubts. Even though she fell back in to her regular routine afterward she was just kind of neglectful & distant. I confronted her about my concerns & after some pretty big fights she insisted nothing ever happened. A few weeks later she says she wants to leave because she doesn't have enough freedom, isn't ready to be married, isn't ready to be a good mom. This happened 2 more times over 6 months. I was able to talk her out of leaving each time but the 4th time I just said ok. Before we contacted a divorce attorney she recanted & said she wants to give it 1 more try. I wanted to make sure infidelity wasn't an issue so I asked her about everything previous & again she assured me nothing happened. Admittedly I can be a little paranoid at times & not wanting to be a controlling, jealous spouse I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Life moved on. We ended up moving out of state & she lost touch with those friends & things got even better. The closeness returned & I figured we had mended that tear in our relationship. A couple years pass & I happen to come across some emails she had sent during vacations she had made back home to visit family. I had to work & couldn't come with. During each of these trips she told me she was so busy with her family she wasn't able to take our kids to see anyone on my side of the family. Well these emails indicated she had been out to more parties with old high school friends (different group than before but people she had had relationships with). She lied & was caught. She claimed she didn't remember having sent any emails. While arguing about this I ask if she had ever messed around with anyone during those first parties she went to. Now the story changes. She claims it was just flirting and nothing happened but there was a guy there that pursued her. Because she claims she didn't do anything she didn't think I needed to know & it would only hurt me so she kept it a secret. The next day when we check to verify the emails I had found since we weren't in a place we could the previous day. They were no longer there & she again said she didn't remember sending the emails but didn't deny going to any parties either. This is where my true concern lies. I've caught her lying (about this & other little things as well) & she will not admit it. Honesty is an issue. When certain subjects related to infidelity come up she gets extremely nervous. On other occasions she regularly changes the facts to avoid losing the argument. And at one point she became obsessed with movies involving a wife that cheats & is forgiven in the end. Not exactly a confession but suspicious considering our history. I've shared with her that I now have trouble trusting her & she said she understands & hopes she can regain it some day. At times I feel like she might want to tell me but is afraid. Afraid that I'll leave and is worried she will spend the rest of her life alone. If it did happen I want to know. And honestly I don't think I deserve to live with someone who would do that to me & lie about it when I've been 100% faithful. I can see why she would have trouble owning up to it. Starting over in your mid 30's with 3 kids wouldn't be easy. (The effect it would have on the kids is the main reason I haven't left & would rather give her the benefit of the doubt.) So that's where I stand today. I can't prove she has cheated but she has proved to be untrustworthy in many ways. There's many inconsistencies with what she says & how she behaves. I've tried just forgetting the whole thing but something always brings it back to the surface. Not knowing is making me feel like I'm going crazy & I just don't know what to do. I've thought about counseling or talking to the bishop but without any real evidence I think it would just stir up trouble. That's why I've turned here where I can share my experience anonymously & hopefully get some good advice.
