lostalone

A big part of the problem is that I just don't know where I stand with God anymore. I felt so completely abandoned. There were many times I couldn't find it within myself to believe in him at all. There were other times that I did believe in him but I hated him. Just another man in my life I had been abandoned by and had betrayed me. I was sexually abused as a child by my father. I was domestically assaulted by my ex husband who a year of that left me for another woman. My son's father demanded I get an abortion or he'd leave, so I showed him the door and never saw him or heard from him again over the past five years. I've been a victim of rape. I have found it very hard to place any trust in another man, be he an all loving Father in Heaven or not. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my Mother in Heaven, that she would be able to understand; instead of having to put myself at the mercy of a man, of a council of men even... for me it's terrifying and it's so incredibly hard. Why should I trust these people with my soul when it's so fragile as it is, when men have betrayed me at every turn. I know it would take a massive act of humility and trust on my part but I don't know if I have that in me anymore and I think that will probably work against me.

I haven't murdered anybody or organised a crime ring haha. I'm a sole parent, the father of the child abandoned us and in trying to keep a roof over our heads and my son fed, I have engaged in regular prostitution (which in the country I am in, it is not a criminal act). My presidency would not want to excommunicate myself or anybody else out of spite. But they've shown such love for me that I know it will break their hearts. In being a sole parent in the church culture that we have here, I have had to fight a lot of bigotry and face a lot of loneliness. It's not an excuse, but it hardened my heart against the Church and the Lord, to the point that I was going, but feeling zero connection. No matter how hard I prayed and fasted there was nothing to help me help my son so I took matters into my own hands. It was a true act of extreme desperation borne out of feeling entirely cut off from the Lord, questioning if he was even there to hear me at all. And now I'm broken.

Please, please, no judgement. What would you do if you had been living your life in a way over the past three years that you knew would get you excommunicated. I'm too ashamed to talk to my Bishop and Stake President. I know them too well as friends and can't bear to see the shock and disappointment in their eyes. I've never been particular liked or accepted at church either, and I know getting excommunicated will result in everyone looking at me and thinking they were right all along, as I've always been the type to stand up for human rights and decency in the face of towing the line. Everything I have stood for will be crushed, everything good I have done will be questioned, and I feel me coming forward will hurt more people than it would help. It will only help me. I wonder if maybe sacrificing my place in the celestial kingdom permanently is better than letting the good works I have done be undone just because I feel bad. I would rather turn my life around quietly, and try my best, knowing that the best I can hope for is maybe terrestrial glory than see the people I have helped and work I have done be turned to dust by my confessions. Isn't it selfish to confess to save myself when so many others will be hurt by doing so?