InvisibleOne

I am not sure where exactly to put this question/rant- it technically is a relationship and I need some advice, so... I have a brother who is mentally ill. Not violent or obvious about it to anyone beyond his close circle, but I wholeheartedly believe that he has Borderline Personality Disorder. I know this because a parent also has BPD. I don't want to go into too many details of his life because it's not my place but he is incredibly self-destructive, narcissistic and sometimes just plain mean to the people closest to him. He has somehow destroyed every relationship he's ever had and he's constantly changing his jobs, girlfriends, etc. As far as I know he isn't into drugs and he decided a few years ago that religion wasn't for him. Honestly, my family (especially the siblings) don't care what his standing in any church is because it doesn't matter to us. He's one of many family and friends to do their own thing or go inactive but he seems to think he's the only one and purposely does things to try and upset us. When he discovers we're not upset by his life choices and we're incredibly accepting of pretty much anything aside from actual abuse, he gets mad at us. We're invalidating him I guess by being supportive *shrug*. If we DO dare say something, try to create boundaries, or express any kind of concern then that's the end and he will verbally attack and berate us and the relationship will never quite be the same (been there). So the new fad it seems is basically eliminating toxic people from your life. I get the reasoning for that and I've done it before. But somehow he's gotten it in his head that WE are the toxic ones (every single functioning adult in his family but him) and that we are the cause of all his problems. This was probably the idea of the newest girlfriend but he has disowned us all. I am completely heartbroken. As frustrating as it is dealing with him sometimes, I love him dearly and he's my brother. He's gotten angry with us before and distanced himself for periods of time but he's never completely cut us all out of his life before. I felt a huge amount of grief during Christmas from this loss. He and I weren't talking much to begin with because it's become difficult to communicate since we have grown apart, but we do see each other somewhat regularly. He won't respond to texts to even explain himself. All I know is he thinks we're toxic and ruined his life. Not me specifically, someone else. But I have been caught in the wake I guess. I'm worried about him, not for his safety per se, just worried that he is getting bad psychological advice from a therapist who is unaware that most of what he says is heavily skewed or even completely false (though I think he believes it's true). I'm worried that he'll ruin his next relationship and be homeless and unable to get proper health care. I'm worried that he'll permanently convince himself that we are toxic and disappear forever and hate the only people who will never leave him no matter how poorly he treats us sometimes. He's really funny and I miss him. Has anyone experienced anything like this? Being disowned by a family member?

So many reasons people come home early. I've heard a number of them from people I know personally. List is not in any particular order. 1. Ill-prepared for living on their own or coping with structure and demands. Life skills are lacking. 2. Illness, mental health problems. Missions are difficult and not everyone is having positive experiences out there. 3. Difficulty or unwillingness to follow the rules. 4. Finances. This surprised me given the missionary fund, but apparently it can happen. 5. Personal revelation to go home early. Family needs them home, etc. 6. Worthiness issues. 7. Toxic companionships. 8. Went out spiritually unprepared, likely due to cultural or familial pressure. Lacking important theological and church history knowledge. I have three brothers who went on missions. One came home after a few months and is still a very spiritual and religiously active person. One loved his mission and really didn't want to come home after the two full years. Another stuck it out, later left the church and kind of went off the rails. Everyone is different, so generalizations aren't super helpful. As parents or loved ones the best we can do is teach them everything we can at home to help them avoid #1, 3, 6, and 8. The rest are kind of up to the universe and the individual needs of the missionary. Lastly, a mission is a mission whether it was two years or two months. We can choose to judge and wring our hands over what could have possibly gone wrong or just cheer for them for selflessly putting in the time they did.

As a woman, I am pretty "T.O.'d" that you have made the assumption that my husband is biologically programmed to be better than me at everything other than child rearing, cleaning and compassionate service. He has no handiness genes and is completely clueless about fixing and building things. I am naturally very gifted in those areas. Not as physically strong, but much better equipped mentally to understand how to do those things well and efficiently. He is also not great at math, I am a math whiz. He, on the other hand, is an immensely compassionate and friendly person. He gives and gives where I would be tempted to just tell people to shove off. I wouldn't actually say that, but I would think it. There is something about his nature that is far more giving and compassionate than mine. I am much better at cleaning though, so you got that part right. But since he's the man I should let him go build stuff (though he hates it) and help the kids with their math homework and I'll find a funeral to help out with or a nose to wipe. That's where God wants me to shine. Kidding/ overreactive female ranting aside, you might want to look into early LDS women history. The original Relief Society actively worked to fund women to become medical doctors, among other things. They did way more than make centerpieces and deliver dinners to expectant mothers. They were truly a force to be reckoned with. Those women were enormously gifted in many areas and did far more to move the church and society forward than they are given credit for. They also supported the men and didn't try to tear them down. We can all learn something from them. I get what you're saying though as far as using "equality" as a way to devalue the uniqueness of men and women, and motherhood in general. Men need something that is their own (example: priesthood) and women need something that is their own. I have no problems with men being my religious leaders, nor do I think equality should mean that men should be held back to make room for me. Men need women, women need men. On those points, I do agree with you. Last point: Men can "preside" in a lot of ways that aren't authoritative or making money. Remaining worthy of the priesthood is one enormous way that they can preside. Plus they're only to preside as far as they are following God, and the second a man restricts his wife from magnifying the individual talents and gifts she has been given (especially if they're considered "masculine" gifts), then he is no longer worthy to preside. What about the men who are not physically fit or healthy enough to "protect," provide for their families financially or cut down trees? Is a disabled man not worthy of presiding over his family? Hmm?

I feel very strongly about this so I apologize for the lengthy reply. YES it is ok to say no to a calling. I've struggled with this in the past. I have a strong sense of duty and doing what I say I will do and doing it well. I've said yes to things I didn't really want to do because of this feeling of responsibility. I also believe that it is irresponsible to agree to do something, accept a calling, and not actually do it. There have been times where my life or my health or my personal fears/flaws have gotten in the way and I have felt like I needed to decline a calling or request to be released. This has happened only a couple times where I have said no, but I don't regret it. When it comes to an emotional conflict all I can say is that if it's the right thing, after some time pondering and praying or whatever you need to do you will feel peace about your choice. There are callings I have absolutely hated that I kept doing because it was a growing experience and because I felt like I needed to be doing it anyway. The strength and peace really do come when you think you just can't continue. At least I found that to be my experience. Here's a related personal experience. It is not appropriate to go into too much detail here but I really want to help you by sharing. I have been in a calling where I was responsible for choosing three others to serve in my presidency. I was new and did not know many people in the ward. I can tell you with 100% confidence that two of those people were inspired. One name came to me with one of the most powerful "promptings" I've ever had, and was a person I did not know at all. The third one, another complete stranger to me, was a person on a list of who was available and reliable, but I felt somewhat indifferent about it. So maybe it was inspired maybe it wasn't. All three were fantastic at their callings and all three told me later that they originally considered saying no but were glad they didn't. The one who cried the hardest was the one I felt the strongest about. It was a very interesting faith-building experience for me personally. I want to share one last thing. There was a calling years ago that I felt I needed to abandon. It wasn't a very hard or time-consuming calling but I hated it SO MUCH and I really just didn't feel like I fit and I wanted to be released. It was an extremely difficult decision to make and I felt like an absolute failure and unsure of what to do. I talked to my bishop, who is to this day my favorite bishop ever, and he told me something I will never forget. This is not verbatim, just a synopsis. He said that yes, many callings are inspired and all are prayed about. As a bishop, he wants to make sure the right people are called to the right places, not for just the benefit of the individuals but also for the ward as a whole. He said that sometimes they just need someone who is able and willing to serve in the ward. Especially when someone else says no. For the church to function smoothly, some positions just need to be filled by someone who will be there and will get a job done. That was his way of telling me that if I felt like I was wrong for the calling, he would release me and move me somewhere else. And he did. And I was very relieved to be out of there. To make a long story short, think about it and pray about it and if it feels right to say no, say no! It really will be ok. The church will keep on going and the Lord will find other ways to help you grow.