Woofs

@JohnsonJones and @Midwest LDS Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words. I really appreciate them. I've always been a worrier! I've always wanted to have this issue resolved within myself before marriage so that my dating prospects are more fruitful and my potential spouse has a better idea of what they are getting into. Would potential spouses still want to date me if I am still not sure, am still working through this? Most people want to date someone that knows whether or not they will have kids, don't they? (honestly I could be wrong, I'm not all that great at dating!) This is one of my favorite scriptures, and I'm glad you brought it up. King Benjamin was a wise man. I'll be sure to be honest and open with my potential spouse when I eventually find one about my feelings on kids, my fears, and concerns. If there is one thing I've learned it is that good, clear communication is invaluable in a relationship.

I think this is an invalid argument and not a good reason to have kids. There are many good reasons to have kids, but this isn't one of them. Let me explain why. In my experience as an nurse working with elderly people, I've found that having kids unfortunately didn't keep them from spending the last years of their life alone. While some of my patients have wonderful, attentive kids, it's not that common. I commend you on your devotion to your own dad in his old age--I plan to take care of my dad when he is too told to care for himself as well. However, most of my patients still live in a nursing or retirement home while their kids are too busy with their own lives, raising their own kids, to visit them. They are still lonely and 90% of them are discharged to the retirement home or adult foster care where they came from, despite having kids. "Besides the personal social costs, I also think it's quite selfish..." Personally, I think it selfish to expect one's kids to be a retirement plan. They already are in a busy part of their lives, are likely taking care of their own kids, trying to make ends meet. Taking care of an elderly person can be a full time job. If they want to take in their infirm parents and change their briefs, feed them, keep them from falling and choking and wandering when they have dementia, and do other things that elderly people often need help with, that is wonderful and a huge blessing. But to have kids with the intention of them doing all this for you? That, I think, is selfish. I'm not sure what you mean by " the social costs of taking care of you when you get old falls to the rest of society". Do you mean welfare? Because many people save up money for this sort of thing. They pay for well trained professionals to help them in their old age. They've paid into social security while in their working years and are reaping the benefits as they collect pensions and live off of retirement funds. I acknowledge that not everyone is able to do this, but to say that old people are a social burden on society seems to be painting with a pretty broad stroke. Anyways I didn't mean to get off topic here. I want to want to have kids, but not for this reason.

I'm 32, female, single, and have absolutely zero desire to be pregnant or have kids. I have a lot of respect for people that choose to raise kids; it's an important role and I recognize that. And I also know that in the Family Proclamation to the World, that "God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force". And yet I can't help the way I feel. I don't hate kids or anything. I just don't have a shred of desire to raise one. I've never before felt any maternal desire, I've never looked at a baby and thought "that'd be nice", or anything like that. I think I am a responsible and mature adult, and at 32, I really doubt my feelings on motherhood are going to change--I've been waiting and hoping for them to change since I was 10 and first realized I didn't want kids. I just can't picture them in my future. I'm aware there are many people that can't have kids would give anything to have them and can't fathom why I would willingly give them up. I don't know. I wish I could give them my fertility! The problem is that I feel a dissonance between my deeply ingrained feelings (or lack thereof) and the commandment to have kids. This commandment...I have a hard time with it. Like I am supposed to cede control over my body, a very private and intimate part of my body. With life long consequences. People have told me "it's different when they are yours", or "you'll never know unless you try" but this seems like a dangerous gamble. There is no trial period for motherhood, no return policy. A child deserves to be born and raised into a home where the parents truly want them. I wouldn't be happy with a child, and the child would not be happy being raised by me. The interesting thing is that in my patriarchal blessing there is mention of me having children. I remember being troubled by this when I first received the blessing when I was 19. I don't understand this. Anyway I'm not really sure how to resolve this. I want to be faithful and I want to follow the commandments, but I feel like this is one that I don't know how to follow. How can I align my will with God's? Can I still reach exaltation? This really worries me. I'd appreciate any support and insight. EDIT: Based on the responses so far, I feel like should clarify and add some things I guess I should have put in my original post. 1) Don't worry, I'll get married first! LOL. I didn't mention this at first because I just thought it was a given that I'd get married before having kids, seeing as we are in an LDS discussion board, after all. I do want to resolve this within myself so that I can make myself more eligible for marriage. Not many LDS guys are interested in dating someone who either doesn't want kids or is unsure, and I'm going to be honest with the men I date about how I feel about motherhood. 2) I haven't been waiting idly around for change to happen. I have prayed for a desire to have kids and have my will be aligned with God's,, I've looked at incredible mothers with admiration, I strive to keep the commandments. I'm trying to be a better person, I really am. 3) I've given some serious thought about why I haven't felt any desire for kids. I think my clinical depression may have something to do with it. And I mean serious depression. My childhood, teens, and early twenties were characterized by tortuous depression that I've only recently felt control over. Finding the right medication, therapy, and recognizing what makes it better or worse has been key. I have recognized through harrowing experience with birth control pills (for acne) that hormonal fluctuations make a huge difference. The difference between being able to function and feel like myself vs daily crying spells, panic attacks requiring a trip to the ER, and having to drop out of university for a year. Being pregnant involves hormonal changes. I never want to go to that dark place in my life again because of hormones. (I'm not sure what I'll do when I go through menopause but that is a matter for another day.) I'm not sure if I would mentally survive pregnancy and the post-partum period. I guess I should consider adoption. 4) I get my clinical depression from my mother's side of the family, and I remember as a child seeing my own mother's depression deepen and deepen with each successive child. By the time she had my little brother, her last of 6 kids, her depression had completely taken over. She medicated it with endless opioids. She recently admitted to me that she was trying to escape the stress and worries of raising kids in conjunction with her depression. The more her children needed her and required her attention, the more opioids and benzos she took, and she fell into a miserable, drug induced stupor for the next 15 years. She attempted suicide several times and rarely left her bed. It was miserable for both her and us kids. I remember as a little kid equating motherhood with depression, because that was all I knew. It's hard to purge that emotion from that experience, even though I know from a logical standpoint that motherhood does not equal depression. It's almost like when a person has a phobia of an innocuous object--they know it is harmless, but it doesn't stop them from feeling what they feel, you know? 5) I finally have a hold on my depression, but it is tenuous and requires a lot of self care to maintain. It may sound selfish, but I feel it is critical for my mental health. I dread going back to my dark place and giving my hypothetical kids the same childhood I had. I feel like with my mental health intact, I've been able to better serve those around me. Anyways, I know this has been a long post and even longer edit, and I want to give an internet cookie to anyone who made it to the end of it. Whew. I've gotten a lot off of my chest here.