Striving to be like Him

Just want to throw in my thoughts. I’m at an age where dating widows is common. I’ve always been a member (8yrsold) but never active until a year ago. I won’t say my story but suffice it to say… I’m am now in all humility taking the Temple Prep course. Because I dated a few eternally seal widows and learned more about the Temple and sealing’s I decided with my carnal mind that I would not date (eternally sealed widows). If I could do well and be endowed then I wanted my Wife just to be sealed to me. Also, I haven’t really dated to much in my Gospel journey because “I’m working to be what I want”. If I meet a woman and we want to move forward then I need to rework myself and repent of past deeds now. I don’t want to grow in the Gospel because she wants me to, I am building my own foundation in the Gospel for myself, now, doing my best. So if she comes along, I can present myself to her. We Marry. Our foundations are sealed, and we work on our new foundation together. Now I think, as long as, I’m confident our Kids will seal us after we pass, let her stay sealed to him. He is a Son of God. If we have the Love of Christ there, the millennium right? We will have such deep Love for everyone there, that I likely might encourage her to pick him for Love’s sake. What if he has been taking all the classes available in death and changed? So and if I can change myself, repent, receive grace and make it there. I will have time to court other women if she does not choose me? Let her choose! Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t choose you? It seems to me that many people will not choose their eternally seal companion, when they see all their whole life’s doings? I only have a little studying but if we all Love like Christ there then we won’t look at it like we do here. I will add though in honesty that I would feel better if she canceled her sealing to him here because of my carnal mind, which I’m working on. How Lovely it would be me and her? I’m embarrassed to admit I think my marital thoughts and behaviors would be better if I felt that it was just me and her on our team, and there wasn’t another player on the sideline waiting to try to take her away😳Anyway there’s my .02 cents. P.S. please note that I am pretty proud of what I’m doing now. I read this back and I’m concerned some might think me prideful. I’m not, in fact I am embarrassed that it has taken me this long and look up to people who grabbed ahold early and lived righteous proper lives. I have not. Alcohol addiction, morality and a desire to live a “fun” life have put me in a perilous position of catch up. And, inability to forgive myself. I’ve been to the Bishop and he gave me my limited use recommend and I did what I understood to be repentant, but can’t forgive myself for the pain I caused our Savior. I am Thankful for Him though!!! I have people like y’all to Thank for reaching out.