I broke the Law of Chastity with my priesthood holding boyfriend. We dated for 3 years. We became intimate after 3 months. We were both in our mid-40's. I have never been married, unable to bear children and have always worked very hard to honor the law of chastity. Ultimately, we broke up, we did not marry.
I feel horribly guilty because I don't feel guilty for sharing an intimate physical relationship with someone I truly loved. In fact, I was overwhelmed with the bond the act gave to our relationship. I do feel guilty that I engaged in the act with a man who was not able to take advantage of all of the blessings of the church. He was disfellowshiped before I met him and remained so while we were together.
In the past, I have had many relationships with very good non-members dissolve when I told them I would not engage in pre-marital sex. I struggle with people who are married with families who tell me I cannot engage in the sex act with someone I truly love after going a lifetime of trying to follow a near impossible rule. Now, I struggle with the reality, as stated by our leaders, I've committed an act that is seen as secondly only to murder and refusing the Holy Ghost because I have not had the opportunity to be married. I feel I'm being penalized for being human.
Ultimately our relationship didn't last due to challenges with his children. One child who was dealing with significant addition and behavioral issues and another adult child who was diagnoised with a severe mental illness. I spent quite a bit of time in rehab units and psych wards caring and praying for the well being and safety of his children. The stresses that accompany these situations is intense and have broken 20+ year marriages, to state it mildly.
Am I destined for eternal damnation for not feeling guilty for being a 40-something year old woman who slept with man she adored, loved and wanted to marry? I don't understand how to repent for this whenI don't feel guilt or shame. I do feel profound sorrow if my actions took my boyfriend at the time away from this worthiness as a parent and denied his family blessings. On this note, I've been physically ill when I think about it. I feel as if this is yet another way the church attempts to drive single people away from the church. "Be good, but you have any of the blessings of a mate or a child".
Thoughts?
