AngryAsian

I read your story and just have to say I’m sorry your having to deal with this kind of behavior. I know what it’s like to have been through an affair with a spouse. It has nothing to do with you, it’s all them. Don’t believe the lies that you had something to do with it. If their are problems in a marriage a healthy couple will talk about those issues and come to an agreement and show respect to one and other by sticking to the boundaries they’ve set with the goal of saving the marriage. An unhealthy person will do what they want and justify their own selfish behavior and destroy the trust in the marriage. Unfortunately when you don’t hold your spouse accountable for their behavior they will end up subconsciously thinking it’s ok and eventually do it again as in your case. Unfortunately I think this is all too common, I too have had a spouse that’s had multiple affairs while we’ve been married. They first time I was completely caught off guard, I completely believed and loved my wife and would not of thought she would ever be unfaithful. Out of the blue she wanted a divorce, I was devastated. After we separated I looked at phone records and realized she’d been talking to this individual for months. She worked at a charter school where this guy was a teacher. I found out who he was and called him to tell him I knew and that I was going to call his wife and let her know as well. She didn’t answer the call, but I left a voicemail to let her know what was going on. I short time later I received a call from this woman’s brother. She was pretty shaken up about the voicemail. I apologized to the brother saying that I just felt like she should know what was going on. I too thought that somehow I was responsible for her affair. She did a very good job of manipulating my emotions and allowing me to think that it was me and I needed to change. I chased her for 6 months to try to resolve our marriage, I wanted to do everything I could to make it work. We ended up getting divorced and within a few weeks of me moving on and accepting the divorce my now ex re-enters the picture and is now all the sudden repentant and sorry and realizes the mistake she made. Being the naive and trusting guy I am, I remarried her because I believed her and wanted to save our marriage. Fast forward 7 years, we’re in the same situation as before different guy. I had told her that I would take her back, but if she ever talked to another man or even text behind my back we would be done. I noticed similar behavior patterns from when she cheated the first time. Again I pulled phone records and saw that she was talking to another guy. This time I didn’t call this guy because I didn’t care. She had betrayed me again and as soon as I found out the marriage was over. I believe she has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) I had to unpack the last 14 years of my life and found that all the characteristics of this disorder fit in perfectly with her behavior. I don’t know if this will help, but it helped me to understand the person I was dealing with. I went on youtube and found a lot of videos talking about this disorder and it helped me tremendously to understand what was happening and let me know my feelings were normal and be able to heal and move on. We all deserve to have a committed and happy relationship. We cannot force people to be something they are not. Believe in yourself and your own worth!